


Take the Long Way Home

by sodium_amytal



Category: Rush (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Developing Relationship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Humor, M/M, Road Trips, Slow Build, Some angst, gratuitous use of flashbacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2018-05-29 05:09:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 55,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6360793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sodium_amytal/pseuds/sodium_amytal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Vapor Trails era. Geddy has been Alex’s best friend for over twenty years, so when Alex’s divorce is finalized, Geddy takes him on a spontaneous road trip in hopes of cheering him up. But as they drive across Canada, Geddy’s deepest secret gnaws at the back of his mind, every mile reminding him why he really brought Alex along. With the help of a heartbroken author on a journey of his own, Geddy and Alex confront their complicated feelings for each other and discover just how powerful love can be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Out of the Cradle

**Author's Note:**

> I'm excited to share this one with you all! This one is different than my Led Zeppelin road trip fic, mostly due to the use of flashbacks. It's not so much a "wacky antics" road trip as it is a "midlife crisis and discovery" kind of deal. Just as a note, there are significantly fewer flashbacks in the rest of the chapters.
> 
> Also, yes, each chapter is titled after a song off Vapor Trails. c: 
> 
> When the fic is finished, I'll post a link to a fanmix.
> 
> Check out the illustrations I did for this fic (no spoilers) here: http://farewelltokings.tumblr.com/post/141710284521

Alex is a goddamn mess. Geddy knows this because grown men don't usually sink into the couch, surrounded by a sea of empty beer bottles and food-packaging debris, unless there's a sports-related reason. Since it's the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday, there's nothing on TV but a vast desert of mindless daytime programming. Geddy finds the remote buried underneath newspapers and potato chip bags and switches off the television.

"Hey!" Alex whines, accusingly. Then: "Wait, how'd you get in here?" It's been a while since Geddy's last seen him, and Alex has cultivated a small, scruffy goatee.

"I have a key, remember?"

"Oh, yeah. Well, you could'a called first."

"I did. Three times. You never answered."

"'S'probably 'cause I turned my phone off."

"Why the hell would you do that?"

"I didn't wanna be disturbed," Alex says with a shrug, like it's the most natural thing in the world.

Geddy sighs, making a useless attempt to straighten up Alex's living room, which is a feat tantamount to extinguishing a fire with a squirt gun. In the week since his divorce was finalized, Alex seems to have committed himself to giving as few fucks as possible, which explains why it looks like someone put all the trash in the center of the room and dropped a hand grenade on the pile. "You do understand why someone might freak out after calling you three times with no answer while your car's out in the driveway?"

"Oh shit, I didn't even think of that. Sorry, Ged."

"Don't you have a job to go to?"

"I'm on sabbatical."

"Can pilots even do that?"

Alex shrugs again. "Okay, I'm on _vacation_."

Geddy shakes his head and drops an armload of empty chip bags and candy wrappers into the neglected garbage bin. "Some vacation. We need an intervention here. I can't stand the thought of my best friend doing nothing but eating garbage and watching reruns and infomercials for the rest of his life."

"So don't think about it," comes Alex's reply, and Geddy doesn't know why he expected Alex to take this seriously. In over twenty years of friendship, Geddy has learned Alex will banter and quip his way through any and all occasions calling for sincerity. For those keeping score, this personality defect was likely a contributing factor in the dissolution of his marriage.

Geddy pushes aside the clutter on the coffee table and sits in the empty space. His body blocks the view of the TV, which forces Alex to look at him. "No offense, Lerxst, but you're a mess. We need to get you back in the game."

Alex sighs. "Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but it's not gonna happen. You've never been married. You don't get it."

Geddy's just going to ignore that, because his lack of a government-sanctioned marriage is no fault of his own. "It doesn't matter if I do. I'm here to help you start living again."

"What's the point?" Alex says, and for a brief moment Geddy hears the unguarded pain in his voice.

"Because your life isn't over yet."

"Then why do I feel so shitty?"

"Because you've just been lying here eating and watching junk."

"I don't remember you being so staunchly anti-television before, Ged. And you've got no business talking shit about junk food."

"All things in moderation," Geddy says. "You can't expect to live this way for a week and not develop some serious problems."

"I've already got some serious problems."

"So why give yourself more? All I'm asking is that you trust me completely and agree to do whatever I say."

Alex's brow furrows, his lips drawn into a pout. "I'm not sure I like where this is going."

"The old Lerxst would have enjoyed my spontaneity. Encouraged it, even."

"Maybe I'm not him anymore."

Geddy grasps Alex's hands in his own. Alex doesn't pull away, and Geddy resists the urge to glance down at his third finger where the ring had once been. "I know you want to start living again. You just need a little help getting started. That's what I'm here for."

Alex studies his face for a moment, and Geddy can see the fathoms of hurt flashing behind the wide pools of his eyes. "You can trust me," Geddy urges. "You're—" _The love of my life. The reason it's never worked with anybody else_. "You're my best friend. I'm not going anywhere."

The corners of Alex's mouth inch up into a small, tentative smile. "So what do I have to do?"

"First things first, take a shower and pack a bag."

"Why? Where are we going?"

Geddy smiles and says, "You'll see."

* * *

An hour later, they're on the road in Geddy's blue Mercedes, heading northwest out of Toronto. Alex still hasn't said much, which is fine, because Geddy knows his silence won't last long. Alex is pretty much incapable of going longer than an hour without saying something. They last about ten minutes before Alex digs through the collection of CDs in the glovebox and slides one in, then another ten before he mindlessly wonders, "So where are we going?"

"It's more about the journey, not the destination."

Alex sighs in a way Geddy thinks is particularly argumentative.

"Remember when John broke up with me and you took me to Caesar's Palace in Windsor to cheer me up?"

"Windsor is that way," Alex says, pointing behind them.

"I know how geography works. What I'm doing is similar in theme, but different in destination."

"I thought it wasn't about the destination."

"Now you're getting it," Geddy says with a grin.

Alex glances out the window as the city rolls by. He's quiet for a few moments, then: "Holy shit, did you kidnap me to go on a road trip?"

"It's only kidnapping if you don't want to be here."

All Alex can do is open and close his mouth like a confused fish, because Geddy's willing to bet money that there's nowhere he'd rather be than here. But it's not like Alex will admit to it, so he grudgingly settles back in the seat. "You think a few hours alone together in a car will make me want to talk?"

"You can't really be 'alone' and 'together' at the same time. The two kinda cancel each other out."

Geddy sees a small smile tug at the corners of Alex's mouth, like he's trying very hard not to laugh at that.

"But you don't have to talk to me," Geddy says, and he means it. Just having Alex near is enough to start that excited flutter in Geddy's chest. "You turn the stereo up loud enough and it'll swallow you whole."

Alex nods and gazes out the window as though it holds the secrets to life.

* * *

_**October 1980** _

Alex Lifeson moved next door to Geddy in the fall of 1980, as multicolored leaves began to drift onto the perfectly-tended front lawns of their small Toronto suburb. Back then, he'd been lanky and baby-faced, with blonde hair hanging past his jawline. But what caught Geddy's attention were Alex's radiant blue eyes and cherubic lips, the boyish mischief in his features.

The first time they met, Geddy was returning home from a two-week business trip to Manhattan, so he'd been understandably surprised to pull into his driveway and see an unfamiliar, gorgeous guy raking leaves in front of the house next door.

"You live next door?" he said, and his smile packed a hell of a punch, enough to stop Geddy in his tracks. "I was wondering why nobody went in or out for the last week or so."

Geddy must have looked immensely confused, because the gorgeous stranger chuckled nervously and extended his hand, crisply shaking Geddy's own. "Sorry, I'm Alex. I just moved in." He jerked his thumb in the direction of the house.

"I'm Geddy. Nice to meet you." He searched Alex's hands for a wedding ring and felt his heart tumble in his chest. Damn.

Alex's gaze found the suitcase Geddy was dragging behind him. "So how was New York?"

Geddy panicked and immediately shut off the part of his brain fantasizing about Alex, just in case the guy was actually a telepath. "Are you a mind-reader?"

Alex laughed, light and airy. "Nah, I'm just a pilot. I read your luggage tag."

"Oh. That was gonna be my next guess."

Alex laughed again, and Geddy found himself a little intoxicated by the sound of it, and he would go on to spend the next twenty-two years making Alex laugh. "You're probably tired, so I'll let you go. If you're not busy, you should come over sometime for dinner. I'm pretty good in the kitchen."

 _Not the room I'm interested in_ , Geddy thought, despite knowing how ridiculous and wrong it was to fantasize about a married man—a married man he'd known for less than five minutes, even. "Yeah, sure," he said instead, feeling like a doofus as he retreated into the comfort of his home.

Through the window, he stole a few glances at Alex, who was still raking leaves into a huge pile on the lawn. When he finished, Alex flung himself into the pile with childlike glee, and that was the moment Geddy fell a little in love with him.

* * *

"John never cheated on you, did he?" Alex asks as Canada's Wonderland rolls by outside. The autumn sun is beginning to dip in the sky, burning into dusk.

Geddy shakes his head. "He just thought I did. But who really knows? Maybe he did. And that's why he was so obsessed with the idea of me cheating on him."

"Or maybe a past lover cheated on him. Once bitten, twice shy."

"Maybe," Geddy says with a shrug, because he doesn't really care about the break-up anymore. It was the cold desolation that frightened him when John left, the throbbing loneliness closing like a vise around him. After five years in a steady relationship, the prospect of facing the world alone terrified Geddy. But he was never really alone, because he had Alex. Geddy has had Alex for the past twenty-two years, just not in the ways he wants most.

That loneliness, the idea of suddenly being less substantial than before, is what Alex is struggling with now.

Then Alex is asking, "So why do you think she did it?" and they're not talking about John anymore. Geddy's been waiting for Alex to talk about this, but now that the subject is on the table he feels dangerously unprepared, like it's a test he hasn't studied for.

"I really don't have a good answer for that," Geddy says, because Charlene's infidelity strikes him as baffling and incomprehensibly greedy. What could she possibly have wanted that she didn't already have?

"Well, why would you cheat? What would your thought process be?"

"I wouldn't."

"Let's just pretend you're an asshole in this scenario."

Geddy drums his fingers along the top of the steering wheel and thinks for a long moment. "Well... I loved John, but I can't remember being _in love_ with him, y'know? So, I guess if I ever fell in love with someone else..." He doesn't tell Alex that he already has, a thousand times over. "I dunno. It's hard to predict how you might react in a certain situation. Too many variables."

Alex looks like a sulky kid in the passenger seat, his shoulder up against the door and his head tilted on the window. "Thanks, Ged, that was helpful."

Geddy shrugs again. "Love is easy when you're young and don't know anything. But it gets harder as you go along." He throws Alex a careful look. "I'm sorry. I'm not good at this."

"You tried."

"I feel like those two words sum up a disturbing amount of my life," Geddy says, and Alex laughs. Well, it's more of a stilted chuckle in his throat, but it's the first time in a week Geddy has heard Alex make any sound remotely similar to a laugh.

Geddy smiles to himself and considers this progress.

* * *

_**November 1987** _

Geddy met John Rutsey in 1986 at a Toronto bar through sheer coincidence and John's own arrogance. Geddy wasn't looking for a date—it was a Friday night and the bar was showing the Blue Jays game—and the joint was geared toward those of the heterosexual persuasion, so anyone who looked at Geddy and his friend Nancy would've assumed they were on a date, or at least interested in each other.

Not John, however. It probably had something to do with the way Geddy glanced his way, forgetting to man the controls of his disinterest, and John caught Geddy looking at him. So there wasn't much left for John to do but get up from his seat and, drink in hand, walk over to Geddy's table.

Geddy's knee-jerk reaction when approached by an attractive person was to blush and stumble over his words. "Um, my, uh, my friend thinks you're cute," he said, pointing to Nancy and implicating her in this shameful moment.

Nancy made a sound of offense and smacked Geddy's shoulder. "Shut up!"

"Well, she wasn't the one looking over here," John said with a smirk, seeming accustomed to catching the eyes of other men.

Still, Geddy panicked internally, because John looked like he could kick Geddy's ass without breaking a sweat. "Oh, I was just—she didn't want to look too interested, so she had me perform, uh, reconnaissance, if you will—"

"Generally, reconnaissance requires at least a bit of stealth." John's smile was soft and easy and nowhere near as beautiful as Alex's, but Geddy just had to soldier on and find a new love to fill his empty spaces. "It's alright if you were checking me out," John said, pulling up a chair and sitting beside Geddy, effortlessly integrating himself into their inner circle. "I'm John, by the way."

"Geddy."

Nancy grinned and nudged Geddy with her elbow. "You're welcome," she whispered before moving to sit at the bar.

Geddy wasn't really sure what to say except, "So, um, how did you know? I mean, I could have been with her."

"You guys didn't really act like a couple." At Geddy's look of surprise, John added, "I'm a psychologist, so I'm really good at reading body language."

So Geddy never had a chance, then. Awesome. "Is it weird being able to read people's emotions like that?"

John smiled and said, "It certainly makes breaking the ice a lot easier."

What followed were two hours of perfect conversation, easy and fun, and they bought each other drinks throughout the night, and after a while Geddy realized that Nancy had left and they'd reached last call at the bar.

They began dating after that, and, one year later, Geddy asked John to move in with him, which, for a gay couple in the '80s, was pretty much as close to a marriage proposal as you could get. Looking back, John probably only accepted the offer because his landlord was a douchebag and Geddy owned a house.

So, Geddy did what he always did when he had news to share: he told Alex. Alex, however, didn't seem too thrilled about the arrangement. "That's great. I'm happy for you," he said, but something about his tone belied his words, like he had serious reservations about the whole thing but was too polite to voice them.

They were sitting on Alex's back porch in the middle of winter, and Toronto was already buried under a few inches of snow. Alex's two boys, Justin and Adrian, were having a pretty high-stakes snowball fight.

"You don't sound happy," Geddy said, studying Alex's face as he often did. Alex's beautiful blond hair was flecked with bulging snowflakes, his nose and cheeks pinked from the cold. "Do you think it's too soon?"

Alex shook his head. "It doesn't matter what I think, Ged."

"Of course it does. You're my favorite person in the world. If you think I'm making a mistake, you need to tell me."

Alex chewed his lower lip, exhaling a visible breath in the frigid air. "It's so hard to tell if saying something is the right thing to do."

"I'm telling you that it is. C'mon, Lerxst, you know you can tell me anything."

Alex glanced away for a moment, his mouth twisted into a worried pout. "Shouldn't John be your favorite person in the world? I mean, you're moving in with the guy. For you, that's like marriage. I would think you'd prefer his company over mine."

"I was just making you feel special," Geddy said half-jokingly, patting Alex on the back.

"That's just it though. I don't think you were." Alex took a deep breath. "I don't think you're really in love with John. Not the head-over-heels way you should be. When you first told me you were dating him, you didn't sound excited about it. It was like... telling me was just one on a list of things you had to get done that day. And you did the same thing just now when you said he's moving in with you. If you really loved this guy, don't you think you'd be more jazzed about spending the rest of your life with him?"

Geddy wasn't sure how to respond to that. His attraction to John was mostly rooted in pragmatism, a well-intentioned, textbook case of settling for second best, since Alex was accounted for and most likely not interested in dudes. Geddy didn't feel sparks with John, didn't feel that perfect symbiosis of deep passion and all-consuming love, but passion is dangerous and not conducive to stability.

"What about you and Charlene?" Geddy asked instead. "Is she still your best friend?"

"Don't be evasive, Ged," Alex said with a sly smile. "This is about you and John. I'm not a factor."

 _But you are,_ Geddy thought, and luckily managed not to say it out loud.

Whatever expression Geddy made must have given Alex pause, because he said, "Hey, look, I'm probably wrong. I mean, you know how you feel, right? Why's it matter what I think? Like I said, I'm not a factor."

But Alex absolutely was a factor, perhaps the primary factor, and it would be four years before this ugly truth came to light.

* * *

When the moon is full and high in the sky, Alex starts getting cranky. "Why are you _still_ driving?"

Geddy doesn't know why he expected Alex to just settle back and accept an aimless road trip. "Because it's the only way to get where we're going."

"How have you not run out of gas yet?" Alex wonders, incredulous as he leans over to look at the fuel meter.

"I filled up before I went over to your place."

"So you were planning on kidnapping me? That's premeditation, buddy."

Geddy rolls his eyes. "We _just_ had this discussion. You're not kidnapped."

Alex makes an obstinate huffing sound. "Can we at least stop for food before you drive us all the way to Alaska?"

That's not too unreasonable of a request. Geddy could use a break and maybe a hot shower. He's never driven this long or this far without a plan before. It would probably be a good idea to stop somewhere and figure out where they actually _are_.

So Geddy pulls into the lot of the first restaurant they find and murmurs, "Where are we?"

"Sudbury."

"How do you—"

"I was reading the signs we passed," Alex explains. "Just in case I need to make an escape later."

Geddy hopes that's a joke, but there's a small curl at the corner of Alex's mouth, so maybe he's not being serious about escaping. Maybe. Geddy's still going to keep an eye on him, just in case. And definitely not let him have access to the car keys.

The restaurant is warm and cozy inside, which gives them a chance to thaw out from the quick walk from the car to the building. Alex orders a beer and a disgusting pile of cheese and French fries and gravy that's fucking with Geddy's cholesterol just looking at it. "How can you eat that and feel good about yourself?"

"Like this," Alex says before stuffing his mouth full.

"How are you even alive?"

"Jury's still out on that one."

Geddy stirs his soup in slow circles, using the spoon to guide the croutons into a lazy whirlpool. Occasionally, he pulls off a piece of bread and dips it into the creamy broth. Eaten this way, a bowl of soup can last an hour. It doesn't take nearly that long for an awkward silence to slam around them, the only sounds coming from Alex as he aggressively devours his food. After a while he looks up at Geddy and takes a long drink. "So we already know what's wrong with me, but what's your problem?"

Geddy lifts his eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"You've been kinda weird all evening. Not even one off-color joke?" Alex shakes his head like he's disappointed. How can someone lost in the world of his own misery still be so sharp?

"Sorry, I'm just... trying to be serious for once, I guess."

"Good one. C'mon, what's wrong, Ged? This whole communication thing goes both ways, y'know."

"It's complicated."

"I think I can handle it."

Geddy thinks for a moment. Talking about his own problems might alleviate the emotional burden he's been carrying, as well as help Alex open up himself. "I turned forty-nine this year, and what do I have to show for it? At the very least, you have your kids. But I don't have anything. Nothing that matters, really. I thought by the time I reached fifty I'd have a family or someone to share my life with. But now when I look in the mirror, I see this horrible future unfolding in front of me: dying alone in that house with just a TV and a slow, waddling dog or a bunch of cats I'll talk to like children. I thought going to LA would help, y'know, maybe push me out of this comfortable nest I've built here, but it didn't. I'm still the same person I've always been."

Alex smiles sadly. "At least you're reliable." Geddy makes a noise he thinks might be a soft chuckle. "How come you never got a dog?"

"It felt too much like surrender. Because I know if there's another living thing to keep me company, I'll get complacent and just stop trying altogether, y'know? I need that crushing loneliness to motivate me, but for some reason it just... isn't enough, because I haven't changed a damn thing."

"Jesus, Ged, you're a real fuckin' downer sometimes," Alex says, his mouth turned up at the edges. "But you don't have nothing. You got me. You've always got me. I'm your slow, waddling dog."

"They say pet owners tend to look like their dogs. Or is it the other way around and they pick dogs who look like them?"

"I see you're asking the tough questions tonight."

Geddy laughs, and things click into place again, banishing the awkwardness and uncertainty, and he thinks maybe it's time to start appreciating what he has instead of yearning for what might have been. Alex is here with him. He trusts and loves Geddy—in whatever capacity that may be—enough to blindly join him on a trip with an unknown destination, and that's what matters, right?

It takes another beer for Alex to really start talking, but once he does the words flow as though pouring from a valve neither of them can shut off. "Charlene was jealous of you," he says, which surprises Geddy, because Alex hasn't talked about the divorce aside from the fact that Charlene had an affair. "She felt like I had a more intimate relationship with you than with her."

"She and John were cut from the same cloth, it seems."

"She never accused me of sleeping with you or anything. But I think she viewed our relationship as some sort of... emotional cheating."

"John was the same way..." Geddy says and feels a dark wave of regret for inadvertently ruining two relationships, one of which that wasn't even his to begin with.

Alex keeps going. "Sometimes I think having Adrian was Charlene's last-ditch effort at fixing whatever was wrong with us."

Geddy sits there in stunned silence.

"I know now that having a baby to repair a failing marriage is the apex of stupidity," Alex continues. "The kid can't do anything for himself, but you want him to fix something that you've spent years fucking up."

Geddy should have stayed in Los Angeles, should have stayed away from Alex and his family. Returning to Toronto only fractured them further. If he hadn't come back, maybe Alex and Charlene would have been okay. Geddy hates himself for what he's done, then he hates himself even more for making this about his own feelings when the point of this trip is to make Alex feel better.

"I'm sorry," Geddy says, because he doesn't know what else to say.

"For what?"

"For—all of this. Everything that's happened to you." For falling in love with Alex and destroying his marriage through a hopeless, desperate crush.

"Well, thanks, I guess. For apologizing."

"It's what I do."

* * *

_**September 1996** _

Geddy moved to Los Angeles after his older brother Allan offered him a position as a co-executive producer in his independent production company. Allan, like most successful Canadians, made his fortune by getting the hell out of Canada and setting up shop in Hollywood, where he mingled and partied with movie stars on an almost daily basis. He was also married with two children, which only amplified Geddy's reputation as the useless son.

Geddy's career as a record producer paid well, but five years after breaking up with John, he needed a change of scenery, a chance at a new life. His main motivation for the move had been Alex, because Geddy was incapable of relinquishing his feelings for a married man. Living next door to the object of his misplaced affection didn't help matters either. Allan offered a lifeline, a way for Geddy to cut himself free from the tangled web in which he found himself ensnared.

The problem, of course, was telling Alex. "So, um, Allan offered me a job in LA," Geddy started. The two of them sat outside on Alex's front porch, staring at the fading afternoon light.

Alex made a face, a mix of curious and apprehensive. "Yeah? What'd you say?"

"I said yes." Geddy held his breath and waited for Alex's response.

Alex has a way of looking like a sad puppy; it must be the eyes. He blinked a few times too many, as though trying to come to grips with this new reality. "Oh. Well, that's—that's great. What kind of job is it?"

"Co-executive producer. He's a pretty big name out there, so the job's mine if I want it."

"Do you?"

"I think so."

"You think?"

"I'm keeping the house here," Geddy explained. "So I have a safety net if this doesn't work out. There's no harm in trying, right? Who knows? It might be fun."

"Yeah, totally. Don't forget me when you're rich and famous, Mr. Hollywood," Alex joked, giving Geddy a gentle shove.

"Not gonna happen."

"Forgetting me?"

"No, being rich and famous."

They shared a laugh, but Alex didn't sound like his heart was in it. Geddy glanced over at him, studied his face as though it might have been the last time he'd ever see it. "You'll keep in touch, right?" Alex asked before Geddy could speak.

"Of course. You don't just forget someone you've been friends with for sixteen years," Geddy said, and he should have realized right then that moving away would be a fool's errand.

Hindsight, as they say, is 20/20.

* * *

They check into a motel after dinner, and unfortunately there's only one bed available, but neither of them feel like driving around looking for another motel in an unfamiliar city, so they'll just have to make do. The room isn't as dingy and depressing as Geddy thought it would be. There's a mural depicting a serene lakeside scene above the bed. The duvet is a deep emerald color reminiscent of a peacock's feathers. The walls are a muted green, and the hardwood floor is the color of pale oatmeal. At least there's a TV.

Geddy takes the shower first, because Alex has made himself comfortable on the bed while he watches television, and he looks as though only a grand-scale disaster will get him to move. Under the calming, hot spray of the water, Geddy wonders if he's doing the right thing here. Alex has opened up a bit, but as Geddy has learned, no matter how far you run, your problems have a way of catching up to you. Is this trip doing more harm than good? Maybe he should offer to head home in the morning, at least raise the option of turning back. Keeping Alex cooped up in a car for an undetermined length of time is really only benefitting Geddy. He knew the day would come when his desire to be a good friend to Alex and his own possessive feelings would be at cross-purposes.

When Geddy gets out of the shower, he's surprised to see Alex is still there on the bed, having made no obvious attempts to move. "You're still here?" Geddy wonders aloud.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Alex frowns. "Did you really think I'd cut and run on you like that?"

"Well... yeah."

"Are you kidding? We haven't been able to hang out like this since you moved back. I'm loving every minute."

Geddy hadn't realized how much he needed to hear that until it's out there. "So you don't wanna head back in the morning?"

"Not unless you do."

"No, no, I just—thought I'd give you an escape hatch of sorts." He wonders if he's allowed to sit on the bed next to Alex or if he'll be relegated to a chair. Alex has never made Geddy feel like an outsider for being gay, but here in this cheap motel room off the highway with a single bed, Geddy feels like he has 'I want your dick' stenciled across his forehead with bold ink.

"Just sit down, you big weirdo," Alex says, patting the empty space next to him on the bed. So Geddy does, and it's actually kind of nice. Very nice, really. Alex is big and warm and familiar, and Geddy can smell the faint scent of cologne, and he imagines leaning in and burying his face in the hollow of Alex's neck and just breathing him in. He doesn't, though, just settles in and watches whatever awful movie Alex is chuckling at.

Alex falls asleep a little while later, and Geddy finds himself studying his perfect, albeit weathered features. He looks remarkably the same as he always has, save for a few extra pounds and the questionable goatee, but Geddy is in no position to call someone's facial hair stylings into question. Geddy lies there beside him, caught in the fragile, not-quite-real atmosphere that comes with strange motel rooms, and tries to sift through the jumble of emotions Alex invokes in him.

What he knows for certain is this: he's in helplessly, irrevocably in love with Alex.


	2. How It Is

Alex is gone when Geddy wakes up in the morning, which gets his heart jackhammering against his ribs. He's still half-asleep, so it takes a moment or two for his brain to boot up and remind him if Alex left he probably would have taken his suitcase, which is currently open on the floor.

A second realization slams into him with immediacy. In order to leave, Alex has procured Geddy's car, because he doesn't see it parked in the lot. There are very few things Geddy owns outright, so this comes as a bit of an affront. He's in the middle of plotting an elaborate revenge scheme when Alex comes through the front door with coffee and donuts. "Oh, you're up!" Alex chirps, way too fucking cheery for ten in the morning.

"I see you took my car," Geddy says, because that's a pretty important point.

"Well, I refilled the tank and brought food, so I hope that makes us even."

"You weren't s'posed to pay for anything."

"Then I guess I don't feel bad about the twenty dollars I took out of your wallet," Alex says with a grin, and Geddy can't tell if he's joking or not.

"Glad to see you're in a better mood."

"It's a little easier to feel good about your life when you're so far away from it."

Geddy never really thought about it that way before, but it makes sense. The distance made him capable of spending four years in Los Angeles, so maybe Alex has a point. "By that logic, the further we drive, the better you'll feel?"

"It's worth a shot. Unless you wanted to stick around here for a while."

"It's not up to me."

* * *

Heading west out of Sudbury gives them a scenic route boasting warm autumn colors on either side of the highway. Occasionally, Alex will drag his fingers through the crisp wind as they whip down a long stretch of road, and Geddy will smile to himself. The sky is a bright, militant blue with cotton ball clouds wafting through the air, the kind of day that implies staying indoors is a crime against humanity.

As they race past the Sudbury boundary sign, Alex digs through the messy heap of CDs stuffed into the glovebox. "Do you ever listen to stuff you've produced?"

"Sometimes. I'm usually too nervous to listen, afraid I'll hear some glaring mistake."

"I'm sure the band would have let you know by now. And as long as the album sells, they probably don't care. You're always your own worst critic, y'know."

Geddy can't ignore the tinny ringing sound coming from the passenger seat. "I think that's your phone, Lerxst."

"Oh. Forgot I even had it with me." Alex chuckles and fishes the phone out of his pocket. "Hello?"

Geddy's not able to hear the other side of the conversation, which means all he can do is listen to Alex and try to figure out the missing pieces.

"Oh, hey, Justin. What's up?" So Alex is talking to his eldest son. "You did? Oh, sorry, guess I didn't think that through... Um, yeah, actually, I'm with Geddy right now. We're on a road trip... I'm not really sure, we just seem to be going wherever the road takes us." Alex laughs at something Justin says. "Yeah, probably." He listens for a moment, then gets a shocked expression on his face and glances over at Geddy. "Um, I don't think that's a good idea," Alex says, speaking slowly, and, oh no, this can't be any good. "Oh, I'm sure it would. For all the wrong reasons. And that's not really the best reason to, uh, do something like that... Well, I do, but I don't know if... No, I can't just ask! There are rules. Well, okay, not really _rules_ , but, y'know, tact."

What could they be talking about? Geddy's fairly certain the whole glancing-at-him-then-speaking-ambiguously isn't a good sign. But maybe there's a reasonable explanation. Justin might share Charlene's anti-Geddy sentiments, being the oldest son and able to see the cracks in his parents' marriage.

Or there's a chance it has nothing to do with Geddy at all, and he's just being a paranoid bastard.

Alex closes out the phone conversation with nothing else that piques Geddy's interest. Geddy tries very hard not to seem too interested, staring intently at the road ahead and tapping his fingers on the wheel. But the car is too quiet, and switching the radio back on will be a concession on Geddy's part that this is an awkward moment he's trying to subvert, and the last thing he wants is to draw attention to it, but sitting here in silence isn't working out so well either, and—

"That was Justin," Alex supplies, because it's impossible to relay the details of a phone call without prefacing them with the identity of the caller, no matter how obvious it was. "He, uh, he stopped by my place and was a little alarmed when I didn't answer the door. I told you we should've taken my car."

"I wouldn't be caught dead in that poor substitute for masculinity you call a car."

"If mine's a substitute for masculinity, what's yours?"

"Bigger," Geddy says, and Alex laughs.

"My kids always liked you, y'know. They kinda see you as their cool uncle."

"Yeah, Adrian might have said something to that effect. But Allan's kids don't think I'm cool. I wonder what he's been telling them about me."

"You don't think Darth Allan speaks highly of you? I'm shocked."

Geddy chuckles at the nickname. It's not that there's anything really wrong with Allan himself, but he's the golden child of the family and has absolutely zero character defects Geddy can console himself with, so by default Allan has become Geddy's arch-nemesis, solely through how easily success has come to him and how much deference their mother pays him at family gatherings.

"Well, my kids like you, at least," Alex says, and Geddy wonders if that means anything.

He drives on towards some vague, unknown destination, passing by a stretch of countryside called Lee Valley which of course Alex cracks jokes about. Geddy just rolls his eyes and laughs and hopes they never run out of road.

They arrive in Sault Sainte Marie a little after noon, which gives Geddy a chance to get out of the car and stretch his legs. They walk along the boardwalk, taking a long moment to admire the view of the St. Mary's River and the bridge connecting Canada to the United States. Geddy doesn't travel often, so he's easily impressed and awed by nature, but Alex has probably seen cities like this a million times over and no longer gives a shit. But he doesn't look bored whenever Geddy risks glancing at him, so that's something.

"You ever think about having kids?" Alex asks.

Geddy shrugs. "The same way you'd think about being an astronaut or a major league baseball player. Hypothetical."

"Really? I always figured you'd be a great dad 'cause you're so good with my kids."

"Well, unless I meet a great guy who somehow already has kids of his own, I think that ship has sailed."

"Yeah, where're you gonna find one of those?" Alex says with a chuckle, then he skips a stone across the water. There's an indecipherable look in his eyes that brings a lump to Geddy's throat, and it's gone when Alex turns to him and says, "You want lunch?"

"Not if you're buying."

Alex scowls. "Rude."

"You're not s'posed to pay for anything, remember?"

"C'mon, Ged, I feel like a freeloader here. Let me pay for something."

"No. This is non-negotiable. You wanna pay for something, I'll leave you here and you can pay for the bus ride back home."

Alex huffs an exasperated laugh. "You're such a dick."

* * *

_**May 2001** _

Adrian had become quite comfortable dropping by Geddy's house when his parents started their almost nightly arguments, so Geddy wasn't surprised to see him standing under the dim porch light one Saturday night. "Hey, Uncle Ged," Adrian said with a grim smirk, pulling his headphones off his ears to rest around his neck.

Geddy never got used the uncle thing, no matter how many times he heard it. "How did you know I'd be home tonight?"

"The car in the driveway was a pretty big hint. And you're always home, dude."

"I could've had a date! Maybe the guy picked me up. You don't know."

"No offense, but you couldn't get a date if dates were magnets and your butt was due north."

Geddy pouted and shot a glare at Alex's house. "Alex, your son's making fun of me!" He shook his head, opening the door so Adrian could step inside. Clearly, Adrian got his smart-ass sense of humor from his father, so Geddy could never give the kid too much grief about it. "What seems to be the problem this time?"

Adrian shuffled lazily over to the recliner and dropped into the chair. "Well, you."

"Me?"

"For one, Mom doesn't like me hanging out with you, because you're allegedly a bad influence and 'not even my real uncle.'"

"Then why are you here?"

"'Cause I never do what I'm s'posed to."

Geddy thought about that for a moment and nodded slowly. "And second?"

Adrian switched off the music still blasting from his headphones. He leaned in as though about to reveal earth-shattering information. "She thinks you and Dad are having an affair."

Turns out that _was_ pretty earth-shattering. "What?" Geddy sputtered, hoping he wasn't as red as he felt.

"She's like psycho-jealous, dude. I guess 'cause she cheated she's paranoid that he is, too. It's, like, transference or something."

Geddy felt something inside his chest deflate. "What are you talking about?"

"Y'know, transference? Like when you—"

"No, no, about the affair!" Geddy sort of shouted.

"Oh, duh. Well, Mom slept with some guy she met at the gym, so that's pretty much all my parents argue about now."

Hearing the words felt like taking punches. It was ridiculous for him to feel heartbroken over this, but there it was. Geddy paced the living room floor. "You're joking, right? Please tell me you're joking."

"We could only be so lucky."

"She cheated on him?" Geddy said, and it didn't sound any less ridiculous or plausible out loud, but something cold and hard clicked into place. "Are you sure?"

"Why are you surprised? All they've done is fight for, like, two years," Adrian said with a heartbreaking, practiced detachment.

Geddy thought about Alex, how betrayed and hurt and lost he must feel now. "When did this happen?"

Adrian shrugged. "A couple days ago? Or maybe that's just when Dad found out about it." He dug through his jeans' pockets, fishing out a bent joint and a lighter.

"Don't do that in front of me."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm your sort-of uncle, and it's irresponsible."

"Fine, I'll go out on the back porch."

"Adrian."

"Look, all my parents ever do is fight. I don't have a car so I can't hang with my friends who will smoke with me." Adrian gestured with the joint. "If not now, when?"

The kid had a point. Geddy sighed in defeat and said, "Fine. Fire it up."

"I knew I liked you for a reason," Adrian said, lighting up. Geddy would have felt guilty for fulfilling his reputation as a bad influence, but his mind was still spinning with the news of Charlene's affair. He could have used a joint himself. "You and Dad aren't really together, are you? 'Cause I think I've been traumatized enough."

Geddy shook his head, still in somewhat of a daze. "No, no, your mother just has a, uh, overactive imagination."

"Among other things," Adrian grumbled before taking a puff off the joint.

"She's still your mother, y'know," Geddy argued weakly, but his heart wasn't in it, and Adrian pounced like a hungry jackal.

"So what? You think it's a coincidence this all happens before I'm s'posed to graduate and move out? Any idiot could tell they stayed together for my sake. Yeah, a lot of fucking good that did me. I'm just responsible for my parents' marriage going to shit. No big deal or anything."

"I think you're giving yourself too much credit," Geddy said after letting the tragedy in Adrian's words stun him. "Your parents are adults. They're perfectly capable of screwing things up on their own."

Adrian scowled, though it was probably more of a pout, and took a long, meaningful drag.

"You know they're gonna smell that on your clothes," Geddy pointed out.

"Wouldn't be the first time."

"But it would be the first time you've come home from _my_ house smelling like pot. Apparently, your mother already thinks I'm a bad influence."

Adrian shrugged. "So how much more damage could I do?"

"You're killin' me here."

Adrian passed the joint in Geddy's direction. "Then just get high and forget about it for a while." Geddy shook his head, and Adrian rolled his eyes and took another drag. "Whatever, man."

They sat in a comfortable, smoky silence for a while until Adrian mumbled, "Y'know, I guess it would be cool if you were my dad, too. Like, if my parents split when I was a baby and I didn't remember it, and you and Dad were kind of... heterosexual life partners who don't have sex at all 'cause I don't wanna think about anything that even remotely connects my parents to sex, but, y'know..."

That, Geddy thought, was unexpected, especially coming from a teenager with a wide array of silver and gold jewelry embedded in his earlobes.

"Well, it's gonna have to be enough that I'm your sort-of uncle who lets you get high in front of him," Geddy said, feeling a sudden, piercing sadness amplified by the pungent smoke.

Geddy had been right to worry about the smell following Adrian home, because the next morning Charlene pounded on his front door, looking mightily furious.

"Did you smoke pot with my son?" she asked as soon as Geddy opened the door.

"Not even a 'hello'?"

Charlene glared at him, her eyes burning with unbridled hostility. After what Adrian told him, it made sense Charlene would hate him now. "He came home from your house last night reeking of pot."

Geddy shrugged helplessly. "He didn't get it from me."

"That's not what I'm asking."

"It was his stuff," Geddy protested. "I just let him smoke it. Maybe you haven't noticed, but he's going through a tough time right now." The bitterness was coming out, his own vicious resentment towards her for cheating on Alex, for taking his best friend's heart and not caring enough to treat it properly. "At least he had adult supervision."

Charlene laughed a dark sound. "'Adult?' You're a forty-seven-year-old teenager. That's why Adrian likes you. You don't have to be concerned with his well-being because at the end of the day you're just his buddy."

"And how is fucking someone who isn't your husband showing concern for your son's well-being?" A low blow, but Geddy felt she deserved it. After all, most of her anger was unfairly directed at him for being Alex's friend. If Alex preferred Geddy's company to Charlene's, that sure as hell wasn't Geddy's problem.

Charlene stiffened as though she'd just been slapped, and Geddy thought she might actually hit him, but she just narrowed her eyes and said, "Don't hang around my son again."

"What about your husband?" Geddy challenged, fully aware of the smugness in his voice, so he really should have expected it when Charlene reached out and smacked him across the face.

"Bastard," she spat at him before storming away. Geddy just sort of stood there on his front porch, because he'd seen things like this happen in movies, but was never really prepared for it to happen in real life.

"So, that's a no, right?"

* * *

After lunch, they find a casino and decide to take advantage of the Canadian government's gracious oversight regarding gambling winnings. Alex is a cautious gambler, never wagering more than a hundred dollars total, but Geddy's entire life is based on risk—save for the one huge risk he's never taken—so he ends up making mad bank at the blackjack tables. His boisterous successes earn a bit of a crowd, including Alex, who's just standing there awed.

"My God, you're a savant! Unless you're cheating somehow," Alex says.

Geddy looks over at him. "Cheating how? Maybe I'm just lucky."

"Or you're secretly a genius who's counting cards."

"It's just random chance, Lerxst. Sorry to disappoint." The dealer busts out, and Geddy rakes in his chips. "Thanks for the free money, everybody! Nothin' like making a buck the easy way!"

"I forgot how much you trash-talk," Alex says later while they're sipping cocktails at the bar. Geddy refuses to sit because he knows pretty much every seat in a casino has been defiled in disgusting, unsanitary ways.

"I can't help it that I'm competitive. Blame Allan for being Mom's favorite."

"I hope my kids don't think I pick favorites."

"No, they've got different problems."

Alex lifts an eyebrow. "Like what? Did somebody say something?"

Geddy wonders if he should share this with Alex, since Adrian told him in assumed confidence, but Geddy tells Alex almost everything, and if it leads to a strengthening of the bond between a father and son, what's the harm? "Well, Adrian thinks he's the reason for the divorce."

Alex sighs, his shoulders slumping. "Yeah, he might've mentioned that to me once or twice. I told him it's not, of course, but y'know how teenagers are. They think the world revolves around them. I fucked my marriage up on my own, thank you very much."

Geddy wants to argue that Alex did nothing wrong, but these kind of situations tend to involve two people making huge mistakes, so in a rare moment of rationality his urge to defend Alex is thwarted by logic.

Instead, he notices the sandy-haired woman across the bar who's been stealing glances in their direction. She's ridiculously attractive, and alarm bells go off in Geddy's brain. "I think that woman's interested in you," he murmurs, directing Alex's gaze. "Sort of blonde hair, pink dress." It's actually more of a rose color, but he's not nearly gay enough to say that out loud.

Alex offers her a warm, cordial smile. "Careful," Geddy warns, "we don't want her disrobing in the middle of the casino."

Alex laughs. "Maybe _you_ don't."

Geddy takes a swallow of his drink. "You, uh, you wanna go over there and talk to her?"

"What if she's looking at you? You're the guy who won a haul at the blackjack table."

"Have you seen me? I _look_ gay. Of course she isn't interested me."

Alex sort of snorts laughter into his drink.

"You're laughing because it's true, aren't you?"

"No, no, you're just—You look maybe, like, a quarter gay."

"I think you've had enough," Geddy says, plucking the glass from Alex's fingers and setting it aside. "Now, what do you think? Are you ready to get back on that horse and try your luck?" It's oddly uncomfortable being forced to play the role of the platonic friend that, up until now, Geddy thought he'd been doing for real.

Alex steals another glance in her direction. "Okay, so she's not a ten, but I wouldn't call her a horse."

Geddy just gives him a look, because if he does this long enough Alex will break their silence with words.

"I don't think I'm ready yet," Alex admits, dejectedly. "The idea of meeting someone new and building a relationship is daunting to me."

Geddy wants to interject and remind him buying someone a drink or asking them out doesn't have to lead into a relationship, but he knows Alex isn't built for one-night stands. Alex is frighteningly Pollyanna, needing the stability of commitment.

Alex continues, "I mean, by getting married I thought I'd earned myself a lifetime of never having to break the ice again, y'know? And I'm not a great catch. Women aren't exactly lining up to date fat, balding, divorced guys."

"Are you kidding? You're funny, intelligent, and sweet and good-looking, and you've got a stable career. Any woman would kill to have you." _I would kill to have you._

Alex blushes a bit, and Geddy wants to reach out and feel the way it heats up his skin. "Aw, thanks, Ged. But I think I'm gonna hold off on dating for a while. I wanna be with someone so badly, but apparently desperation is off-putting."

That feels like a jab at Geddy's own longing for love, and it's ridiculous for him to see it that way, but he can't help it. Alex always manages to pierce through his emotional armor. "Yeah, who'd've thought?"

Casinos are all about making time cease to exist, so when Geddy and Alex get outside it's already dark. "Holy crap," Alex says, stuffing his chilled hands into the pockets of his jacket. "I didn't think we spent that long in there."

"That's how they get you." Geddy leans against the driver's side door of the Mercedes and stares up at the autumn moon. "How about dinner? My treat. Well, it's actually the casino's treat, but we're not big on semantics right now."

Alex makes an irresistible pouty face. "I dunno if I'm comfortable with you paying for everything."

"Tough shit. We've discussed this, like, ten times. Get over it."

"It just doesn't feel right 'cause you're not letting me reciprocate. At least let me pay for my half."

Geddy shakes his head. "My trip, my rules. If you don't like it, you can just go hungry. See how long you last."

Alex laughs and clutches his gut. "Joke's on you, I've got enough fat in here to last through years of starvation!"

Sometimes Geddy finds it hard to believe this is the guy he's been in love with for over two decades.

Geddy finds the fanciest restaurant in town they're allowed into without formal dress. He's got no problem ordering a forty-dollar bottle of wine, but Alex scours the menu for something cheap and comes up empty. "The bread's free, right?"

"Don't be that guy. Just order something. Did you forget that I won at a casino? As far as I'm concerned, I'm not even spending real money."

"What if you didn't win?" Alex asks. "How did you plan on financing this trip the other day when you told me to come along?"

"I'm just dipping a little into my retirement fund. No big deal."

Apparently, it is a big deal—at least to Alex—because his eyes go wide and his mouth drops open. "What? Are you serious?"

Geddy's retirement plan hinges on moving to France and buying a vineyard. It's a future that's creeping up on him pretty quickly, but it's not like this trip will bankrupt him. He doesn't expect Alex to keep this going much longer. They're pretty much playing a long, elaborate game of chicken.

"It'll be fine," Geddy assures him.

Alex stares at him as though seeing Geddy for the first time. "You did this for me?"

"Well, yeah, of course. You're my best friend."

"That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me," Alex says, awed. "Thanks, Ged."

"Don't worry about it."


	3. Vapor Trail

The next afternoon, they're heading down the highway out of town when Alex produces two slightly bent cigarettes from his jeans' pockets. Upon closer inspection, they're not cigarettes at all. They're joints.

"Where did you get those?" Geddy wonders, though he's sure he won't like whatever the answer is.

"Some guy at the casino was broke and trading 'em for cash."

"There are so many things wrong with that I don't even know where to start."

"You could start by joining me," Alex says, punching the dashboard lighter and firing one up.

"Well, now I know where Adrian gets it from," Geddy mutters under his breath.

"What?"

"Nothing. Light one up for me."

"That's the spirit." Alex takes a long drag, exhaling a plume of smoke as he hands the other joint to Geddy. The wave of secondhand ganja is so strong it stings Geddy's throat a little. "It'll be just like old times."

"What're you talking about, Lerxst? We never got high together."

Alex shrugs, taking another greedy pull. "Well, the old times we should've had." There's a bitterness there that Geddy wouldn't notice if he wasn't so intimately familiar with the textures of Alex's voice, and it makes him wonder what else Alex thinks they should have done together.

It's been a very long time since Geddy has smoked marijuana, and he makes a critical mistake by sucking the herb deep down into his lungs. Dry, acrid smoke fills his throat as though it's a closed-off chimney. "Shit," he chokes. "What's in this?"

"I dunno, man, but it's awesome."

Smoke has permeated the car like sweet incense. Geddy cracks a window so he can breathe. Alex is sort of melting into the passenger seat, gazing at the neverending forest of red and yellow trees passing by on either side of the highway. "I don't remember pot being this strong," Geddy says around another puff.

"New and improved, I guess," Alex says with a giggle, and, oh great, he's already stoned.

"Apparently."

It only takes a few minutes for Geddy to catch up to Alex's carefree high. The world takes on dizzying and terrifying angles, and Geddy has to pull onto the shoulder of the highway to take a moment to breathe, resting his head against the warm leather of the steering wheel. "Fuck."

"You," Alex laughs, "are stoned."

"It would seem so. Why did I think this was a good idea?"

"Beats the hell outta me."

Geddy grumbles in annoyance and switches the car off. "C'mon, let's take a walk."

"You walk," Alex challenges. "I'm baked."

"So am I, which I'll remind you is entirely your fault. You're coming with me."

Alex doesn't put up much of an argument, just makes an aggrieved noise as he gets out of the car. They walk down the colorful shoulder of the highway, admiring the rusty hues of the leaves fluttering in the gentle breeze. Alex is still sucking the last few puffs out of his joint, and Geddy's tempted to smack it out of his hand, but it's not like Alex is going to drive anytime soon. For someone who operates a giant vehicle with wings on an almost daily basis, Alex's driving skills are mildly terrifying. The possibility exists, of course, that Alex drives the way he does just to frighten Geddy.

"I'm hungry," Alex says, smoke flowing from between his lips.

"You don't say."

"Hey, it's been, like, two hours since we ate. Plus, y'know, the weed."

"Of course."

Alex takes one last puff and stubs out the joint where gravel meets grass. They keep walking until they spot a motorcycle pulled over on the side of the highway. There's a scruffy-looking guy futzing with the bike, so either he's the owner or he got lucky and found an abandoned motorcycle.

"You're seein' this, too, right?" Alex asks.

"The motorcycle? Yeah."

"Thank God. We should probably go see if that guy's okay."

"What guy?"

Alex shoots him a horrified look, and Geddy can't resist laughing.

"I'm just fucking with you. C'mon." They move a bit closer to the leather-clad stranger lying beneath the undercarriage of the motorcycle. "You okay, buddy?"

The man sticks his head out and takes a curious, upside-down look at them. "I'll live, but my bike won't. I'm thinking about packing it in and just calling a truck to pick it up. You guys wouldn't—" He stops, eyeing them suspiciously. "Where'd you two come from?"

Geddy glances behind him. The Mercedes is merely a blue speck in the distance. "We're parked a ways back. Just taking a little stroll."

"On the side of the highway?"

Alex takes that one. "We're, like, super high." He gasps. " _High_. _Way_. Whoa."

The stranger emits a dry chuckle. "Either of you wouldn't happen to have a phone, would you?"

"Why don't we just load your bike into our car and drop it off at a garage?" Alex suggests, and Geddy has to nitpick the terminology.

"' _Our'_ car, Lerxst?"

Alex doesn't bother dignifying that with anything more than an eyeroll.

"That's awfully generous of you," the man says, crawling out from under the bike and climbing to his feet. He wipes his grease and oil-stained hands on an equally dirty rag. "Would save me a lot of time."

"You'll have to drive, though," Geddy warns him. "'Cause, y'know, we're a bit stoned."

"Just a bit," Alex chimes in, nodding emphatically. Then: "Wait, you won't even let _me_ drive your car, but you'll put a total stranger behind the wheel?" He looks at the man. "No offense."

"You drive like you're playing Mario Kart. And this is what you might call an extenuating circumstance."

Alex folds his arms over his chest and pouts. "That just sounds like a big word for 'excuse.'"

"I'll say it slower next time, then."

The stranger seems slightly amused by their bickering, which is a good sign, at least. He rolls the bike along the shoulder as Geddy and Alex lead the way to the parked car. "So, you got a name, or are we gonna have to call you Motorcycle Guy?" Alex asks their new travel companion.

"Neil."

"Is that an order, or is that your name?" Alex says, laughing uproariously at his own terrible joke. Thanks to the weed, Geddy finds himself snickering, too.

Judging by the look on his face, the stranger might be regretting this newfound alliance. "Which one do you think it is?"

"Well, Neil, I'm Alex, and the man with the mid-life crisis facial hair is Geddy."

"Nice to meet you both," Neil says. "And thanks a lot for your help."

"No problem. Where're you headed?"

Neil is quiet for a moment, then he says, "I don't know who I am, what I'm doing, or where I'm going."

Geddy claps a hand on his shoulder. "Then you're in pretty good company here."

They manage to fit the bike into the trunk of the Mercedes by putting the back seat down, which means Geddy has to squeeze himself between the passenger seat and the back. Alex sits shotgun, which Geddy thinks is entirely unfair, but Alex argued that he's too fat to fit in such a small space, so Geddy endures this indignity.

"Don't you dare push the seat back," Geddy warns Alex as they're heading down the road again.

"I make no promises."

Neil finds a repair shop in the nearest town and learns the bike will take about two hours to fix. "Why don't we get lunch?" he suggests when they're back in the car. "It's the least I can do in exchange for your help."

"Oh, you don't have to do that," Alex says, and Geddy lightly socks him in the arm.

"I thought you were hungry."

"Well, yeah, but I feel weird having people pay for me."

"Sometimes the nicest thing you can do for someone is to allow them to do something for you," Neil points out.

Geddy lifts an eyebrow at Alex. "See? This guy knows what he's talking about."

"Wait, by that logic haven't you already fulfilled your 'duty' by letting us help you with the bike?" Alex says before Geddy places a hand over his mouth to shut him up.

"We'd be honored," he says to Neil with a pained smile.

If their bickering and bantering has made Neil uncomfortable, Neil returns the sentiment in spades when, over a light lunch of burgers and fries, he asks, "So, how long have you two been together?"

Geddy sputters and chokes on his beer, because, holy shit, whatever they've said or done here has given this total stranger reason to believe they're dating. Neil thinks they're a couple. Holy fucking shit.

Geddy risks a glance at Alex, who's probably as red as Geddy feels. "Um, oh, no, no, we're, um, we're just friends," Geddy manages to say, because his tongue feels like rubber in his mouth.

"That's not what you said last night," Alex teases, and apparently it's possible for Geddy to reach a level ten emergency stage of blushing, because his blood feels like lava beneath his skin.

"Oh my God, you're so embarrassing. I can't take you anywhere."

"What, I'm not good enough for you, Ged?" Alex jokes, elbowing him in the side.

Geddy's not sure how to answer that without revealing too much, but, thankfully, he doesn't have to, because Neil says, "Oh, shit, I'm sorry. I just assumed..."

"Don't worry about it," Geddy says dryly. "We get that a lot."

"Gee, I wonder why, Mr. Quarter-Gay-Looking," Alex says.

"Shut up, Lord of the Onion Rings," Geddy snipes before stealing a handful from Alex's plate.

Neil's probably regretting ever getting into a car with them, but there's a hint of amusement at the corner of his mouth, and it's the closest thing to a smile he's worn all day, so as long as their buffoonery is going toward a good cause Geddy's not going to feel too embarrassed about it.

He is, however, going to steer the conversation in Neil's direction, because the more he flirts with Alex the more this unspoken thing between them grows, and it's getting harder and harder to ignore his own confused jumble of emotions. "So, Neil, do you live around here?"

Neil shakes his head. "No."

"Where're you from?"

"Quebec."

It's like pulling teeth getting this guy to talk. "How long have you been on the road?"

"About two weeks."

So maybe Neil doesn't want to talk about the trip. Okay, there are plenty of other topics they can talk about. "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm an author. At least, I used to be. I used to be a lot of things."

Geddy wishes he had saved that joint for this guy, because Neil could really afford to loosen the fuck up. "There must be something we can talk about. I've struck out so far, so why don't you give it a shot?"

"I'd rather listen," Neil says with a tight smile, as though mimicking something he's seen but never really understood.

Alex blinks, his mouth half-full. "Really? Okay, it's your funeral, dude. We talk a lot."

The hurt in Neil's eyes is instantaneous, and, oh God, Alex has unwittingly stumbled across some raw territory here. Underneath the table, Geddy stomps his foot on top of Alex's own. "Ow, that's my foot!"

Geddy doesn't get the chance to apologize on Alex's behalf, because Neil's pushing his chair back and getting to his feet, moving toward the back of the diner. Geddy's pretty sure Neil's not just abandoning them, because his jacket's still hanging over the back of the chair. Also, he just ducked inside the men's room.

Geddy still thinks this needs to be addressed. "People don't drive aimlessly across the country because their lives are going great."

Alex's carefree stoner smile collapses. "Oh, shit! I hope he's not mad."

"I think he can tell by now that you're kind of an idiot," Geddy says, patting him on the back.

"Hey, I'm high," Alex protests. "I have an excuse."

Geddy smiles and says, "There's no excuse for you."

When Neil gets back to the table, Alex says, "So, um, hey, we're not really sure where we're going either, so if you want you can tag along with us. We can be road buddies—Shut up, Ged, it's a thing!"

"I didn't say a word!"

"You rolled your eyes, just like you're doing right now—Stop it, I'm trying to be nice!"

From across the table, Neil makes a noise that sounds like a chuckle, or he might be trying to dislodge something stuck in his throat. "Well, you two certainly give me a lot to listen to."

"So you'll come with us?" Alex wonders. "'Cause that sounds kinda sarcastic, and I can't tell if you're joking."

Neil attempts a small smile. "I'll stick around."

* * *

_**July 1989** _

Geddy had dreaded this dinner for weeks, the bleak event of his birthday looming in wait, because his mother always managed to make each annual dinner worse through a well-intentioned ambush by inviting old friends or relatives he hadn't seen in years. Geddy could never fault her for it, but it always irritated him and occasionally sent him theatrically storming out of the house in a huff.

This year, Mom invited Darth Allan, which came as a total surprise when she opened the door and Geddy saw his brother on the living room couch. "Geddy, darling." Mom kissed his cheek and hugged him tightly, but all Geddy could focus on was that smarmy, douchey older brother smirking and looking happy to see him.

"Hey, you managed to find a date!" Allan said, referring to John, who insisted on coming along after allowing Geddy to dissuade him the last few years.

"And this must be John," Mom said, taking his face in her hands and appraising him. Geddy could see the fight-or-flight debate played out in John's nervous expression. "It's so good to meet you!"

John just smiled and said, "Y—yeah, you too."

Inside, the house was filled with the smells of Geddy's childhood, and being here now made him feel like he died years ago. Allan slapped John on the back and said, "So, John, how long have you and Geddy been together?"

John made his thinking face, which was nowhere near as cute as Alex's. "Um, about three years, I think?"

Allan blinked, his eyes going wide. "Three years, huh? That's a long time." He looked at Geddy for an explanation. "How come you never told me, Ged?"

Even John looked at him with obvious interest in his answer.

"It just never came up," Geddy said. "We only see each other a few times a year."

"You could pick up a phone every once in a while," Allan said in that fucking cordial tone, as though smiling and sounding cheery could ever disguise the passive-aggressive foundation of his words.

"Now, boys, let's keep it civil," Mom said, nervously anticipating an explosion. "Why don't we all sit down, and John can tell us a little about himself."

At the table, Geddy is seated next to John, while across from him sit Mom and Allan, which Geddy shouldn't internalize as proof of Mom having a favorite, but he has never been very rational when it comes to the subject of his mother's love. Since Dad passed away when Geddy was young, Mom's love and approval was all he had.

Mom distributed the bread and wine, which tasted like cough syrup, and then the soup. "Geddy," she started, and he braced himself for the worst. "John seems like such a nice young man. Why am I just now meeting him?"

"Well, I didn't want you to scare him off," Geddy said with a tiny laugh. He felt the urge to reach for John's hand underneath the table, so he did, earning himself a baffled yet appreciative look from John.

"Nonsense," Mom scoffed. "John, am I scaring you off?"

"No ma'am," John said with a grin. "Not a bit."

"See, Geddy, you have nothing to worry about," Mom assured him. "Now, John, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a psychologist. I have an office downtown."

"Is that where you met Geddy?" Allan teased before downing a gulp of wine. Geddy flashed him a look sharp enough for a circumcision.

"No, actually," Geddy cut in, glaring at his brother, "we met at a bar."

"Oh, lighten up, Ged," Allan said. "I'm just messing with you." If he were closer, he'd probably have reached over and ruffled Geddy's hair. "You guys planning on settling down and having kids?"

Geddy immediately reached for the wine, and John said, "Well, we've been living together for two years, so who knows? Maybe." He looked at Geddy with youthful affection and squeezed his hand. "What do you think?"

"Yeah, maybe," Geddy heard himself say, an awkward smile tugging at his mouth. "We'll see what happens."

Dinner went on, and Allan talked about his picture-perfect family, and Geddy drank steadily as John listened and laughed to Mom's embarrassing childhood stories about her most awkward son. While Mom and Allan retreated to the kitchen to clear the dishes and fetch dessert, Geddy and John finally had a moment alone. "Will you fake being sick so we can leave already?" Geddy pleaded, giving him an irresistible begging face, because John tended to fall for those. "This is the worst."

John chuckled, his mouth curled into a pouty sort of smile. "It's just dinner with the family. I like your mom. She's nice."

"It's not her I'm worried about anymore."

John glanced into the kitchen. "Your brother? What's wrong with him?"

"Aside from being a raging douchebag?"

"Have you ever considered the possibility that you might, in fact, be a bit of a tight-ass?"

"You would know."

John huffed a laugh and lightly hit Geddy's chest. "Be serious. Allan seems perfectly nice to me."

"Yeah, to _you_."

"I think you're a bit insecure about where you are in life, so you see your brother's cordiality as an attack."

Geddy frowned at him. "Don't do that. I'm not one of your patients."

"Hey, people pay good money for that kind of breakthrough, but here I am giving it to you for free."

"That's not the only thing you give me for free."

"Trust me, it's not free," John shot back before stealing a kiss.

Once dessert was served, Allan commandeered the conversation once again. "I can't believe you never told me about this guy," he said to Geddy, indicating John with his fork. "He's great."

"Yeah, he's something, alright," Geddy said, because he spent the last three years trying to figure out just what exactly John was to him.

"Here you are meeting a great guy and moving in together, and I'm feeling a bit left out."

"Y'know, not everything has to be about you," Geddy snapped. "God forbid anyone go ten minutes without paying attention to Allan."

"Geddy," Mom scolded absently. Then she turned to her favorite son. "Allan, this is your brother's time. Don't rain on his parade."

John took Geddy's hand underneath the table. "Go easy on him," he murmured. "I'm sure he means well."

There were plenty of words Geddy would have liked to say to Allan here, but he didn't want to make things even more awkward for John, who truly had no idea what he signed up for when he insisted on coming along tonight, so Geddy just nodded, subservient, and seethed in silence.


	4. Sweet Miracle

Now a trio of sad, emotionally fragile men, they head toward Thunder Bay the next afternoon. Neil follows the Mercedes on his newly-repaired motorcycle, while Geddy and Alex zoom down the highway, singing along with the radio at the top of their lungs. Occasionally, Geddy notices when Alex bows out, unfamiliar with the song, and just listens to him. It makes him self-conscious, because he's no singer, his voice too wild and untrained, but Alex doesn't seem to mind. Then another song will come on, and they're off again, harmonizing in all the right spots. Their chemistry is perfect, and Geddy wonders if that sublime telepathy might carry over to other things.

When the commercials start, Alex flips in a CD from Geddy's collection. Their musical tastes have always coincided, a Venn diagram with a huge intersection. Alex glances over his shoulder to peer at Neil riding behind them. "He probably thinks we're the world's biggest dorks."

"If we are, what's that make him? He wanted to come along with us," Geddy points out.

"What'd'you think his problem is?"

"It's not really my place to say. Either he'll tell us or he won't."

"You're really good at giving answers and yet not actually saying anything."

"I know. It drove John nuts."

"I'm not too crazy about it either."

"He said I was evasive, among other things."

"'Swhat you get for dating a shrink," Alex says, absentmindedly sloshing the ice around in his soda cup before taking a sip. "I'm still surprised you guys lasted so long."

"It wasn't all bad," Geddy says, because he remembers the good times too. But during the last two years of their relationship, Geddy found himself pitying him. John was a smart guy, so on some level, he had to know that this thing with Geddy was never going to work.

Alex looks over at Geddy. His eyes are startlingly blue. "Do you miss him?"

"Sometimes. I'm not sure if I miss him or just what we had."

"I know that feeling," Alex says with a sad smile playing across his lips.

The Sleeping Giant looms on the horizon as they make their way into the city. Thunder Bay's visitor attractions are mostly scenic in nature, and Neil sees fit on dragging Alex and Geddy along to each one. Okay, he doesn't _drag_ them, but Geddy's reluctant to leave the guy alone for too long, so he feels sort of obligated to keep an eye on him. If Geddy and Alex gripe too much while wandering the nature trails, Neil doesn't comment on it.

When evening arrives, they settle in at the marina while the sun sets over Lake Superior. Neil is birdwatching through a pair of binoculars, observing a group of seagulls diving into the water to snatch a fish. Geddy and Alex are sitting on the hood of the Mercedes, gazing at the pink crayon slashes coloring the sky.

"So if a bird that flies over the sea is called a seagull," Alex posits, "what do you call a bird that flies over the bay?"

Geddy's not falling for that one. "Fuck you," he laughs.

Alex makes a buzzing sound. "Sorry, that's not the answer we were looking for," he says in his best game show host voice. "But you're not leaving empty-handed. You've won a copy of our home game! Thanks for playing, and good night!"

"Did your mother drink when she was pregnant with you?"

Alex grins. "Nope. I was a fertility drug baby."

"The missing piece of the puzzle," Geddy says, like that was just about what he expected.

"You know, seagulls generally mate for life," Neil says.

_Oh boy._

"Most gulls breed about once a year, and their breeding season lasts about three to five months."

"Jeez, even birds get laid more than I do," Alex whines.

"Yeah, but they also explode if they eat rice, so I think it evens out," Geddy says.

Neil frowns. "If that were true, there would be birds exploding like flying land mines all over the world."

"Why do you know so much about seagulls?" Alex asks.

Neil shrugs simply and says, "I like birds."

"So did Norman Bates."

Geddy is momentarily distracted by Alex's legs. Alex is wearing shorts today, and Geddy is smitten and undersexed, so just looking at the lines and curves of those calves is enough to get him going. Hypnotized, Geddy thinks about pushing Alex's legs apart in bed, sliding his hands over his skin, and he's so caught up in these fantasies that the sound of Neil saying his name snags him back into reality like a fish hook. "Geddy?"

"What?" Geddy yelps, startled.

"What do you want to do for dinner? Chinese? Italian? Something else?"

"It's up to you two, I guess."

"Alex has already deferred to me, so I'll choose," Neil says, packing away the binoculars in one of the bulging luggage sacks strapped to his bike.

Alex slides off the hood of the car. "Wait for me! I gotta get rid of this Big Gulp."

"Do you seriously think I'll drive off without you?"

"You joked about it," Alex shoots back, and, yeah, Geddy did say that, albeit under totally different circumstances.

"I promise I won't leave you here."

Satisfied, Alex heads in the opposite direction towards the restrooms, and now it's just Geddy and Neil and the slightly awkward silence between them, punctuated by the crisp noise of the lake and the squawks of seagulls. Geddy never knows what to say to Neil, and now that his conversation partner is gone, he can't fill the silence with inane banter to give Neil something to listen to. Neil isn't much of a talker, so Geddy will have to get this ball rolling.

"So what else do you like? Besides birds," Geddy says after a minute.

"I'm not sure. It's been a long time since I've liked anything."

"What happened to you? What's your story?"

Neil just shakes his head. "You first."

"No way. I'll tell you mine, then you'll come out with something much worse and infinitely tragic and make me look like a self-absorbed prick."

"That's probably gonna happen either way," Neil says, and, holy shit, is that a smile? It's definitely the start of one, something sad and a little off, maybe a smirk. He sits in the vacant space beside Geddy on the hood of the car, a silent assurance that he will listen if Geddy wants to talk.

Geddy stares at the shimmering lake for a moment, gathering his words and his courage. "I'm in love with Alex." And there it is, his deepest secret, spoken aloud for the first time and to someone he barely knows. "I've been in love with him since the day I met him, and it's fucked me up like you wouldn't believe. I've spent the last twenty-two years comparing him to every guy I date, and I've never been happy with anyone else. If I thought he'd say yes I'd ask him out right now, but I can't risk losing the best friend I've ever had. That's how it's been for over twenty years, and life's just moving ahead without me. I'm almost fifty and I'm still no closer to having a family than I was when I was twenty."

Neil lifts an eyebrow. "Let me tell you something. I know you feel like you're in a bad place right now, but I would give anything to be in your shoes. You think you have all the time in the world, but you don't, and I wish someone could have shown up and pointed that out to me. Whatever you feel for Alex, you should tell him. You never know what might happen tomorrow, and in my experience people regret the things they didn't say more than those they did."

Geddy considers that from every angle. He's fairly sure Alex isn't attracted to men—as Alex's gay best friend, Geddy would be the first person to know about that—but it's not like he's uncomfortable with Geddy's sexuality, so maybe it wouldn't be a big deal. He must have considered the possibility of Geddy being attracted to him when they first met, because Alex was young and slim and beautiful then, and now he's older and wider and still beautiful, but the aftermath of the divorce has probably left him with little confidence in his appearance.

Geddy nods and says, "Thanks, Neil. I'll think about that."

"Don't think. Do."

"It's your turn, Mr. Fortune Cookie." Neil shakes his head. "Oh, c'mon, you promised!"

"I didn't promise anything. All I did was suggest you talk first."

Geddy scowls at him, attempting to intimidate Neil into submission. This is a tactic that apparently only works on Alex, because Neil is unmoved.

Alex's voice sounds from behind them and startles Geddy so much he flails and nearly falls off the hood of the car. "Dibs on the motorcycle!"

"Any part of you that touches my bike you're not getting back," Neil warns, rising from the car.

"Lerxst, _don't_ ," Geddy says, because he knows Alex is going to attempt something stupid here.

Alex, however, gives up pretty easily. "Alright, alright. He can have the bike. For now."

Neil leads them down the lamp-lit streets in search of a restaurant that fulfills his mystery criteria, and throughout the ride Alex is suspiciously silent, content to gaze out the window and watch the town roll by. "You're awfully quiet. Everything okay over there?" Geddy asks.

Alex glances over at him, and there's a small smile on his lips that doesn't seem forced or fake. "Yeah, I'm just thinking."

"About?"

"I'll tell you after dinner."

Geddy's intrigued, but there's nothing he can do except wait it out.

"Y'know, I'm setting a goal to make Neil laugh at least once," Alex says. "A real laugh, none of that half-smiling crap."

"You think you can do that?"

"I make you laugh all the time."

"Neil's a lot more sullen and grumpy than I am."

"He kinda likes us, which makes me think he's got a sense of humor buried deep down somewhere. I'll crack him eventually."

There's a decent hotel just across the street from a bevy of eateries, so they check in first to deposit their luggage and freshen up before dinner, and Geddy throws on a flannel over his t-shirt to combat the autumn night chill. They learn more about Neil over plates of noodles and rice, including the fact that he's the type of person who uses chopsticks while eating Chinese food. He does so with a practiced edge, as though this is something he does all the time and not solely to impress his dinner guests. Alex studies Neil like he's performing a magic trick.

"So, Neil," Geddy starts, because now he knows Neil is capable of speaking in actual paragraphs, so coaxing him into a conversation might actually bear fruit. "What's the story behind the motorcycle? Most people prefer cars."

Neil shrugs and twirls some noodles around the chopsticks. "I've always enjoyed bicycling, but sometimes it's not the most effective way to get around."

"Do you travel a lot?"

"I used to."

"You know you're traveling now, right?" Alex says.

Neil does that half-smiling thing and huffs. Geddy is learning that Neil doesn't really laugh, but he does make a noise at times when the fitting reaction would be laughter.

"What places have you been?"

Neil speaks slowly and carefully, as though he only gets a certain amount of words a day and doesn't want to squander any. "England. China. Africa. The US. Hong Kong. All over, really."

This is good, Geddy thinks. They're finally getting somewhere with Neil. "Do you write about the places you've been?"

Neil's brow creases, and he looks surprised that Geddy is unaware of his work. "Of course. Traveling fuels the fire to write. There's inspiration all over if you're willing to look."

"Do you write novels, or are you more of a non-fiction kind of guy?" Alex wonders, and it seems to dawns on Neil that these people have no idea who he is or what he does.

"I've done both. I started out writing memoirs about my travels, because I felt like I could be at my most sincere about something I actually experienced. Writing a novel was really an experiment, and I'm glad I did it. I don't think it's particularly impressive as a book, but it pleases me to have gone somewhere new and accomplished something different." Neil looks at Alex. "Do you read a lot?"

Alex deflects that question, possibly not wanting to seem like an idiot in front of someone who commandeers words for a living. "Geddy does."

"Um, yeah, sometimes. I have lots of hobbies. By the way, what did you say your last name was?"

"I didn't."

"That was my subtle way of asking for it."

"You might want to look up the word 'subtle.' It's Peart, though."

Geddy wonders if Neil is the type of author who gets seriously offended when people don't know who they are. "I can't say I've ever read any of your work."

Neil stops eating for a moment to fix Geddy with a curious stare. "Really? So you didn't invite me along because you knew who I was?" The past tense there feels important somehow.

Geddy shakes his head. "No, I just thought you could use the company."

It's then that Neil breaks his dark, dour character and actually _laughs_. It's a silent sort of laugh, his shoulders shaking in his leather jacket, but Geddy's still counting it.

Alex scowls at Geddy. "You bastard!" he chuckles, tossing a wadded-up napkin at him. "You made him laugh before I did!"

"If it makes you feel any better," Neil says, "I'm kind of laughing at your expense."

Geddy's considered that possibility. "It still counts."

"No, it doesn't," Alex argues. "Making a joke at our expense is low-hanging fruit."

"Do you have any idea how gross that phrase sounds?"

"That's why I said it."

Geddy rolls his eyes with a small, fond smile. "Is it tiring at all behaving the way you do?"

"Sometimes," Alex says, giving Geddy a winning smile he can't help but be charmed by. Geddy blushes under the intensity of Alex's gaze, and in his peripheral vision he catches Neil scowling at him.

"So, Alex," Neil begins, and Geddy hears the tension in his voice. "Geddy's already told me about his own _distressing problem_ "—Geddy doesn't appreciate the condescension there—"but what about you? Why'd you come with him?"

"Well, the trip was actually Geddy's idea. I was depressed about my divorce, so he sort of kidnapped me and just started driving."

The angles in Neil's face seem to get harder and more severe. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear about your marriage." His words come out as though he's spitting up glass.

"Thanks, but I think I'm gonna be okay." Alex's smile is aimed entirely at Geddy. "I've had a lot of time to think and come to terms with what happened. I loved Charlene, but maybe we weren't right for each other. Maybe these things happen for a reason."

That's a disturbingly healthy outlook, Geddy thinks, but he's glad to hear Alex developing a positive attitude about the shit hand life's dealt him here.

Neil, however, is having none of it. He drops two bills onto the table and pushes away. "I think I'm done with this," he says in a tone that makes it clear he's not talking about the stir fry.

"What do you mean?"

"What part of that sentence are you having trouble with? I've had it with you two. I'm out of here."

"Did I say something wrong?"

Neil fixes him with a stern glare. "You idiots have no fucking idea how good your lives are. People can literally drop off the face of the earth. Did you know that? You can say goodbye to them and an hour later—poof. You'll never see them again or hug them or yell at them or share a pizza with them or tell them you love them. Nothing. But you"—he looks at Geddy—"have squandered your life on something that isn't even a _problem_ , while you"—back to Alex—"let your marriage fall apart, and you have the gall to suggest there's some sort of guiding hand in the awful things that happen to us?" Neil shakes his head in disgust and stands up. "I'm done with you both. Have a nice life. Oh wait, you already do."

Geddy and Alex stare at Neil as he leaves, stunned by his verbal tirade and wondering what the fuck just happened. On some level, Geddy knows he should go after the guy and offer some semblance of apology, but he's just left sitting there, blinking at the spot where Neil had been seconds ago.

"Fuck," Alex exhales, slumping in his seat. "I did it again. I pissed him off."

"I think it was a joint effort."

Alex moves to stand up. "Should I try to talk to him?"

Geddy shakes his head. "He might need some alone time. He's been around us all day."

"Oh God," Alex moans. "Poor Neil." He stares forlornly at his own nearly-empty plate before reaching over and nabbing Neil's abandoned bowl for himself. At Geddy's look of disbelief, he says, "What? It's not like he's coming back for it."

Geddy can't help but feel like an asshole for inadvertently tripping one of Neil's emotional land mines, though, and the harsh words have cast a significant shadow over him. Alex seems in disproportionately good spirits, which, considering he was the one who set Neil off, is a bit puzzling.

After dinner, they walk across the street to the hotel. Their room is right next door to Neil's, and while Alex is fumbling with the room key Geddy says, "Maybe I should knock, see if he's okay."

"You're probably right about him needing some time away from us. We're best in small doses," Alex says with a chuckle as he opens the door. The interior of the room is a tacky sort of upscale, with deep red and gold colors and decorative wood paneling alongside fake flowers and floor-to-ceiling mirrors covered in appliqué stars. They head inside, and Geddy sheds his flannel over a red velvet armchair near one of the beds.

"How come you're in such a good mood? Neil really slammed us. Well, mostly you," Geddy says.

"I heard what you said to him earlier, about being in love with me. There is very little that could spoil my mood right now."

A chill expands through Geddy's stomach, as though a cold hand has grabbed his insides. "Oh my God, you heard that?" he manages to say in an impossibly tiny voice. "Look, don't—Just forget it, alright? You weren't s'posed to hear that, and I promise I won't let it get in the way of our friendship—"

"Were you ever gonna tell me?" Alex wonders, looking hurt.

Geddy opens his mouth, closes it. "Yeah. Maybe. I dunno. I was thinking about it, but you just got divorced and I didn't wanna seem opportunistic, y'know, like I was taking advantage of your vulnerability." Even though that's almost exactly what he was doing by way of this trip. He hoped that by helping him through the aftermath of the divorce, Alex would see how much Geddy loves him and come to love Geddy the same way.

"So, never?"

"Yeah, probably." Geddy chuckles a sad sound. "You don't have to say anything. It's better if you don't. We can just pretend this never happened." He's trying to ward off Alex's inevitable 'let's just be friends' speech, because at age forty-nine that's an entirely new level of pathetic.

Alex looks at him in faint horror. "What? No! Ged, I'm crazy about you!" he says, so sincere that Geddy wants to believe him, but this has to be a joke, right? How could Alex feel this way about him?

"Are you... Really?"

Alex squeaks out a nervous laugh. "You couldn't tell?"

Geddy's trying to adjust to this new reality where Alex is capable of returning his feelings. He's had plenty of fantasies about them as a couple, but those dreams have always taken place in an alternate reality where Alex was never married.

Alex is still looking at him, and whatever expression Geddy's wearing must not be a good sign, because he sort of deflates a little, his smile wavering. "Ged, you wanna say something here?"

"I'm sorry, I just—I never dreamed up a version of this where you say yes," Geddy admits, and, Christ, that sounds just as stupid as he thought it would. "So I'm not really sure what to do next."

Alex takes the initiative and moves in, then his palm is hot against Geddy's cheek and his mouth is even hotter, and, holy fuck, Alex is actually kissing him. Geddy has imagined this a million different ways, but none of it compares to the reality of being kissed by the man he's loved for over twenty years. He wants to reach up and tangle his fingers in Alex's hair, wants to touch him everywhere at once, but his arms have decided to hang limp at his sides instead, and Geddy can't seem to move them.

Alex's mouth is raspy and warm, the bristles of his goatee scratching Geddy's skin in all the right ways and just... yes. Fuck yes. Geddy shivers and whimpers a pathetic noise of want into Alex's mouth. He isn't sure how long the kiss lasts, but eventually Alex pulls away, studying his face with a goofy grin plastered on his perfect mouth.

"I always wondered what that'd be like," Alex says, breathless.

"What, kissing a guy?"

"Kissing you."

It takes Geddy a moment to remember how to make words. "Well, how was it?"

"I dunno, my heart was beating too fast. Can I try again?"

If this is really happening, then Geddy ought to take advantage of it. His arms seem to be working now, so he pulls Alex closer, then their mouths are together again. Alex tastes amazing, just as Geddy imagined he would, so Geddy spends a good deal of time kissing and licking before attempting to move him in the direction of a bed. He doesn't think Alex will be receptive to any sexual overtures yet, and that's okay, because Geddy has waited over two decades for this, so he can wait a few days or weeks until Alex is ready. But right now Geddy just wants to lie with him and kiss him into numbness.

Alex goes willingly, folding down backwards to the gold duvet, and Geddy falls with him. Alex's fingers are tangled in Geddy's hair, knees up along the sides of Geddy's thighs. One of Geddy's knees is lodged in the space between Alex's legs, and Alex pushes into it so Geddy can feel the hardness of him against his thigh. Geddy chokes on a noise in his throat while Alex's tongue explores his mouth. He can't remember the last time he's been kissed like this, enthusiastic and eager and filled with want.

Alex's hands grow more adventurous, pushing underneath Geddy's t-shirt, fingers urgently pressing and stroking over his lower back. He hums into Geddy's mouth, and he's bafflingly hard, because Geddy feels the swell of his dick every time Alex ruts forward into his thigh. Oh God, is Alex actually into this? Because Geddy's feeling some rather hard evidence that he is, and, wow, that's really fucking incredible.

Alex breaks away from Geddy's mouth to focus on the slope of his neck, sucking kisses into the skin, and Geddy shakes out a shallow breath near Alex's ear, and that must do something for him because he hums against Geddy's throat and digs his fingers into his back, like he's going to fall apart if he doesn't hold on to something. "I'm goin' out of my mind here, Ged, would you just touch me, please?" Alex says breathlessly as he shoves into Geddy's thigh.

Geddy would love nothing more than to do just that, but he has a gut feeling that sexual contact at this juncture might do more harm than good. They've only just created this thing between them, whatever it is, and releasing these yearnings in one hot, explosive torrent could be disastrous. "Maybe we should slow down," Geddy hears himself say. He sits up on the bed, with Alex flopped underneath him.

"What? Why? Didn't you hear what Neil said? One of us could die overnight." Alex throws his hands out. "Look at me. I'm a heart attack waiting to happen."

Geddy chuckles, rolling his eyes and smacking Alex's knee half-heartedly. "I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone, but I think we should wait. Just a little while."

Alex sighs a long, whiny noise. "You're killin' me. Literally killing me. I'm dying inside."

"I'm sure you can _handle_ it," Geddy says with particular emphasis.

"Yeah, seems like I'm gonna have to. You wanna watch?"

Geddy sucks in a breath, trying his hardest not to imagine that, because he's certainly thought about it a number of times. "I want to, but—get your hand away from there!—but this is really overwhelming, and I just—I'd feel a lot better about this—about _us_ —if we didn't rush into anything. This isn't something you have to take advantage of now because you don't think you'll get another chance, y'know?"

Alex opens his mouth to say something, but he seems to understand that this clearly isn't going further. "I get it. It's okay. We don't have to—We can still kiss, right? That part's still on the table?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Great. Could you, uh, hold on for a sec? I gotta..." Alex says with a shy smile, then he's sliding off of the bed and slipping into the bathroom, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out what he's doing in there.

Geddy sighs, slumps onto the bed and gets his hand down his jeans, because it's not like he's the only one doing it right now.


	5. Nocturne

Alex is a cuddler, which Geddy discovers the next morning when he wakes up and Alex is still clinging to him, his face buried in Geddy's hair. It's kind of dark outside, but there's enough illumination from the lazily rising sun to keep the room in passable light. Geddy is turned on his side, so he can't see Alex, but he can feel the heat of his breath and the impressive morning erection pressed against his ass.

Geddy expected to discover last night's confessions and kissing were just an elaborate dream, a pathetic fantasy created by his desperate brain. But Alex is warm and real against him, and Geddy is afraid to even breathe because it might disrupt this perfect, translucent moment where nothing else exists but their intimacy.

Geddy has wanted this for so long he isn't sure what to do now that he's gotten it. He fears the wrong move will shatter the tenuous something-else they've built here, and they'll go back to their separate orbits, and there's nothing worse than being just friends after a tiny taste of what could have been.

Alex shifts in his sleep, his hand sliding over Geddy's stomach, and, holy shit, Geddy was so focused on the erection that he didn't even notice the way Alex's hand is pushed underneath the front of his shirt. This could go somewhere exhilarating and terrifying, but after Geddy's neurotic postponement last night Alex probably won't try his luck here. Also, it's possible Alex is still asleep and entirely unaware of what his body's doing.

"Lerxst?" Geddy whispers, earning a sleepy grunt of acknowledgment from Alex. "You're awake?"

"Mhmm."

So Alex is absolutely aware that he's essentially fondling Geddy and has zero shame about that boner. Alright then. Geddy's having a bit of trouble wrapping his brain around this new reality where Alex spoons with him and doesn't think twice about introducing him to his morning erection.

The clock on the nightstand tells Geddy it's a little past seven in the morning, which explains why his eyes are burning with fatigue. No one should ever be awake this early. "Go back to sleep," Geddy murmurs, his eyelids lulled shut by the soft, subtle movements of Alex's fingers over his skin.

Alex breathes laughter into Geddy's hair. "Good morning to you, too."

Geddy's just about to doze off when someone starts knocking on the door to their room. "Are you shitting me?" he grumbles into the pillow. "In what universe does room service show up this early?"

Alex chuckles and holds him tighter. "Maybe Neil put in for a wake-up call to fuck with us. Just ignore 'em," he says, which results in another round of soft knocking.

Geddy flops out from underneath the warm blankets and staggers to the door. "Something better be on fire." He throws open the door and is startled to see Neil standing there looking exhausted and unhappy. "Oh."

Neil offers a weak half-smile, but clearly his facial muscles aren't used to the effort. "I wanted to apologize for last night. I shouldn't have intruded on your personal lives. What the two of you do or don't do is none of my business. I took my own issues out on you both, and I'm sorry."

It takes Geddy a moment to figure out how to respond. "Oh... Well, thanks, I guess. Apology accepted."

Neil glances past Geddy at Alex, who's still lying in the bed. "Looks like you took my advice."

"I thought it wasn't any of your business what we do." At Neil's chagrined expression, Geddy smiles and says, "I'm joking. Yeah, we did. Thanks."

Neil looks sheepish yet pleased that his outburst wasn't as disastrous as he thought. "Tell Alex I said goodbye, will you?"

"Wait, you're leaving? C'mon, you don't have to run off. We like your company. We get that you're going through some shit right now, but if you wanna stay with us you're more than welcome to. Sometimes it helps not to go through things alone, y'know?"

Neil gives this some thought, and Geddy must have said something good there, because Neil nods slowly and says, "The breakfast buffet is open until ten."

Geddy thinks Alex might be interested in that. "Lerxst?"

But Alex mumbles, "No food. Sleep," into the pillow.

"My God, who are you and what have you done with Alex?"

Neil's smile is small and tight. "Let me know when you're ready to hit the road," he says before heading to his own room next door.

The next few hours are a sleepy blur of warm hands and Alex's breath over the back of Geddy's neck. This whole arrangement should be awkward as fuck—sharing a bed, cuddling each other, the insistent press of Alex's cock against Geddy's ass—but it feels entirely natural. The next time Geddy wakes up, the room is filled with filtered, dusty sunlight. Alex's arm drags off of Geddy, and his stomach makes a noise demanding food. Alex laughs to himself, and the sound is infectious, never failing to make Geddy laugh, too.

"You think the buffet's closed?" Alex wonders.

Geddy looks at the bedside clock. "Probably."

"Damn. Oh well, it was worth it."

* * *

They're back on the road an hour later, after Neil graciously supplies them with muffins and coffee for breakfast. Neil has volunteered to pioneer their journey to Winnipeg, which means Geddy will be stuck following the motorcycle for about eight hours. There isn't much to look at on this particularly long stretch of the Trans-Canada Highway, so Geddy quickly finds his mind wandering to last night's events. Aside from the making out and the groping—which he still finds hard to believe even happened—Alex admitted to having feelings for Geddy. When did that start? Did this trip unearth something inside of Alex, or has he been sitting on these not-quite-platonic yearnings for longer than they've been on the road? Has it been weeks? Months? _Years_?

Geddy can ask that, right? They've kissed and slept in the same bed and cuddled together—asking about Alex's already confessed feelings is probably a safe topic by this point. "Since you already know the embarrassing length of time I've liked you as more than a friend... What about you? When did you, y'know, start seeing me that way?"

Alex shifts in the passenger seat, mindlessly tapping the backs of his knuckles against the window. "I dunno, I guess... When you moved away, the problems Charlene and I were having got worse. I couldn't get used to you not being there anymore, and maybe that's what it took to..." He sighs, starts over. "She pointed out once that the only time she saw me smile all day was when you called from LA. That was when she started thinking maybe I was—we were... And I guess hearing her say it out loud made me realize the way I felt about you wasn't strictly platonic."

Geddy wants to say something here, but he can't find words.

"You wanna hear something funny?" Alex says, but his smile is sad, and Geddy has a feeling whatever he's about to say won't be funny at all. "I was actually gonna tell you. Remember when you were in LA and you called me drunk that one night after one of your bad dates?"

Oh God, Geddy was really hoping Alex forgot about that. "Yeah?"

"You were talking about how unhappy you were living there, and I was gonna tell you to come back because I love you, that if you came back home I'd do whatever it took to make you happy, but before I could say any of that Charlene caught me, all 'who are you talking to in the middle of the night? Do you have some secret girlfriend?' and it felt portentous somehow, like there was a reason she intervened at that particular moment. So I kept my mouth shut." Alex shrugs, staring out the window at the steady scroll of trees and prairieland.

"You said that was gonna be funny," Geddy says after a claustrophobic moment of silence.

Alex huffs a half-hearted laugh. "They can't all be winners." Then he says: "When you moved back, I couldn't remember a time I was that happy with Charlene. And I think that moment had a lot to do with why we divorced. I couldn't pretend it was okay with me that she wasn't you. I drove her away, and the worst part is I think I did it on purpose."

Alex's words make Geddy tremble, and he's whiteknuckling the wheel, nearly itching out of his skin with guilt and unease. "So you got divorced because of me?"

"Well, you disguised as a whole bunch of other reasons."

"That's really fucked up." Geddy has no idea what else to say.

"If it makes you feel any better, it's all hindsight."

"Did you know you could be attracted to guys?"

"I don't know if I am. Maybe you're the only one."

Geddy sighs. "I wish you hadn't wrecked your marriage over me."

"If I hadn't, we wouldn't have had any of that awesome spooning action this morning."

"Did you just use the words 'awesome' and 'spooning' in the same sentence?" Geddy wonders aloud in disbelief.

"Are you doubting my cuddling skills? 'Cause it's a scientific fact that fat people are the best cuddlers. We're like giant pillows."

Geddy snorts a laugh, and they're back to their usual vibe—Alex making stupid jokes and Geddy laughing at him—and it gives him a surge of hope, like maybe last night wasn't a colossal mistake, because their friendship can evolve and grow into something greater.

A little while later, the trio stop for lunch on the outskirts of a small town. They park near a glistening lake and sit on the hood of the car while they eat. It's comfortable and familiar until Neil breaks the silence by saying, "I lost my wife and daughter."

He tells them this with zero preamble, and the tranquil lake seems to grow even quieter, as though the light breeze has stopped blowing simply to emphasize his words.

"Selena died in a car accident two years ago," Neil interjects into the silence, because Geddy and Alex are stricken speechless here. "Then my wife Jackie succumbed to cancer earlier this year. You wanted to know what happened to me." He looks shell-shocked, like he never meant to blurt it out like that. "There it is."

"Jesus..." Alex finally says after a moment. "I had no idea."

Geddy feels like a douchebag, because as unsatisfied as he's been with his life up to this point, it could have been so much worse. He's not even close to being the unluckiest, and neither is Alex. And he had the gall to whine about his crush when Neil was suffering something so much more tragic than unrequited love.

"I think I just needed to tell someone," Neil says softly, staring at the ducks swimming on top of the water. "I've been running from what happened, but maybe talking about it will help me deal with it."

"Whatever you wanna do," Geddy says. "I'm sorry for pushing. I wish you'd've told me to shut the fuck up."

Neil gives him a tiny smirk. "I tried." He watches the ducks for a little while longer, then: "Now that you two are together, maybe you'll stop flirting with each other at dinner."

"Not gonna happen," Alex says with his mouth full.

"Well, it's nice to dream," Neil says.

Geddy's jaw drops in awe. "Did you just make a joke?"

Neil doesn't answer, but there's a curl of a smile at the corners of his lips.

* * *

_**September 2000** _

Ever since Geddy moved to Los Angeles, Allan set him up with countless single men Geddy simply _had_ to meet, closeted friends and work associates he would just love. Allan didn't seem to have much of a criteria other than 'single' and 'likes men,' so Geddy endured countless blind dates that went nowhere and a few that ended after one night's worth of clumsy sexual overtures. These failures never deterred Allan's thorough optimism, and he eventually championed Ray Danniels, a fellow director. According to Allan, Ray went through a divorce one year earlier and decided to expand his pool of potential dates by embracing his bicuriosity.

From the get-go, Geddy liked the arrangement, if only because he felt bad letting down desperate, horny guys who clearly wanted to get him into bed. But a recently-divorced man with no prior experience romancing the same sex certainly wouldn't be groping Geddy under the table or trying to fondle him in a dark theater.

Ray took him to dinner at a quaint little restaurant on Hollywood Boulevard, subverting Geddy's expectations entirely by not trying too hard to impress him. Or maybe it had been that long since Ray dated and he was grievously out of practice. Geddy didn't feel like talking, so he coaxed Ray into talking about himself and his work, and, boy, could Ray talk.

Geddy drank steadily throughout the evening, hoping the alcohol would loosen something inside of him so he could make the best of this, because if life had taught him anything it's that there's no such thing as true love, only the love you yourself make work. Geddy has had plenty of opportunities to kindle a new relationship, but he kept pushing people away because they, unfortunately, were not Alex. On some level, he knew this attitude was unhealthy and self-sabotaging, but you stick with what you know.

Over dinner, they shared conversation and dessert, and Ray was certainly nice enough, but Geddy couldn't shake the horrifying realization that Alex had ruined him for all other men, because he couldn't find it within himself to want anyone else. This, of course, only made Geddy drink more.

"You're, uh, you really like wine, huh?" Ray asked while Geddy polished off his fourth glass of the night.

"Yeah, I'm a bit of a connoisseur. When I retire I'd like to move to France and buy a vineyard, make my own wines."

"Oh, that's interesting!" Ray said, leaning in. "Y'know, I've been talking about myself all night, but I wanna hear more about you. How did you get into wine?"

"Oh, um, a friend of mine used to bring over bottles for me to try out..." _Alex_ , Geddy thought wistfully. "And then I got sort of obsessive and even more passionate about collecting than he did. Most of my wines are back in Toronto in my cellar. I didn't really see the point in bringing them here."

"You don't plan on sticking around, huh?" Ray asked, but there was no bitterness in his voice.

Geddy hadn't planned on talking about this, much less on a first date. "Not really. Of course, plans can change, but I'm a little homesick, I guess."

"Nothing wrong with that. I'm actually from Toronto myself."

"Oh? What made you leave?"

"I wanted to be a director, and the only studios that were really worth anything were centered right here," Ray said with a shrug. "I promised myself if I didn't make it within three years I'd go back home."

Geddy smirked. "But you got lucky."

"In Hollywood, it's all about who you know. You know lots of great, influential people," Ray said, attempting to be inspirational. "Your big break could be right around the corner."

 _It's not a big break I'm looking for_ , Geddy thought, but he put that indescribable longing aside for a moment to focus on the fact that Ray was actually kind of charming and sweet, and maybe Geddy deserved to invest energy and emotion into something that actually gave back.

Later that night, in the parking lot in front of Geddy's apartment, Ray had Geddy pinned across the front seat of his car, their lips crashing against each other while hands roamed underneath shirts. Making out in a car is not nearly as fun as it looks in the movies, but Geddy was excited enough, despite his shoulder being shoved into the passenger side door handle and his neck being cricked against the window. Geddy hadn't been touched like this in a while, so even the relatively chaste kissing and grinding from Ray broke past the boozy barrier of the wine and managed to fog up the car windows.

Caught up in the frantic escalation, Geddy let Ray reach into his jeans and wrap his fingers around his cock, and Ray's touch was exciting and new and electric, and it only took a few quick strokes before Geddy came hot and fast, then Ray grumbled something about the upholstery until his complaints subsided into soft sounds as Geddy returned the favor.

While he jerked Ray to completion, Geddy's heart thrummed a manic beat, and he could hear the syllables of regret there: _Alex, Alex, Alex._ And it struck him as so incredibly unfair that he seemed incapable of enjoying even ten minutes of unburdened pleasure without this ridiculous, one-sided cancer of obsession eating away at his cells and poisoning him from within.

"What's wrong?" Ray asked, sensing that something had changed.

"I don't know," Geddy said, because he didn't.

"Did you... not want to do this?"

"I wanted to. But maybe we shouldn't have."

Ray looked at him for a moment, and Geddy felt scrutinized beneath his gaze. "I'm sorry," he said, tucking himself back into his jeans.

"It's not your fault." Geddy's throat suddenly felt tight.

"Is it me?"

Geddy managed to say, "No." He made himself decent and stared at the darkness outside the window. The car was filled with the soft sounds of their breathing evening out, the silent but palpable sensation of heartbeats slowing.

"You're sure?"

"Yeah, it's not—I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Well, look, I like you, Ged. Maybe rushing into things was a misstep, but I certainly wouldn't mind having dinner with you again sometime."

Geddy nodded slowly. "Yeah, I'll—I'll call you." There was, of course, the underlying contradiction in those three words, the implication that they're spoken only to let someone down easy, and Ray seemed to hear the utter futility of it all, could see the sad certainty on Geddy's face that he wouldn't be calling.

"I hope you do," Ray said, and Geddy felt a pang of regret for being such a selfish asshole. "Have a good night."

"Yeah, you too."

Inside his apartment, Geddy cracked open another bottle of wine and dropped onto the couch. If this was going to be the sad finale of each one of Geddy's dates, he might as well put a stop to any more. The booze toasted his veins, so he didn't see a problem with picking up the phone and dialing Allan's number.

Allan answered on the third ring. "Geddy? How was your date with Ray? I've got a good feeling about him."

Geddy just sighed into the phone.

"Oh shit. What happened, man?"

"I dunno, I just—Don't set me up on any more dates, okay?"

"I don't get it. Did he try to make you do something you didn't want to?"

Geddy shook his head before realizing Allan couldn't see the gesture over the phone. "No, no, he was nice, I just... I'm not ready for this. For dating, for building a relationship and a family. None of it. I'm not—I'm not cut out for it."

Allan made that tight, agitated sigh he always made when Geddy disappointed him. "You're forty-seven years old, Ged. If there's a time for building a family, it's now."

 _IknowIknowIfuckingknow_ , Geddy thought, and nothing infuriated him more than hearing his own bad decisions repeated back to him, all the things he is painfully aware he can never get back, all the ways in which he has failed as a man and, perhaps, a human being. And maybe it was the alcohol dancing like a demon in his blood or the way Allan sounded so goddamn disappointed in him, but some internal dam inside of Geddy broke open.

"This is what you want, isn't it? The obvious shittiness of my life makes you appreciate yours more. You get to lie in bed at night next to your wife and think about how great you have it compared to your fuck-up, loser brother."

"What? Ged, no, that's not—"

"Bullshit. You're always fucking bragging about all the things you have that I don't." Geddy could hear the drunken slur in his own voice, but he powered through. "Like how successful your wife's firm is or how good your kids are at sports or academics. Yeah, Allan, I get it; I don't have anyone. You won. You don't have to rub it in."

"Alright, Ged," Allan started, his voice low, "I have tried to be friends with you, because you're my brother, but I can see now that's never going to happen, because you're stuck so far up your own ass you can't even see me for who I am. I never think those things about you. Whatever rivalry you think there is between us, that's on you. I'm sorry I didn't piss away my life just so you wouldn't feel inadequate, and I'm not helping you anymore if you're gonna repay my kindness by being a huge bag of dicks."

Geddy wanted to match Allan's spiteful words with some of his own, but it took him five glasses of wine and over twenty years' worth of repressed anger to say this much. Instead, he hung up and stared into the bottom of his wineglass, every part of him feeling heavy and dull.

Awareness began to trickle in, and Geddy felt a raw panic in his throat. He needed someone who could soothe the thing in him that needed soothing, someone who would dispel the new, frightening notion that he has been the asshole brother all along.

Geddy didn't give any thought to the time difference, so when Alex answered the phone his sleep-hoarse voice caught Geddy off-guard. "Ged, what the fuck, are you dying? What's goin' on?"

"Shit, I'm sorry, I forgot how late it is there."

Alex dropped his voice to a murmur. "Hold on, let me..." Then Geddy heard shuffling, the faint sound of footsteps, and the next time Alex spoke his voice was clearer, less hushed. "Okay, what's going on, Ged?"

"'M sorry, I shouldn't have woken you up."

"It's okay. I'm really glad to hear your voice," Alex said, and Geddy could hear the smile there. "I hope everything's okay with you."

"Not really," Geddy said, sounding pathetic, and he told Alex about the night's events, omitting, of course, the hairier issue of why exactly his date with Ray came to an abrupt halt. Alex listened patiently, made concerned noises in just the right spots, and Geddy felt somewhat vindicated for calling him.

When Geddy finished talking, Alex said, "Jeez, Ged, you're really unhappy there, aren't you?"

Geddy laughed a sad sound. "Is it obvious?"

"Well, why'd you move there anyway? What was it you wanted?"

 _To throw all my energy into loving someone who isn't you_. "A change of pace, I guess. I thought being someplace different would shake up my life, y'know?"

"Well, you gave it a shot," Alex said, supportively.

"Are you saying I should move back?" Geddy held his breath, his hand going tight around the wineglass stem.

Alex hesitated a moment before answering. "Don't make me responsible for such an important decision."

"You make decisions about your own life, don't you?"

"Yeah, well, I haven't been making very good ones lately," Alex said with a self-deprecating laugh, and Geddy felt there was something behind that, but Alex didn't give him a chance to poke at it. "C'mon, this isn't about me."

Geddy shut his eyes, wishing he could just tell Alex that it absolutely was about him. "Lerxst, please. I'm all alone here. I need a friend, someone to tell me if I'm being crazy or not."

Alex sighed, long and heavy. "If you're not happy, and if there's no pressing reason for you to be there, then maybe you shouldn't be there. I miss you like hell, though..." It sounded as though Alex was going to say more, but Charlene's voice cut him off.

"It's one in the morning!" she hissed. "Who are you talking to—Is that Geddy?" She spoke his name with cloaked scorn, the calibrated disdain reserved for someone her husband absolutely shouldn't be speaking to at one a.m.

"Sorry, Ged, I gotta go. Just—take care of yourself, and call me in the morning, okay?"

Geddy could hear the beginnings of Charlene scolding Alex before the phone mercifully cut off, and he found himself wondering, no, _hoping_ their marriage was dissolving, because if Charlene left Alex, Geddy would have the tiniest chance of taking Alex for himself, and a tiny chance is all he needs, because he has been working off a sliver of hope for the last twenty years.

Stricken with horror at the morbid thought, Geddy polished off the wineglass and drank another until his head grew heavy and slow. Then he stretched out on the couch and promptly fell asleep.

* * *

"So where are we going?" Alex asks. He's sitting in the car, under the gas station's protective awning, while Geddy leans against the Mercedes to fill up the tank.

"We should make it to Winnipeg in about three hours," Geddy says. "I guess Neil will show us around."

"No, I mean _us_. The last thing I want is to be the asshole who overcomplicates things when they're just getting started, but—"

"But you're not gonna let that stop you," Geddy laughs, jamming his gas cap into the nozzle handle to keep the gas flowing. He moves closer to the passenger side window where Alex is affecting him with dopey, pleading eyes.

"I think we should keep going. This trip is the best idea you've ever had. Let's go all the way to Vancouver. That should give us some time to explore whatever's happening with us, then when we get there we can make a decision on where this will go."

"You know you just answered your own question?"

"Fuck off," Alex says with a laugh, lightly swatting at Geddy the best he can from the passenger seat.

Geddy understands what Alex is doing here: giving him time to back out of this arrangement. "You know I'm still gonna want to be with you, no matter how far we drive."

"You don't know that. You might see me naked and say, 'fuck this, I'm out.'"

"I assure you, that's not gonna happen." Geddy's certain seeing Alex naked will kill him, but not for the reasons Alex thinks.

"What if you're used to dudes with huge schlongs and I'm a disappointment?"

Geddy can't help but laugh at that, because, seriously, does Alex really think any of this superficial bullshit is going to change his mind? "You've got this all backwards, Lerxst. You're supposed to brag about how _big_ it is."

"I told you I've been out of the dating game for a long time."

"If you're trying to scare me off, it's not working."

"I'm just warning you, is all," Alex says, his voice strangely soft all of a sudden. "You've been in love with me for so long. What if the reality doesn't live up to the fantasy?"

Geddy never really thought about that before, and he feels a minor spasm in his belly. "I think I've known you long enough to know your faults."

"Faults? Fuck you, I'm perfect," Alex jokes. "But really, there's a whole different set of challenges when you start dating someone. You might like me as a friend but hate me as a boyfriend."

"Doubtful, but I see your point."

"I knew Charlene most of my life and we still couldn't make it work. It's not easy."

The nozzle jumps, indicating a full tank, and Geddy places it back on the pump and screws on the gas cap. "You guys had, what, twenty-plus years together? If we make it that far we'll probably be lucky to remember each other's names."

"God, that's depressing."

"'S'what I do best," Geddy says before climbing back into the Mercedes.

* * *

"So, what happened between you and John anyway?" Alex asks sometime later as they zip across the Ontario-Manitoba province line. "If I remember correctly, you said something about 'irreconcilable differences,' but speaking as a man with a divorce under his belt, that's a phrase typically used to disguise a shit-storm."

Geddy taps his thumbs on the steering wheel. "I don't think we've been friends long enough for me to feel comfortable disclosing that."

"It's been twenty-two years!" Alex sort of shouts.

"So you understand."

Alex makes an exasperated sound Geddy knows very well. He braces his elbow against the door and plants his face into his palm. "Okay, fine, don't tell me. Has there been anyone else besides John? Y'know, like a serious boyfriend?"

"Why are you so interested in my romantic past?"

Alex shrugs one shoulder and artfully dodges that question by posing another. "Don't tell me John's the only one? What about when you were in LA? You told me you went on a couple dates."

"Yeah, a few false starts, but nothing serious."

"What about before John? Before you and I ever met? There had to be somebody, right?"

"You writing my biography?"

"I'm just curious. Kinda scoping out the competition, y'know?"

"Well, you're here and they're not, so I don't think you've got much to worry about."

Alex goes quiet for a few moments, gazing out the window at the endless stretch of trees on either side of them, and Geddy worries he's said or done something to upset him, so of course Alex chooses that moment to say, "When're you gonna let me suck your cock, Ged?"

Geddy sort of chokes on the air in his throat, because Alex wields his candor like a sharp instrument in the hands of a madman. "How the hell do you just blurt shit out like that?" He can't stop his brain from picturing it. Hey, he's only human. "Is that what you were thinking about the last minute or so?"

"I think about it a lot," Alex says, like it's no big deal. "Obviously a lot more now that I'm allowed to."

"Obviously." Geddy sucks in a deep breath to steady himself. The idea of Alex thinking about that, like it's something he actually _wants_ to do, is seriously fucking with Geddy's head—and, uh, other parts of him. He's not even going to touch the insinuation that Alex has imagined this before their sort-of hookup last night. "You've never done it before, have you?"

"No, but when has inexperience ever stopped me?"

"Rarely." Alex dives into life like a kamikaze pilot, a stark contrast to Geddy, who has never made a major life decision without meticulous planning. This trip is the most spontaneous thing he's ever done, which is probably why every mile burned under his tires ratchets up his anxiety levels. Alex is the calm in the storm, the anchor Geddy uses to keep himself from panicking too much, because if Alex feels good then Geddy must be doing something right.

"I was nervous," Geddy starts, veering them back to the topic at hand. "The first time I did anything with anyone. I wanted it to be good."

"Of course you did, 'cause you're a tight-ass," Alex laughs, and it sounds so much like something John said to him that for one paranoid instant Geddy wonders if the two ever discussed it between themselves. "You're obsessed with the idea of perfection."

"And that's why I'm with you."

Alex laughs again and flips him off. "You know what your problem is?"

"Which one are you talking about?"

"You worry so much about making things perfect that you miss out on all the stuff that's still good even though it's not perfect."

Geddy thinks about that for a moment. "Is this your subtle way of suggesting I shouldn't have fucked things up with John?"

"Hell no, you're mine now," Alex says with a breezy laugh. "But you really overthink stuff sometimes. Your worst enemy isn't time, it's neurosis."

"I can't just _stop_ worrying. It's in my blood. I'm hardwired to analyze the fuck out of everything."

"But you don't need to. That's my point. You remember the Windsor trip, right? We had fun and laughed a lot, and it ended up being kind of perfect because we didn't try to make it that way, y'know? If you just let yourself be open and free to the possibilities, perfection will come on its own. Just get out of its way."

Geddy glances over at him. "Y'know, John used to psychoanalyze me, too. I hated it. But I was kind of an asshole back then."

"'Was'?" Alex cracks, earning himself a friendly punch to the shoulder.


	6. Secret Touch

They arrive in Winnipeg around eight o'clock, which means they only really have time for dinner, because pretty much everything sans restaurants, bars, and nightclubs is closed by nine. Alex appears to be on a daily quest to eat something that repulses Geddy on a molecular and personal level, and tonight is no different, as he orders a shamelessly messy bacon cheeseburger.

"If that burger could talk, it would just make a long groaning sound," Geddy says, studying the oozing piles of cheese and sauce pouring over the sides of the bun.

"It looks like it was created in the lab of the world's fattest scientist," Neil says, huffing quiet laughter as he neatly cuts into his modest, no-frills burger.

Geddy has to look away when Alex takes a nearly-pornographic bite of the greasy monstrosity. "Oh God. I can't watch. Everything about this is horrible." He downs the rest of his beer like a whiskey shot.

Geddy needs to distract himself from Alex's torrid love affair with his food. Neil seems to find their banter amusing somehow, so Geddy passes him a conversational baton and hopes he takes it. "Hey, Neil, what's in Winnipeg? Any reason you wanted to stop here?"

"Not particularly," Neil says, and they're both ignoring the orgasmic noises Alex is making around greedily-large bites of cheeseburger. "I came here once for a book tour many years ago, and I regret not seeing as much of the city as I wanted to."

"I keep forgetting you're a famous author."

"Not that famous. I don't get recognized very much in public, which is good. I'm not comfortable with adulation. That's why I don't do tours or signings anymore."

"Authors generally aren't the 'recognized on the street' type of celebrity," Geddy points out.

"All the more reason I love being one."

"What are the other reasons, if you don't mind me asking?"

"The most important one: you can work in your pajamas," Neil says with a tiny smile.

"Shit, I need to be an author."

"What are you now?"

It occurs to Geddy that Neil has no idea what either of them do for a living.

"I'm a music producer. And the man currently stuffing that bloated cheeseburger into his mouth is a pilot responsible for operating expensive, complicated aircraft."

"Interesting." Neil says. "I would have guessed you were involved in movies somehow. You have that snooty, big-shot director look. No offense."

Alex laughs. "I told you those glasses make you look like a douche."

Geddy glares at him. "Shut up. Eat your food." He turns his attention back to Neil. "I'm sure you meant that as a compliment. But you're not entirely wrong. My brother's a movie producer down in Hollywood, and I worked with him for a few years. What did you think Alex was?"

"Comedian. Or competitive eater."

"Hey," Alex whines in jest.

"That was a joke," Neil explains, patting Alex on the shoulder like they're best buddies. "I'm capable of them every once in a while."

Through the rest of the evening, Geddy is conscious of something growing between himself and Alex, some invisible yet potent force galvanized each time they meet each other's eyes or crack jokes or accidentally brush each other's leg underneath the table. It doesn't feel like something they're doing on purpose, but an electric kind of chemistry that has a life of its own. Neil must be able to sense the charged air around them, because instead of lingering at the table after dinner he suggests finding a place to stay for the night.

Geddy takes the shower first when he and Alex get settled into the room, and he quickly expels his pent-up lust onto the tile wall, panting and gasping under the hot spray. If they venture into sexual territory tonight, it shouldn't be because Geddy's too wound up with hormones to think straight. And it's not like achieving another erection will be difficult with Alex around.

Afterwards, it's Alex's turn in the shower, and Geddy busies himself by flipping through the channels on the motel's TV. Only about twenty-four hours have passed since their little confessions last night, but it feels as though so much has happened between them. Geddy wonders what Alex might be thinking right now, if he's furiously masturbating under the water too, or if he's saving it because he's expecting something to happen tonight. Geddy wants to keep tonight's activities relatively chaste, but when Alex steps out of the bathroom, his skin and hair still damp from his shower, things take a bit of a left turn.

"Find anything good?" Alex asks, focused on the TV as he sits beside Geddy on the bed. From this vantage point, Geddy can dwell on Alex's every detail: the wet strands of hair sticking to his forehead, the perfect shape of his lips, the toned legs sticking out of his boxer shorts, the way his t-shirt clings to his damp skin.

Geddy remembers what Alex said about perfect moments, and he thinks they're cultivating one here, and the best thing to do is get out of its way and let it happen. Geddy switches off the TV, and Alex whines in protest before Geddy captures his mouth underneath his own. "Shit," Alex gasps, his hands weaving into Geddy's hair, and they fall onto the mattress, their mouths never ceasing.

Alex seems content with just kissing, and his lips are perfect for it, but Geddy has something else in mind, tucking his fingers into the waistband of Alex's boxers. Alex makes a shocked sound around his mouth, and if that's how he reacts when Geddy hasn't even touched his dick yet, this is going to be fun. He slides his hand over the curve of Alex's hip, his skin hot against Geddy's palm, and Alex's fingers dig into Geddy's hair, as though he's afraid to do anything else with his hands.

"You're allowed to touch me, y'know," Geddy says through heavy breaths inbetween kisses. Alex uses this newfound permission to mimic the way Geddy's touching him. His thumb brushes small circles over the jut of Geddy's hip bone, and something about the tenderness and intimacy there turns Geddy on more than anything he's experienced in a long time. He kisses Alex with liquid urgency, fingers encircling his cock, coaxing him to stiffness, and Alex quivers under the expert stroke of Geddy's hand.

Alex attempts to return the favor, but Geddy puts a restraining hand on his arm and murmurs, "You don't have to do that. This is just for you." Trying to take Alex's clothes off will only result in an awkward discussion about his no-nudity clause, so Geddy just tugs Alex's cock out of the flap of his boxers and settles at the foot of the bed between his legs. Geddy swallows him down, and Alex squirms under his mouth, twisting his fingers in Geddy's hair and shaking out soft little noises.

"Shit," Alex gasps again, his hips shifting over the duvet. "I knew you'd be good at this." Geddy hums around him in response before sucking hard around the base of his cock. Alex moans and bucks into his mouth, and Geddy doesn't even care, because he's used to it, and it's _Alex_. He strokes his tongue down the length of Alex's dick, enjoying how he chokes on his words when Geddy teases beneath the head. Geddy has to see what Alex looks like here, so he flicks his gaze up to steal a glance and sees Alex with his bottom lip caught between his teeth and his eyes clenched shut, and it's almost enough to make Geddy come right there. Geddy sucks in a breath and scrapes his nails down the outside of Alex's thigh where he's holding him steady.

Alex yelps and comes with a start, his fingers tight in Geddy's hair as he fills his mouth. He makes a rolling, satisfied noise in his chest, and Geddy drinks him all down. Alex is sweet and hot and salt-bitter, and on some level it's how Geddy always imagined it. Geddy lingers there, his mouth gentle and loose around Alex's softening cock, tongue stroking him clean. "Jesus, Ged, that was... Holy shit," Alex sighs out, his chest still heaving as his breathing slows.

Geddy pulls away from the plummy head of Alex's dick to say, "Lerxst the Wordsmith," before tucking him back into his boxers.

"I forgot sex could even be like that." Alex pushes himself onto his elbows and watches Geddy bite kisses into the tender skin of his inner thigh.

"Like what, exactly?"

"Exciting. Fun."

"Well, I aim to please." Geddy climbs his way up Alex's body to kiss his mouth. Alex doesn't seem to mind, and Geddy wonders if he can taste himself on his lips. Alex curls a leg over Geddy's thigh and pulls him closer, his hands on either side of his face amidst their lavish, drugging kisses.

Apparently, Alex is a huge fan of kissing, because he continues on this way for an indeterminate amount of time, despite how Geddy's erection strains against his pants. But Geddy doesn't want to imply that this is some sort of orgasm exchange program they've got going here. Alex should be allowed to enjoy a blowjob without the expectation of reciprocation. It would be nice for him to give back, but it's not required. And after Geddy's masterful performance, Alex might feel inadequate about returning the favor.

The way Alex starts rubbing him through his sweatpants says inadequacy is the last thing on his mind. "My turn?" he says, his mouth quirked in a cute little smile. "C'mon, Ged, lemme suck you off."

Geddy is no stranger to dirty talk—John was a fan of it, which was kind of a turn-on when they first started dating—but something about Alex's voice imbues the words with new and exciting textures. Geddy's helpless to do anything but guide Alex's hand as it tugs down his pants and boxers. Alex kneels at Geddy's feet and closes his mouth over the tip of his dick. It's been forever since someone has done this for Geddy, and the fact that it's Alex is so fucking overwhelming he doesn't know how to handle it. His fingers clutch in Alex's hair, because if he doesn't hold onto something he thinks he'll lose himself.

Alex's mouth is wet and sloppy, his technique about the same, and he keeps his fist tight around the base of Geddy's cock while he sucks the head, slow and curious. Geddy swallows back a helpless noise, fights the urge to shut his eyes and let himself go, because he wants to watch every second of this. Alex hums around him, and while his jaw works his goatee scratches against Geddy's skin, and it's rough and sandpaper perfect, and Geddy can't stop the shaky sound that punches its way out of his mouth. Alex's lips curve into a smile in response, then he's flattening his tongue and tracing the bulging vein along the underside of Geddy's dick, briefly tonguing his balls, and Geddy jerks his hips forward and accidentally shoves his cock down Alex's throat.

"Sorry," Geddy huffs out when Alex pulls away and coughs.

"At least you're enjoying it," Alex says, impossibly eager as he goes down on him again, a little more carefully this time. Geddy fights to keep himself perfectly still as Alex sucks and licks and strokes, struggles against the soft little flicks of his tongue. He'd make a tasteless joke about all the practice Alex has had shoving food into his mouth, but then Alex runs the barest edge of teeth over his cock, and, that's it, show's over, folks. A high whine erupts from Geddy's mouth as he comes, and half of his orgasm ends up smeared over Alex's mouth, a long, wet stripe down the side of his cheek.

Alex licks his lips and says, "I knew you'd taste good." He uses his thumb to clean off his cheek, then takes the digit into his mouth, and, fuck, Geddy doesn't even know what to do with that.

"Are you sure you've never done that before?"

"As sure as I can be. But I'm flattered that I'm good enough to fool a seasoned vet." Alex grins at him in that stupidly eager way of his, and Geddy works his pants over his hips, still sort of shaking from the intensity.

"I guess you're a natural."

Alex laughs and climbs into bed alongside Geddy, holding him against his chest. "I wonder if that means something."

"I think it means we're gonna have a lot of fun together."

* * *

_**September 1991** _

John was horny, which came as no surprise to Geddy. Lately, John had become insatiable, which was pretty much the opposite of what Geddy expected to happen after they'd been together five years. Geddy's own sex drive had diminished over the past couple of weeks, and his only sexual highlights were his nightly masturbatory sessions in the shower while thinking about Alex. John, of course, was oblivious to any of this, interpreting Geddy's flighty and unreliable erection as a challenge to be surmounted.

So when John pushed his hands under Geddy's shirt that night as they laid in bed, Geddy knew to just roll with it. "I wanna fuck you," John murmured at his ear before taking his earlobe between his teeth.

Geddy sighed an exhausted noise, and it was even more tired because he knew he was just reading from the script. He would succumb eventually, because that's what he did for the man he kinda-sorta-maybe loved. "John, just go to bed," he grumbled, pulling the covers tighter around himself.

"Is it your dick again?" One of John's hands snaked beneath the waistband of Geddy's boxers, fingers encircling his lifeless manhood, trying to will an erection out of thin air.

"I'm just not in the mood. It's not gonna happen."

"Well, not with that attitude," John said, his wrist working to resuscitate Geddy below. "You gotta think positive. Think about how good it feels when I'm inside you." He did something with his fingers that made Geddy feel a phantom tingling in his groin, but it left almost as quickly as it appeared.

"John," Geddy sighed, exasperated, which John mistook for arousal, because he chuckled and adjusted the stroke and pull of his hand.

"See, you're already getting hard for me, baby," John murmured at his ear, and Geddy wondered whose dick John was stroking if he felt any semblance of firmness. "You want me to suck you off?"

Geddy didn't want to have sex, but he also didn't want to send John to bed disappointed for the sixth night in two weeks, either. The lesser of two evils was to let John do what he wanted. Eventually, his jaw would get sore and he'd give up, and Geddy could jerk him or blow him and they could go to fucking bed already.

So Geddy said, "Sure," and John kissed his throat and the pockets of his collarbones, worked his way down. He pushed up Geddy's shirt to press soft kisses and bites over his stomach, tongue swirling around his navel. He slithered down the bed to take off Geddy's boxers, then he put his dick in his mouth, and Geddy squeezed his eyes shut and tried to concentrate on the hot wetness. He thought about their first time together, that hot, needy clash of hips in the back seat of John's Corvette. He thought about their first date, how John had jerked him off in a men's room stall at the Blue Jays stadium. A minute later, he should have been hard, but he wasn't even close.

John forged on, humming around Geddy's cock and doing all sorts of fancy shit with his tongue. Humiliated and frustrated by the small, rubbery thing he'd become, Geddy cheated and thought about Alex. His fantasies about Alex had grown more elaborate over the last few years, and Geddy had a veritable library of pornographic things to pull from when he wanted to get off. This time, he imagined Alex on his knees, sucking Geddy's cock in much the same way John was doing. Geddy always figured Alex would be an amateur when it came to performing fellatio, but this experienced version of him worked just as well. Geddy's fingers weaved into John's hair, absently tugging as his mouth worked.

It turns out Geddy had a very good imagination. Maybe it was the fact that he'd pictured Alex like this enough times to solidify a pretty decent mental image, or maybe it was the overwhelming sensation of oral sex matching up with the images in his head, instead of just picturing it while he jerked himself off, but Geddy was lost, suspended in the dark and his own blissful thoughts, his senses tuned only to the hot vortex around his dick. So when desire welled in his groin and his fingers tightened, it wasn't entirely surprising that the wrong name slipped past his lips, and by the time he realized he'd said it out loud, John was already pulling away and shouting, "Motherfucker!"

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

Geddy scrambled to make himself decent. There is a unique feeling when you realize you've effectively ruined things, like watching helplessly as your house goes up in flames, and Geddy's chest felt primed to explode like a bomb.

"So you can't get it up unless you're thinking about him?" John accused, furiously pacing the bedroom floor.

"No, no, no, wait, wait, just—C'mon, like you don't picture somebody else when you're having sex with me? Fuck, no, don't answer that, just—"

"I can't fucking believe you!" Then, after a second, John laughed bitterly. "No, wait, I can. That's the worst part. Y'know, I thought there was something going on between you two, and I guess I was right! How long has he been fucking you?"

Everything seemed to be happening in hyperspeed, matching the manic thrum of Geddy's heartbeat. "John, it's not like that, I swear—"

"So you're fucking him?"

"No, we're not—we've never—I just—"

John spun on his heel. "So you'd just rather be with him, huh? Is that it?"

It sounded really awful phrased that way. Geddy realized he'd have to change his tactic. "I was just thinking about him so we could get off and not have this fucking wall between us because I haven't been able to"—he struggled for the word—"perform, and I didn't want you going to bed disappointed again."

But of course John interpreted that as: "Oh, so it's _my_ fault?"

Jesus Christ. "No, John, don't be an asshole." Geddy had been in this relationship long enough to know that remark was wrong and not remotely constructive, but he said it anyway. Fuck if he knew why.

John snorted. "You think about another guy when you're with me and _I'm_ the asshole? Fuck off." He stormed for the bureau, throwing open a drawer. He angrily stripped off his sweatpants and exchanged them for a pair of jeans. "Y'know, you'd think, maybe, if you were gonna fantasize about someone else instead of your partner, you'd pick somebody, I dunno, good-looking?"

Geddy fucking _knew_ this was an argumentative trap door, a landmine John laid out in hopes Geddy would trip over it and blow his legs off. He knew this, but he still fell for it. "You're pissed at me, I get it, but leave Alex out of this. It's not his fault."

John stepped into his shoes, stuffing his wallet and keys into his pockets. "Oh, clearly. I mean, it seems like he's taken about a hundred pounds' worth of precaution so you wouldn't find him attractive. Maybe you'd get it up for me if I completely let myself go."

More bait. More hooks in Geddy's stupid, big mouth. "Don't talk about him like that! You're jealous because you know Alex is smart and funny and handsome, and he's got enough sense not to be a fucking image-obsessed meathead like you."

John looked momentarily wounded, hearing loud and clear the insinuation that Geddy didn't think he was good-looking, or at least not as good-looking as Alex. And Geddy was angry enough to let him keep thinking it. "You're fucked in the head, Geddy," John said sadly, like the culmination of this argument was just about what he expected. "He's married, y'know. He's never gonna be with you, and you're too stupid to see it."

John stormed out of the bedroom, and Geddy felt compelled to follow him, because that's what you do in a situation like this, right? "Where are you going?"

"Out." John pulled open the front door with so much force Geddy feared he might tear the thing off its wailing hinges. "Away from you."

"It's past midnight!"

"So I'll find a motel! I'll sleep in the goddamn car off the highway if I have to!"

John walked down the front steps, and all Geddy could hear was the blood rushing in his ears. _Fuck, fuck, fuck_. Panic choked in his throat, strangling his words. "John, c'mon, I'm so sorry, okay? I fucked up. Just—don't leave, please? We can fix this—"

"Will you just shut your goddamned mouth?" John shouted, his glare piercing through bone, and it was in that moment Geddy felt five years disappear in a heartbeat. There would be no fixing this, no climbing out of the abyss he'd stupidly plunged into.

Geddy didn't want to watch John leave, so he staggered inside and shut the door. He felt the planet spin beneath his feet until he ended up crumpled on the floor, his knees pulled up to his chest as his lungs remembered how to breathe.

He wasn't aware of how much time passed sitting there, but at some point the front door creaked open, and Geddy's heart lodged in his throat at the notion that John came back. Maybe not for _him_ —maybe John forgot something like a key or a credit card—but it was a start, something they could build off of.

But it wasn't John who came through the door. It was Alex. Alex, who saw Geddy sitting in a pathetic, devastated heap and immediately dropped to his knees and pulled him into his arms. "Ged, what the hell? Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not fucking okay," Geddy managed to say, sort of stunned he was able to find words at all. "Why are you here?"

"I was out back having a smoke and heard you guys fighting." Alex tilted Geddy's face in his tender hands. "He didn't hit you, did he?"

"No, Jesus, of course not." Geddy shivered though he wasn't cold, which made Alex hold him tighter. They sat there in silence, save for Geddy's shaky exhales as he tried to get control of his breathing.

"Do you think it's over?" Alex asked in a soft voice. "You think maybe he just needs some time to cool off—"

"It's over," Geddy said with a finality that made his heart ache. "He's gone."

"Well, hey, maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Things have a way of working out, y'know? Your soulmate could be right around the corner."

"Or my soulmate was John, but I fucked everything up, and now he's gone."

"If you two were really meant to be, you really think he would just leave like that without trying to work things out?" Alex took Geddy's hand in his own. "You deserve someone who won't give up on you."

Geddy sighed and fought his way out of Alex's embrace, each word pushing him to a new breaking point. "Just—don't."

"Shit, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to help you feel better."

Geddy wasn't sure what he wanted right now. He wished John were here instead of Alex so he could attempt to fix things, but only minutes ago he'd been wishing John were Alex. He also seemed to resent John for not being Alex, so maybe John had a point when he raised the idea of Geddy being fucked in the head. John was a shrink, so he would be somewhat of an expert on the subject.

"What do you need from me, Ged?" Alex asked, his eyes wide and eager, and Geddy wanted to hate him for destroying a perfectly good relationship, a relationship that wasn't even his to ruin. It didn't really seem fair to hate Alex, since Geddy was the one who fucked up, but misery loves company.

"I think I need to be alone."

Alex looked wounded, but he seemed to understand. "Sure, no problem." He helped Geddy to his feet, ever the gentleman. "If you change your mind, let me know, okay?"

Geddy may have nodded, but the synthesis of the trauma and panic and desolation rendered him somewhat numb, and he barely registered the sound of the front door closing as Alex left.

_What the fuck happens now?_

* * *

In the morning, they meet Neil for breakfast at a diner across the street from the motel. Over plates of pancakes the size of a small country, Neil asks, "Alex, do you have any kids?"

Alex looks just as surprised as Geddy that Neil is initiating conversation. "Yeah, two boys."

"Was that difficult given your"—Neil seems to be searching for a neutral word—"situation?"

"You mean the divorce? Well, kinda. Justin was already grown up and moved out, and Adrian was in his last year of high school when Charlene and I separated. But you'd have to ask them about it." Without thinking, Alex asks, "What about you?" before realizing his error. "Oh, shit, I'm sorry."

But Neil shakes his head. "Don't be. When people talk about Selena, it's always the sad things: how sorry they are, how much it must hurt. But I want to talk about how great she was. She was smart and capable, and everybody liked her. Calling me a loser was her teenaged way of saying 'I love you.' She loved old-school R&B and Motown. She was impatient, much like her mother. As she got older, she liked reading my writing. Sometimes she'd negotiate a page of writing from me in exchange for a page of her homework. We could be very productive when we put our minds to it." He's staring down at his plate, but his expression is peaceful, a small smile at the corners of his mouth.

"She sounds really great," Alex says after a moment.

Neil nods and says, "She was." Then: "How did yours turn out?"

"Well, y'know what they say about good intentions..."

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Geddy says. "I think they turned out fine."

Alex shrugs. "Charlene and I were really young when Justin was born, so I guess I became more of a friend to him than a father. Which I tried to correct when we had Adrian, but I just didn't see the point in harping on him for dumb shit I did or would've done at his age. That was one of the points of contention in our divorce—by being 'the cool dad,' I sorta inadvertently set Charlene up to be disliked because she had to enforce rules."

Neil sips sagely at his coffee. "We've all made mistakes. I think raising a child is, in essence, a series of well-intentioned mistakes that hopefully turn into something great."

Alex considers this. "Well, Justin's married and doing pretty well for himself, and Adrian started university last year, so we'll see how he turns out." He looks at Geddy, who's been pretty quiet the past few minutes. "Sorry, Ged, we kinda edged you out here."

"'S'okay, I'm still waking up," Geddy says, finishing off his coffee. Sure, he feels a little left out, but he's glad Neil and Alex are opening up, comparing and contrasting their battle scars.

After breakfast, Neil wants to explore the city, so they follow his lead in navigating the confusing streets. "Neil seems pretty cool," Alex says while they're driving. "I like him more each day."

"I hope he doesn't feel like a third wheel."

"Sometimes being a third wheel isn't that bad. Tricycles have three wheels, and they do just fine."

"The fuck are you talking about?" Geddy laughs.

"I'm just saying a group of three doesn't always mean somebody's left out. And I really doubt Neil would wanna be stuck in the car with us all day. I think he likes having the option of getting the hell out of dodge if we bother him too much."

"When you think about it, you're the only one who's trapped here."

Alex laughs a hearty sound. "I'm not stuck in here with you—you're stuck in here with me!"

"I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else, Lerxst. You know that."

"So if you're this sappy after a blowjob, when we actually have sex are we gonna have a shit-load of chick-flick moments?"

Geddy wets his lips, suddenly parched at the thought of lying underneath Alex and rocking into the steady pushes of his hips. "I'm not sure a 'shit-load' is an approved unit of measurement."

"You know I love your evasiveness, honey," Alex teases.

"What about you? Will you get even more facetious than you already are?"

"I may never answer anything sincerely ever again."

"Oh God, it's already starting."

* * *

The next morning, Neil sets them on a course for Calgary. This means driving through some of the most boring countryside Canada has to offer, a caveat he never really prepared them for. After about four hours on the road, Geddy feels like his eyes are going to melt out of his skull. The only things on either side of them are lush plains and blue skies that seem to stretch on forever. Even the clouds look like they're traveling down some invisible highway. Every now and then there's a cluster of small trees, but there's really not much else.

They stop for gas in a little town called Whitewood just off the highway. Geddy slumps against the side of the car while he's filling up the tank. Alex sticks his head out the window and asks, "Something wrong?"

"I'm just so _bored_ ," Geddy sort of sobs, giving zero fucks how melodramatic he sounds, because, seriously, you try driving down miles and miles of endless road without amusing billboards or roadside attractions to entertain you. "I don't know how Neil does it."

"He's probably a lot more alert, being on a motorcycle and all."

Geddy stares off at the short trees in the distance lining one side of the highway. "You wanna drive for a bit?"

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, you wanted to drive, right? Here's your chance."

Alex scrunches up his face, like he thinks this is a joke. "Are you dying? Is one of us dying? Is that what this is?"

"A handsome guy with a huge schlong told me to stop being such a tight-ass, so I'm taking his advice."

"Sounds like a smart guy."

It turns out Alex is a pretty good driver, and Geddy had himself worried for nothing. He ends up relaxing in the passenger seat as the plains rush by in a haze of green and sun-parched yellow. "Hey, you're not all tense like you're braced for a crash!" Alex says above the combined noise of the stereo and the wind whipping through the open windows. "Good on you!"

"I may have overexaggerated your driving skills or lack thereof."

"Just because you said that, this would be the perfect time for a moose to jump in front of the car and completely fuck with me."

"There's nowhere for it to hide. Mr. Magoo could see a moose out here."

"One could materialize in the middle of the road."

"Then there's a glitch in the Matrix, and you've got much bigger problems." Geddy steals a drink from their shared soda. "Hey, do you remember when I first moved in and you'd bring me food?"

Alex laughs heartily. "Oh, shit! Yeah! I forgot about that!" Maybe once a week, Alex would bring Geddy generous portions of whatever he'd cooked that evening: casseroles, soups, burgers, sandwiches. They even had a comfortable ritual during baseball season where Alex would bring homemade dips and appetizers over to Geddy's house and they'd watch the World Series games together. And then, at some point, they didn't do those things anymore, as though some unspoken pact had been agreed upon. Looking back, Geddy realizes Charlene probably made Alex stop, since they never talked about it afterwards.

"Is that your subtle way of asking me to cook for you now that we're... whatever we are?" Alex wonders.

"I wouldn't mind if you did."

"Was John much of a cook?"

"Not really," Geddy says with a shrug, and he doesn't fail to notice how Alex does a little fist-pump at that. "You know you don't have to compete with him, right?"

"I know. But it's kinda fun."

"And you say _I'm_ competitive?"

"My competitiveness doesn't negate yours, Ged. And mine serves a purpose. Yours is just a knee-jerk reaction to your own perceived inadequacy."

"Jesus Christ, have you been talking to John? You're starting to sound like him."

"Does that get me bonus points?"

"Speaking of 'perceived inadequacy'..."

Alex rolls his eyes and laughs.

"You're forgetting one important element here: John wasn't you. That's why it couldn't have worked between us."

"Still, five years is a long time."

"You get comfortable," Geddy says, glancing out the window. "You know me, I go with what works—or at least seems to be working. I did love John. I just wasn't in love with him, but I thought I could be, given enough time. I thought maybe something would change and I'd just wake up one day and see him the way he wished I would."

"And it took him five years to figure out you weren't as crazy about him as you should've been?"

"Well, the sex was good," Geddy admits with a shrug, like it doesn't mean anything anymore. "I'm sure that kept him around for a while."

"What was the final straw?"

"Why does it matter?" Geddy grumbles, squirming in his seat. "It was over ten years ago."

"'Cause I wanna know about the crap in the road so I can avoid it. Or try to fix it."

"You don't have any dark, horrible secrets to barter with, do you?"

"This is a trust exercise, Ged. You have to trust that I'm invested to a humiliating degree in us, and nothing you say is gonna change that."

In the past twenty-two years, no one has been there for Geddy more consistently than Alex. That's love, in some form or another. Geddy nods and says, "He found out I was in love with you."

Alex takes a breath. "Really? That's—Well, I guess I know now why you couldn't tell me." He laughs, but it's more of a giggle. "I'm never gonna get used to hearing you say that. You're in love with me."

Geddy swallows the lump in his throat. "Yeah."

"I don't think I've ever been someone's unattainable crush before."

"There's no need to brag."

"Are you kidding? If there ever was a time to brag, this is it."

"Then brag to Neil, not me."

"Somehow, I doubt he'd want to hear it."

"Yeah, well, neither do I," Geddy says with an affectionate smirk.

In the evening, as the sky turns blue-black and the moon peeks out from hazy clouds, Neil leads them into Regina, the first real city Geddy's seen in two hours of gazing out the window while Alex drives. Neil doesn't like driving on the highways at night, so he tends to steer them towards settling in before it gets too dark. After dinner, the first motel they find only has one room, but Geddy just wants to shower and drop into bed and be done with the day, so they settle in and make the best of it.

The room is a double, which means Geddy doesn't have to sleep on the floor or in the bathtub—because Neil and Alex are tall, bulky dudes who would absolutely fight him for bed privileges. Geddy and Alex share a bottle of wine they picked up back in Winnipeg, and Neil sips The Macallan from his silver flask while the three of them play poker using cashews as betting chips. Alex eats most of his winnings, which leaves Geddy and Neil competing for the pot. By this point, Geddy is already drunk, so it's not hard for Neil to gain the upper hand.

"I'll just take these," Neil says as he rakes in the remainder of cashew winnings. "You know the goal of this game is to play the _best_ cards, right?"

"Oh shit," Alex laughs. "Ged, you gonna take that?"

"Are you sure you're an author," Geddy asks Neil, "and not some card-counting astrophysicist motherfucker?"

"No, I just know how to play poker," Neil says with a wicked smirk.

Geddy makes a growling noise and reaches across Alex's lap for the wine bottle. "I need a drink. My taste buds are tingling."

"That's your liver's distress signal, honey." Alex holds the bottle away from him. "You're just gonna lose again if you keep playing. Has Kenny Rogers taught you nothing?"

"There's no shame in losing," Neil says. "We're all losers here. We've all lost something—or someone." He pops a cashew into his mouth. "Plus, you're out of cashews."

"Can I buy in with something else? My shirt? My pants?"

Neil narrows his eyes. "Play strip poker with Alex on your own time."

Geddy huffs an annoyed breath. "Fine. I'll use real money."

"Ged, this is embarrassing," Alex whines, but it's not like he's trying to stop Geddy from digging his wallet out of his suitcase and producing a few wrinkled bills.

"I'm not sure it's ethical to take money from someone under the deleterious effects of alcohol," Neil says, observing the way Geddy sort of teeters on his way back to the table.

"Yeah, you fucking drunk." Alex laughs and nudges Geddy with his elbow when he sits down.

"I'm fine," Geddy insists, dropping the money onto the table. "How come you're so damn cheery? You drank as much as me."

Alex grins and pokes at Geddy's stomach. "Because you're a tiny, tiny man with an equally tiny tolerance for alcohol."

Geddy scowls at him. "I may be small, but you're still beneath me—y'know, in bed, when we have sex."

"It's cute when you jam words together like you know what they mean."

Neil groans, pushing away from the table. "Ugh, I'm not playing if you guys are just gonna flirt and talk about each others' unspeakable nether regions." He stands up and takes another drink from his flask. "I'm going to bed."

"For _me_?" Geddy gloats, sweeping his winnings towards him. "I win!"

"You know that was a pity win, right? I like to see how the other half lives sometimes," Neil says before shutting the bathroom door.

Geddy smiles, self-satisfied, and leans against Alex's shoulder. Alex drops a couple of cashews into his mouth. "I can't decide if you're embarrassing or adorable when you're competitive. Maybe a mix of both. Adorabarrassing."

"That's not even a thing," Geddy says, because he's sober enough to know Alex is just making up words now.

"Not yet. But it could be if enough people start using it. That's kinda how words work."

Geddy traces shapes over Alex's pajama-clad thigh with his fingertip. He takes note of the way Alex's skin sort of tightens at the touch. "I like your thighs," he murmurs.

"Even though they spread out three times their size when I'm sitting down?"

"'F course. You're perfect to me. You've always been."

"You are _drunk_ ," Alex says with a smile in his voice, dragging out the word. "But I'll take it. At least you're pretending to be attracted to me."

"'M not pretending," Geddy argues, feeling particularly offended by that before hearing the subtext underneath it. "Did Charlene not..." The alcohol has eroded some of their conversational barriers, so maybe this is something they can talk about.

Alex shrugs his free shoulder. "Once I got all jiggly and off-putting, she sort of stopped..." The rest of that sentence peters off into the ether, but even in his affected state Geddy can piece together how it might have ended. "Maybe if I'd taken better care of myself, she wouldn't've gone looking for someone else."

"I think you're perfect," Geddy says, rubbing his hand along the inside of Alex's thigh. "I've always thought that. I dunno how she couldn't, why she would take you away from me and still want more."

"Ged," Alex gasps around a breath, though that's probably due to the proximity of Geddy's hand than anything else. "I didn't even know you when I married her."

"I know, but maybe we're s'posed to be together. Maybe our atoms were nearby when the universe was created, so we were destined to find each other again. 'Swhy you moved next door to me."

"Well, that and the property value was pretty sweet." Alex covers Geddy's hand with one of his own, and Geddy brushes over the engorged line of Alex's cock, making him groan and twitch his hips. "Shit, don't—Neil's right in there."

Geddy glances over his shoulder at the bathroom door, listening to the faint sound of the faucet running, which is the precise moment Alex chooses to take his face in his hands and kiss his mouth. Alex kisses with a nuanced tenderness that Geddy's never going to get used to. His lips are soft and salty, carefully sucking at the corners of Geddy's mouth before his tongue licks its way inside. Geddy moans and clutches a hand in the front of Alex's t-shirt.

"What were you saying before about being on top of me in bed?" Alex teases, his breath hot against Geddy's open mouth.

"I don't think Neil would appreciate that."

"He knew what he was signing up for when he agreed to room with us. But I'm asking for the purpose of, uh, future plans. When we've got the room to ourselves and don't have to worry about noise complaints."

"What exactly are you negotiating here?" Geddy wonders, because he doesn't want to jump to conclusions and assume Alex is asking to be fucked.

"You. Inside of me." Oh, so that would've been a pretty safe assumption, then. "Tab A, Slot B. I know it's been a while for you, big guy, but it's like riding a bicycle. Or sticking your dick inside a bicycle—Never mind, that one got away from me."

"Y'know, in order for that to happen you're gonna have to get naked."

"That's a sacrifice I'm willing to make." Geddy reaches for Alex's shirt. "But not now. C'mon, we've scandalized Neil enough for one night."

"We could wait 'til he's asleep."

"There's no fun in keeping quiet."

"There can be."

Alex lifts an eyebrow. "A comment that cryptic usually comes with a story. 'Fess up, Ged, are you into semi-public sex?"

Geddy flushes red and glances off. "John was..."

"And I'm sure you only went along with it to keep him happy, right?" Alex rolls his eyes. "Where'd you do it?"

"Lerxst..."

"C'mon, just tell me."

"On our first date, he gave me a handjob in one of the men's room stalls at CNE Stadium."

A grin spreads on Alex's face. "That's pretty fuckin' greasy."

"Shut up," Geddy whines. "Then one time we had sex in the back seat of his car in a movie theater parking lot. And a few times in his office."

Alex is laughing now, and Geddy would be more upset about that if Alex wasn't so damn cute. "Wow. I'm discovering a whole new side of you. The most adventurous Charlene ever got was having sex with the lights on. Which, as the years went by, was no easy feat, lemme tell you."

Geddy skims a hand along the length of Alex's arm. "For you or her?"

Alex laughs and steals another kiss.

Later, while Neil is snoring lightly in the other bed, Geddy and Alex lie together, basking in the soft crush of each other's lips. Judging by how much time they've spent kissing, Alex clearly has a thing for foreplay. He keeps breaking off kisses to look at Geddy, which is intense as fuck and makes Geddy feel more exposed than he's ever been, as though Alex can see right through him, right into the darkest and worst parts of his soul.

So when Alex gazes at him and murmurs, "I love you," it comes as a bit of a shock.

Geddy just stares, dumbfounded.

"I feel like I've said it already, but there's no harm in hearing it again, right? I don't ever want you wondering how I feel about you."

Geddy still isn't sure how to respond to that, but he blinks away from Alex's intense gaze, because it's twisting him up in all sorts of ways. "I love you, too. I always have."

"I think maybe I have, too," Alex whispers before capturing Geddy's mouth underneath his own.


	7. The Stars Look Down

Geddy wakes up the next morning in Neil's bed, arms wrapped around his waist and his face tucked against the back of Neil's neck. So, y'know, nothing embarrassing.

How the fuck did this happen? Geddy distinctly remembers being in bed with Alex and kissing him and snuggling into the crook of his neck, so at some point in the night he must have transferred himself from one bed to another. Why?

Maybe he got up to use the restroom and afterwards just collapsed into the closest bed. That would explain everything in a non-creepy, totally accidental way.

Geddy's first instinct is to deny this ever happened and dive back into the proper bed, but he worries if he makes any sort of movement Neil will awaken like an angry bear. But how long can two grown men spoon before it gets weird?

The answer is about a minute and a half, because after a brief period of terrifying silence Neil shifts and murmurs, "Geddy, no one's allowed to get this close to me without buying me dinner first."

Geddy immediately pulls his arms away from Neil's proximity and rolls onto his back, putting some distance between their bodies. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I was drunk and it was dark and I don't have my glasses—"

"It's fine," Neil grumbles into the pillow. "At least now I know I'm not gay."

Geddy feels oddly insulted by that, but he's the one who slipped into Neil's bed and cuddled with him for God knows how long, so he keeps his mouth shut and crawls back into bed with Alex, nauseous and without any discernable center of gravity.

Alex throws an arm around Geddy and pulls him closer, sleepily nuzzling the crown of his head. Geddy breathes in the fading scent of Alex's cologne, and even through the malevolent pulsing in his head he's oddly touched that Alex put forth effort to smell appealing to him. He knows he's already hung over, the early morning light hitting his eyes like needles, but maybe if he keeps his face tucked into the safety of Alex's throat, he can ride through the worst of it.

The heat of Alex's breath and the soft rise and fall of his chest are like a warm, comforting cradle, and sleep is on Geddy like shrink-wrap. He wakes up again a little after ten to the quiet sounds of Neil and Alex talking over coffee and donuts. "G'morning!" Alex says with a goofy grin as Geddy sits up. "Neil told me about your little bed-hopping incident."

"Damn it," Geddy groans, rubbing his eyes which throb like bruised testicles.

"No harm, no foul," Neil says, like he means it. "I told him because I thought he'd get a kick out of it."

"And indeed I did!"

The room smells like freshly-brewed coffee. Geddy climbs out of bed and shuffles toward the coffee-maker.

"How's the hangover?" Alex asks while Geddy's pouring himself a mug.

Geddy makes a grumpy noise in his throat.

"Y'know, for a guy who wants to own a vineyard you really _cannot_ handle your liquor. A dream which I am a hundred percent behind, by the way."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I could be the guy who does all the physical labor, who's always oily and never wears a shirt. I might have to do a couple crunches to get in shape, but that'll take, what, a week?"

Geddy snorts laughter and immediately wishes he hadn't. "It hurts when I laugh."

"Does this mean I get to drive again today?"

"'F course, Lerxst. Drive as much as you want," Geddy says, sitting at the table with his warm mug of coffee.

"I feel like you're being sarcastic, but, hey, I'll take it." Alex nudges the half-empty box of donuts towards him. "You might wanna get in on these before I eat 'em all."

"Thanks." Geddy notices evidence of sprinkles at the bottom of the box and knows Alex was responsible for them. Something about that warms his heart, and every time he thinks he couldn't possibly love Alex more, he is happily proven wrong.

"There was a bag of donut holes too, but Alex ate them on the drive back," Neil informs him.

Geddy looks at Alex. "Don't get crumbs in my car, or you're on vacuum duty at the next rest stop."

"He barely had time to get crumbs on the seats," Neil says. "It was like one of those nature shows where a snake unhinges its jaw and swallows a mouse."

Geddy laughs and feels a sharp bolt of pain in his temples. "Ow, you assholes, stop making me laugh." But the idea of Neil and Alex spending time together and getting to know each other fills him with inexplicable warmth.

"Here, you big baby." Alex gets up and digs around in his suitcase. His hand emerges a moment later holding a bottle of Tylenol. "Take a couple of these and quit your whining." He kisses the top of Geddy's head and sets the bottle on the table.

Geddy downs three pills with his coffee and already feels a bit better.

* * *

_**October 2000** _

Geddy pulled into the blacktop driveway of his Toronto home, expecting far more signs of deterioration and poor maintenance, but the lawn appeared neatly trimmed and watered, save for the red and orange leaves scattered about, and the house itself looked exactly the same as it did the day he left. He sat back in the driver's seat and took a long look at the stone exterior. He'd been so certain he would have someone to share this two-story home with, a family he'd have built, but the basement was full of collected wines, and the spare bedroom was a shrine to his baseball memorabilia instead of the childrens' bedroom he'd hoped it would be.

As soon as Geddy stepped out of the car, he was greeted by the cool autumn breeze and Alex's head peeking over the fence. "Ged? You're back?"

"It would seem so." It's nearly impossible to remain in a sour mood around Alex, and Geddy found himself smiling at the sight of Alex's ecstatic grin.

Alex swung around the fence and threw his arms around Geddy. The nature of their hugs had always been strictly platonic, but this one felt different. Maybe it was the way Alex clung to Geddy as though letting go would mean losing him again, or the way one of his arms wrapped over Geddy's shoulders and his fingers curled against the back of his neck. Geddy had never been hugged like this by any man besides John, and something inside of him shivered gleefully.

"Good to have you back," Alex said after they separated, still wearing that silly grin that looked like it must hurt his face. In this moment, he reminded Geddy of a hyperactive dog, brimming with joy at his master's return.

"Good to be home again." Geddy glanced around the front yard. "I see you kept the place looking nice while I was gone."

Alex's expression brightened, like he was pleased Geddy noticed his effort. "Yeah, well, sometimes I made Adrian do it, y'know, to build character. And every now and then I snuck a bottle of wine from your cellar." He smiled and shrugged as if to say, 'what can you do?'

"'S'what I get for giving you a key." Geddy leaned against his car and took out a cigarette from the pack in his jacket pocket. "Want one?"

"Sure." They shared a light, which felt oddly intimate, and Alex came to rest in the space beside Geddy. He blew out thin wisps of smoke and said, "I'd ask you how LA was, but I get the feeling you'd rather not talk about it."

"You always knew me best." Geddy took a long drag, let the smoke fill his lungs. "How's Adrian?"

"He's a lot more popular in school than I ever was," Alex said with a laugh. "He'll be glad to see you."

Geddy checked his watch. "Shouldn't he be home by now?"

"He goes skateboarding with his friends after school."

Geddy thought about asking Alex how things were going for him, but Charlene stepped onto the front porch of the house next door and saw them loitering against the side of Geddy's car. "Geddy," she said, her tone clipped and loaded as she neared them. "Alex didn't tell me you were coming back."

"I didn't tell him."

"Oh, a surprise," Charlene said, devoid of any joy usually found in surprises. She approached her husband and placed a rather possessive hand on Alex's arm. "Well, it's nice to have you back in the neighborhood, Geddy."

Geddy was stricken with the realization that, in his absence, Charlene started disliking him. He wasn't sure why or how, but something in the undertones of their conversations had changed, and Geddy could only wonder what he might have done to piss her off in his four-year absence.

"It's good to be back. I missed you guys," Geddy said instead.

"I'm sure." Charlene smiled tightly, and Geddy noticed the way her hand sort of clenched around Alex's arm. She looked at her husband. "You're taking care of dinner tonight, right?"

"Oh, yeah, of course. Hey, Ged, would you wanna join us?" Alex asked, his blue eyes vibrant. "No sense in eating alone your first night back, yeah?"

Charlene flashed Alex a resentful look before targeting Geddy with forced hospitality. "Geddy, if you come, would you mind bringing over a nice bottle of wine?"

"Sure, no problem."

Not much had changed inside Alex's house, but Geddy got the feeling he wasn't welcome there anymore. He accompanied Alex into the kitchen while Charlene opened the wine and poured herself a glass.

"So what're you in the mood for, Ged?" Alex asked, shoving aside containers in the fridge. "I'll make whatever you want—as long as I have the ingredients."

"You don't have to go to any trouble for me. You know I'm not picky."

Alex started unloading items from the fridge.

"Can I help at all?"

"No, no, you're a guest," Charlene said, sort of dragging Geddy away from Alex and steering him toward the dining room table. "Why don't you relax and tell me about your trip?"

So he did, omitting some of the more embarrassing details, and occasionally casting quick glances at Alex working in the kitchen. At some point in the evening, Adrian came through the front door, and a huge grin spread on his face at the sight of Geddy there. "Uncle Ged, what's up?" he said, effortlessly casual. "You moved back?"

"It would seem so," Geddy said, which appeared to be his go-to answer.

"Awesome." Then, he added: "Thanks again for the birthday money the last couple years. That was pretty cool."

Geddy shrugged. "The least I could do for my sort-of nephew."

"Are you staying for dinner?"

"Yeah, your dad invited me."

"Sweet." Adrian headed upstairs, and Geddy was back to feeling the stultifying effects of his own presence here. Nervous, he poured himself a glass of wine, because, hey, he brought the bottle.

"It really is a shame you didn't meet anyone out there, Geddy," Charlene said with affected detachment.

"Yeah, well, nobody's more disappointed about it than me," Geddy said.

"It's too bad you couldn't find another great guy like John. I just loved him. He was great for you."

"Honey, I think you've had enough," Alex joked, but Charlene shot him a look of disgust, as though they no longer participated in playful banter.

"Why don't you let me set you up with someone?" Charlene said, turning back to Geddy. "I know a bunch of young guys at the gym looking for older men. And they've got asses you could bounce a quarter off of."

Geddy took a long drink of wine to hide the way his cheeks flushed. "You really don't have to—I don't like being set up. My brother tried it, and it didn't end well."

"Because he's your brother. He's probably subconsciously setting you up with guys you could bring home to Mom."

"I appreciate the offer, but I'd prefer finding my own dates."

"And that's working out so well for you," Charlene said. There was enough levity in her voice to pass it off as playful ribbing, but Geddy sensed some hostility beneath the surface.

"Hey, c'mon, babe," Alex interjected. "It's probably not easy for him. There might be a whole new set of rules for dating other men."

Charlene shrugged in surrender and took another drink. "Suit yourself, Geddy."

Geddy wracked his brain for a way around the topic of his romantic life, but the kitchen timer chose that moment to start beeping, so he considered himself rescued.

Alex served up a dinner of pecan-crusted chicken breasts smothered in cheese sauce, creamy mashed potatoes, and fluffy white rice. Geddy always fantasized that Alex fucks as well as he cooks, but that must have been imagination on his part, because Charlene and Alex don't seem to even really like one another. Charlene's attitude could be the result of Geddy's presence at their table, but even so, he sensed that dinner here was never a barrel of laughs. Adrian sat beside Geddy, offering him the comfort of someone actually happy to see him.

"So how come you moved back?" Adrian asked, since he wasn't present when this was discussed with Charlene.

"I missed you guys," Geddy chuckled, trying humor. "And LA wasn't really working out for me. I guess I'm too old and set in my ways to break into something new."

"I could'a told you that," Adrian said, elbowing him lightly. "Plus LA is full of snobs anyway. Did you get to make any cool movies?"

"Have you seen what's come out lately? We're in kind of a cinematic dark age right now. Ever since Titanic, everybody's been trying to make the next big disaster movie. The special effects have become the focus instead of good characters and stories."

"Right on. How come you couldn't show 'em how to make something good?"

"I was brought on as kind of a 'sit down, shut up, and do what we say' kind of guy."

"That sucks. Good thing you got outta there."

"It might not be as glamorous as working in Hollywood, but I like my job here. People care about my opinion. That's why they hire me. I have input instead of being just a cog in the machine."

"Don't you think you might've given up too easily?" Charlene asked, working on her second glass of wine. "You're so talented and smart. They would have seen that eventually."

Geddy smiled sadly. _That's what I've been telling myself for years_ , he thought. _I'm the goddamn patron saint of pioneering lost causes._

Instead, however, Geddy said, "It kinda sounds like you want me to go back. A less secure person might feel unwanted."

"Oh, no, no, that's not it at all," Charlene said, but her voice didn't carry the chagrin typical of when your words have been misconstrued. "I was just saying not to write it off just because you didn't get what you wanted. Sometimes you gotta stick with things for a while, even if they kinda suck."

"Well, it wasn't really something I wanted to start with," Geddy said, feeling oddly singled out. "But Allan was excited about it, and I thought a change of scenery would be good for me." He never mastered the art of directing conversation, especially when the topic was something he'd rather avoid. Every word seemed to elicit more probing questions.

"The important thing is you're back home," Alex said.

"Absolutely," Charlene said with a nasty grin.

That was enough to prickle Alex's nerves, because he scowled and murmured, "Can I have a word with you?"

The two of them ducked into the kitchen, and Geddy could hear their hushed arguing, though he couldn't make out any specific words. He listened to them gnaw at each other like two angry animals for a moment, then he looked at Adrian, who seemed accustomed to this behavior, as though his parents arguing over dinner was just par for the course.

"Maybe I should go?" Geddy asked.

Adrian shrugged and chuckled dryly. "Welcome home, dude."

* * *

Geddy's phone rings while he's nursing his morning cup of coffee. "Hello?"

"Where the hell are you?" It's Nancy, and she doesn't sound pleased. "Judging by the amount of leaves in your front yard, I'm guessing you're on some existential mid-life crisis journey?"

"Wow, that's uncanny. How'd you know?"

"Because you didn't tell me where you were going, so I look like an idiot showing up here to keep our brunch date."

"Oh. Shit. I'm sorry," Geddy laughs. "I completely forgot about that."

"Yeah, you did. Asshole," Nancy says, with love. She sighs into the phone and says, "So what's wrong this time?"

"Well, nothing, really. I'm on a road trip with Alex, and things are going pretty great."

At the mention of his name, Alex glances at Geddy with a curious smile. Geddy smiles back, feeling something warm brewing in his chest. Neil's probably rolling his eyes at them.

"At least you're not going through your mid-life crisis alone," Nancy says. "How's he doing, by the way?"

Geddy smirks. "Much better."

"That's great. Tell him I said hey, would you?"

"Sure."

"I guess I'll just go eat by myself then." Nancy laughs. "Bitch."

"Jerk."

"Love you."

"Love you, too."

As they're loading their luggage into the car, Alex says, "So, hey, you didn't tell Nancy about us." It's not a question, because he already knows the answer.

"Yeah, I have this weird fear that if I tell someone about it it'll stop happening." Geddy glances away from the hurt look Alex is giving him. "Or that we'll get to Vancouver and you'll tell me we should just stay friends."

"Are you serious? Ged, you're a once-in-a-lifetime score. You realize it's gonna be up to you to decide when we stop being 'us'? I'd have to be the biggest idiot in the entire world to put this at risk."

"Get a room, you two," Neil says with affection.

* * *

It takes them most of the day to get into Calgary, so the sun's long disappeared from the sky after dinner when Neil urges them to follow him out of the city. Geddy lets Alex keep driving, because he gets to study the perfect planes of his face. If Alex has noticed Geddy's watchful eye, he hasn't said anything.

"I thought Neil didn't like driving at night," Geddy wonders as they head down an unpaved, skinny road in what appears to be the middle of buttfart nowhere.

"Maybe he's secretly a serial killer, and his entire backstory was just a ruse so we wouldn't be suspicious."

Geddy sighs and shakes his head. "Neil isn't going to murder us."

"You don't know that."

"Neither do you. Yet you continue to drive."

"What can I say? I'm an optimist."

"An optimist who suspects one of our friends to be a murderer."

"I'm just considering it as a possibility. C'mon, Ged, you know I only say half the shit that comes out of my mouth just to make you laugh."

"Really?"

"Of course! You're a smart, funny guy, so if I can make you laugh I'm probably doing something right."

Geddy attempts to remember the countless times Alex has made him laugh, spanning over two decades of friendship, and he feels something quiver in his chest.

Neil leads them offroad onto a vast field that seems to stretch on for miles. "Oh my God," Geddy says as they slow to a stop. "Maybe you were right about Neil."

Alex laughs, and he's still making unattractive horse noises even as Neil approaches the driver's side window and knocks.

"Sometimes the aurora borealis shows up this time of year," Neil explains after Alex cracks the window. "Thought you might like to see it."

They wait in the warmth of the car until the lights appear in shimmering green arcs above them. Alex pops open the door and climbs out. "C'mon."

"It's cold," Geddy whines, despite the fact that Neil doesn't have the luxury of sitting in a warm car yet seems to be dealing just fine with the chill.

"I'll keep you warm."

Geddy can't argue with that, so he joins Alex in lying on the hood of the car and cuddles close. Alex wraps an arm around Geddy's shoulders, tucking him up against the warmth of his body as they stare up at the surreal, painted swirls.

Geddy leans his head on Alex's shoulder, and while Alex watches the sky, Geddy watches him. After a quiet minute or two, Neil says, "I'm gonna take off for a bit, see the sights."

Geddy throws a hand out at the expanse of nothing around them. "You can see it all from here."

Neil makes a face that suggests he's seriously questioning Geddy's intelligence. "I'm giving you two some alone time, loser. I suggest you take it."

A tiny, endearing smile tugs at the corner of Alex's mouth, like he's in on the joke. And Neil's got that baby smile going on, so maybe this is something he wants to give them, because it's one of the rare moments where he doesn't look like something's sucking out his soul.

"Alright, we'll see you, I guess," Geddy says, still utterly confused even as Neil and his motorcycle putter off into the distance. He looks at Alex. "Is this the part where the hired killer comes out of the woods?"

Alex snorts a laugh. "What woods?"

"That patch of trees way over there."

"You have a pretty loose definition of woods."

"Speaking of wood," Geddy teases, sliding a hand over Alex's thigh.

"This is exactly why Neil left us. Can't you take five minutes to appreciate the wonders of nature?" Alex says, feigning offense. Geddy stuffs his hand inside Alex's jacket. "But if you wanna fool around, go ahead. That's kinda why I asked Neil to give us some time alone."

"You what?"

"While you were sleeping this morning, I was talking to Neil and mentioned how I wanted to do something romantic for you. So I guess he did it for me."

Geddy blinks in awe at the neon sky and Alex's words. A random memory is suddenly triggered in his brain: It was a quiet night in Bordeaux, and Geddy and John were sipping wine and staring at the stars. The sky was unfettered by light pollution, so the stars were especially vibrant. Geddy managed to say something witty, he doesn't remember what, and John was laughing, and in that moment Geddy was more in love than he had ever been.

"The last time anyone did something like that for me was when John took me to France for my birthday," Geddy says. "He rented us a cottage on a vineyard for a week. At night we would go out on the porch and drink wine and watch the stars. I think that's where I came up with my dream of owning a vineyard." Geddy smiles sadly, suddenly filled with things he doesn't have words for.

"He was really crazy about you, huh?"

"Yeah..." Geddy doesn't realize he's shaking until Alex holds him tighter.

"Are you cold? We can get back in the car if you want."

Geddy attempts a deep breath, but his lungs spasm in a sob that seems to destroy the romantic mood Alex sought to create here.

"What's wrong?" Alex wonders, his voice imbued with concern so tender it makes Geddy flinch.

When he feels his voice will not betray him, Geddy says, "I've been such an asshole. John loved me, and I broke his heart. I loved him too, but it wasn't enough. That's why I couldn't—I couldn't have a real relationship again 'cause I didn't want to end up hurting them the same way."

"Hey, hey, c'mon, don't be so hard on yourself. If we're talking assholes, I'm the biggest one of all. Remember when I told you I never wanted you to wonder how I felt about you? I left Charlene wondering for years. For maybe ten, fifteen years she's been doubting whether or not I loved her. And she was right for so many of those years, and I never had the courage or the respect to tell her. I was the shittiest husband in the world. I ran her off, then I had the nerve to be happy about it, and then somehow betrayed by it." Alex sighs and stares up at the lights. "I owe her so much. I owe her the biggest apology you can give someone you loved for so many years. I still do, just... not the way she deserves."

Geddy blinks away the wetness that has formed in his eyes. "You should tell her all of this. You've got nothing to lose. Maybe she'd be happy to hear it."

"Wise words from the guy who was too chickenshit to tell me he loved me."

"Shut up, I would have eventually."

"No, you wouldn't."

"I think I would have. Maybe at the very end of our trip, where we wouldn't have to spend days trapped in a car with each other and the awkwardness of a rejected confession hanging in the air. But I would've."

"Whatever you say, honey," Alex teases.

Eventually, they move back inside the car when the night air grows too cold, and they end up leaning against each other in the back seat. The quiet music flowing through the stereo is as smooth as the leather seats, and the heater has encouraged Alex to shed his jacket over the seat in front of him. Geddy draws indecipherable shapes over Alex's jean-clad thigh, and Alex breathes soft and slow into his hair, humming along to the song filling the car. This, Geddy thinks, is the most perfect moment he will ever know, and it doesn't seem fair that he and Alex get to have this after the destruction left in their wake.

Alex rubs Geddy's arm as though trying to warm him up. "Something wrong?"

"What?"

"You sort of... sighed in a particularly sad way."

"You're serious?"

"I know you."

Point taken. Geddy takes a breath in a way he hopes is nondescript. "We've broken hearts to get here. Sometimes it just doesn't feel right that we get to be happy."

"If we don't, then it's all been a waste." Alex tilts Geddy's chin so he'll look at him, then he's slotting their mouths together. It's achingly gentle, and Geddy still doesn't know how to handle it when Alex kisses him. Wherever he puts his hands, he just wants them somewhere else. It's like he wants to touch Alex everywhere at once. Alex seems content with holding Geddy's face, which is heady and overwhelming, and when Geddy pushes a hand underneath Alex's shirt, he feels the tense flex of Alex's fingers.

"It's okay if you want—" Geddy attempts to say around Alex's eager mouth. "You can—Whatever you're thinking..."

Alex bites at the corner of Geddy's mouth, sucking kisses over his jaw, marking him up like a canvas. His mouth is rough and raw, scraping Geddy's chin with his goatee, and Geddy shivers and hears himself make a pathetic noise of want when Alex's hands sneak underneath his shirt. Then Alex is hauling Geddy's shirt over his shoulders and savagely mouthing at the newly-exposed skin, and Geddy can't breathe with how much he wants this, every bit of it.

Geddy climbs into Alex's lap, and Alex gasps a stunned sound into the hollow of Geddy's throat. Geddy applies himself to opening Alex's shirt, tearing at the front with impatient hands. "I always thought the next person to do that to me would be a paramedic," Alex chuckles.

Geddy laughs, the sound shaking in his chest, and right now he loves Alex more than he has ever loved anyone, so he kisses him like he can't stop. Alex bites at Geddy's bottom lip as his hands climb his ribs and the curve of his spine. Alex proves himself infatuated with winding him up, catching Geddy's fingers as they push underneath his t-shirt. He kisses the slender bones of Geddy's hand, the thin skin of his wrist, then his mouth travels up the length of Geddy's arm until he settles his hand there on Alex's shoulder. Geddy is stricken with emotions he can't name, by just how much Alex seems to care for him. Alex tips his head up to look at him, and there is so much concern and love there, and Geddy just _can't_.

Alex sort of scoots down the seat, spreading his thighs wider for whatever Geddy wants to do. He rolls his hips, and Geddy can feel the insistent press of his erection through his jeans.

"Ged, I want..."

"I know." Geddy kisses his open mouth, hands tearing at the front of Alex's jeans until he can pull out his cock. Alex is hard and wet already, but Geddy can't resist rubbing the pad of his thumb over the leaking head, enough to make Alex groan and drop his head back against the seat.

Alex's hands find their way inside Geddy's jeans, sloping over the curve of his ass, then his thighs are bare before he even realizes it, and Alex is digging a condom out of his wallet and rolling it over his own cock.

"You're not s'posed to keep those in there," Geddy breathes out, shaking with how much he has wanted this for decades now. "They'll break."

"'S'probably how Charlene got pregnant with Justin." Alex laughs softly, his breath ghosting over the curve of Geddy's throat as his hands skim over his thighs.

Geddy finds Alex's mouth again, hands grasped around his shoulders, and Alex swallows his moan as Geddy eases down and crushes their hips together. Alex's cock is fairly average, unlike the rest of him, but it's been ages since Geddy has been taken apart like this, since someone's been buried balls-deep inside of him, full and solid, and gazing at him with rapt fascination.

Alex's fingers dig into his hips, warm and needy. "You okay?" he huffs, his chest heaving like this is too much for him, too.

"Never been better." Geddy nestles his hands in Alex's hair and leans into him, sways into the soft, gentle pushes of Alex's hips. Alex rocks into him like they have all night, like having sex in a car can be a slow, tender experience instead of the frantic rutting Geddy's used to. Alex's hands trace every line of him, his mouth a wet drag of sandpaper over his skin. His teeth catch a nipple, and Geddy shudders out a flare of breath, hands grasping Alex's hair. Geddy tilts his hips to adjust to their new rhythm, and he's shaking and tightening with every movement.

"Jesus, Ged," Alex breathes, his voice a rough whisper against the slope of Geddy's neck. "Do you know how long I've wanted you?"

Geddy whimpers and pushes against the slow roll of Alex's hips, pleading for a faster pace, because he's so close he can't stand it, and Alex's voice at his ear is fucking him up like crazy.

"How many times I've touched myself like this thinking about you?" Alex says, curling his fingers around Geddy's cock, hard and hot in his hand. Geddy chokes on a gasp of air as his hips stutter into Alex's fist and then rock back, tangled up between both sensations.

"Shut up," Geddy sort of yelps as Alex bites at the juncture of his neck. "You're gonna make me lose it."

"Isn't that the point?" With his free hand, Alex lifts Geddy's wrist to his mouth. "I wanna watch you come for me."

Fucking hell, Alex can't just say shit like that out loud and expect Geddy not to fall over the edge. Between the way Alex is jerking him and filling up his empty spaces and murmuring dirty things against his skin, Geddy never had a chance. He comes noisily, clutching at Alex's hair and shoulder as he shivers and groans his way through his orgasm. Geddy is dimly aware of Alex coming apart beneath him, recognizing those broken, shocked noises and the insistent dig of fingers against his thigh. Geddy's still clutching onto him, holding him so tightly every shudder shakes them both.

"God," Alex sighs, catching his breath as his hands, one of them tacky and wet, skim along Geddy's thighs. "I love you so much."

Geddy isn't used to hearing that in a sexual post-mortem, and he adds this to his ever-growing list of ways Alex continues to surprise him. He curls his fingers around the back of Alex's neck and says, "I love you too."

* * *

Later that night, they crash together on the hotel bed, and Geddy lets his thighs slide open under the careful push of Alex's hands, lets Alex do as he pleases with him. Alex is gentle and affectionate, kissing nearly every inch of Geddy's skin before his hands even reach his cock. Geddy squirms and twists and tugs insistently at Alex's t-shirt, and, without argument, Alex lets Geddy pull it over his head.

Geddy sucks in a startled breath, suddenly at a loss for what to do with all of this newly-exposed skin. His hands find the curve of Alex's spine, the playful pudge of his stomach, the breadth of his chest. "I love you," Geddy murmurs, tangling his legs with Alex's own, and it's acceptance, permission, a reminder all at once.

Alex's mouth is warm and sweet, and Geddy loses himself in his kisses. Once Alex can break away, he leaves the bed to retrieve a bottle of lube from his suitcase, and Geddy's so caught up in the logistics of how and why Alex has it that he sort of jumps when Alex pushes a slickened finger at his entrance. Alex works him open slowly and gently, despite the way Geddy rocks into his hand. He's sitting between Geddy's legs, stretching him open and just watching, biting at his lower lip whenever Geddy makes a noise or pushes into the stroke of his hand.

"You're so fucking beautiful," Alex sighs, pressing a kiss to the side of Geddy's knee as one finger turns into two. Geddy whimpers and lifts his hips, reaching out to grope at Alex's cock through his underwear, because he can see the strain of an erection against the fabric, and he knows Alex would feel so much better if he just spread him open and took him. Which, eventually, Alex does.

Geddy opens easily around him, his heels pushing against Alex's ass in a plea for more, but Alex works his hips in a slow rock and shift, despite the insistent dig of Geddy's fingers in his back. He captures Geddy's mouth again and again, catching one shaky breath after another. Geddy manages to whimper through his quick gasps, and Alex mouths hotly at his jaw, like he's getting off on the noises Geddy's making. Geddy has always been rather vocal in bed, gasping and shrieking and crying his lover's name like a benediction. John teased him about it, treated it like a fire to stoke, but Alex seems in awe of it, as though he can't believe anyone could ever respond this way to him.

Geddy pushes into Alex's hips, because everything is sharp and hot and he doesn't know how much longer he can hold out like this, spread open and full of him. He's losing every breath, but his hips keep moving, then Alex is pushing into him in just the right way, hard and deep and quick, and Geddy's hands slide down Alex's back as he loses himself completely in the shaky bliss of release. Alex buries a low groan into Geddy's hair as he comes, twitching and falling to pieces in Geddy's hands. Geddy holds him tightly until they stop shaking and their heartbeats slow.

Alex settles on top of him with care, and Geddy nestles his nose against the slope of Alex's neck. One of Alex's hands is still clutched around his thigh, his fingers uncertain and cautious. Geddy finds his hand there, resting his own over it, catching Alex's fingers and guiding them over his hip. Alex still seems apprehensive about touching Geddy, like he doubts he actually has permission.

"I never thought I'd get to have you," Alex says quietly, sliding his hand up the length of Geddy's body.

"But you do."

"It's just that easy?"

"Nothing's really been easy for us, so I figure we're due." Geddy lifts a hand to the side of Alex's face, his fingers snaking to the back of his neck and holding him there. He has twenty years' worth of kisses to give him, a two decade backlog of sex to catch up on.

After Geddy explains this, Alex smiles and says, "Then let's get started," winding an arm around his waist and pulling him in.


	8. Ceiling Unlimited

Over breakfast the next morning, Neil seems to have made a decision not to make eye contact with either Alex or Geddy, and it's difficult to have a decent conversation with someone when they're just staring intently at their hash browns and waffles.

"I don't feel up to a lot of driving today," Neil says, poking at the food on his plate with his fork. "So I'm gonna stay in the city and take a look around. You guys can go off on your own if you want."

"We don't mind sticking around," Alex says, and he hasn't been able to wipe the smile off his face all morning. A smile that Geddy is partially responsible for on account of this morning's blowjob.

Geddy studies Neil's face. He looks exhausted and more unhappy than usual. The dark circles under his eyes are more pronounced today, and there's a tired slant to his mouth. "Are you getting sick? It probably wasn't a good idea to drive around so long in the cold last night."

"You know what really wasn't a good idea?" Neil says, leaning in over the table. "Trying to sleep while you two screwed like rabbits for three hours in the next room." He spits the words through his teeth, and they come out chewed. "Between you"—he glares at Geddy—"shrieking like you're being murdered and you"—now Alex—"banging the damn headboard against the wall, it's a wonder I got any sleep."

"Hey, it wasn't always me," Alex protests, because of course that's the point here.

Neil gives them a hearty eyeroll and shakes his head.

"I thought you wanted us to have some alone time."

"Is it really 'alone time' when I can hear you?"

Geddy stares at the tabletop and tries to keep his blood vessels under control. "I'm sorry I kept you up. That's never really been something I had to worry about before."

Alex lifts an eyebrow, drizzling more syrup over his pancakes. "I thought you and John were into semi-public sex."

Geddy completely abandons the notion of fighting how his face goes red at the slightest embarrassing remark. "Well, yeah, but when you're in a bedroom, y'know, you tend not to think about someone being on the other side of the wall."

Neil sighs and says, "I hate both of you so much."

When Neil leaves the table a little while later, Alex turns to Geddy with a suggestively sleazy grin. "I've got a brilliant idea for today's itinerary."

"Let's hear it."

"Why don't we spend the day in the room?" Alex winks, as though Geddy couldn't figure out the implication there. "So by the time Neil goes to bed, we'll be too tired to keep him awake."

"I should've known your 'brilliant idea' would have something to do with your dick."

"You say that like you weren't begging for it last night. And you had it in your mouth this morning, so don't even act like you're too good for it now."

Geddy's gaze darts away from Alex's flirtatious smirk. "You're so gross. I don't even know why I like you."

"I think you do." Alex chuckles as Geddy's face heats up. "And I don't hear you suggesting anything better."

"We could explore the city."

"Seen it."

"I haven't."

"Well, you're not missing that much. Besides, this is the most exciting part of a relationship—the stage where you can't keep your hands off each other. You really wanna waste it walking around a city you could visit anytime?" Alex's playful expression drops off his face as though an invisible man has just whispered something horrible in his ear. "Unless... you've changed your mind about us and you're too nice to just come out and say it?"

Horror curls in Geddy's stomach. "No, no, of course not! I just thought we should do something together, y'know, since we're here. But your idea is good, too."

They make it back to the motel a little while later, where Alex does his best to level up his oral sex game. But he's constantly breaking away from sucking Geddy's cock to kiss the inside of his thighs, and Geddy's pretty sure he'll be scratched to hell from Alex's goatee by the time they get back to Toronto. Alex's tongue is a national treasure, innocently licking and teasing until Geddy makes a sharp noise of arousal and tightens his fingers in Alex's hair.

Alex may not have much technique here, but he kneels at Geddy's feet like he's worshipping at an altar, and every so often he opens his eyes and lifts his gaze to see how Geddy's responding to his clumsy mouth. Geddy only knows this because he's sort of addicted to watching Alex's mouth working around his cock, and each time their eyes meet he feels a twist in his gut that builds and builds until he just can't anymore.

With Alex, it never takes Geddy long to fall over the edge, but Alex doesn't seem to mind this perceived lack of stamina. He swallows down all Geddy has to give, and he does it with contented hums and a diligent tongue. "Fuck, you taste good," Alex breathes, licking his lips as he tilts his head up to look at Geddy. "I love it."

Geddy smiles and lays his hands on either side of Alex's face, tenderly urging him up. "You're just saying that 'cause it's your turn now."

"Do I sound that insincere?" Alex goes willingly, rising to his feet and climbing over Geddy to capture his mouth. Geddy grins around the kiss and snakes his arms around Alex's shoulders. He still can't believe any of this is really happening. "Stop laughing so I can kiss you."

"I'm sorry. I just—Could you slap me really hard?"

"Wow, Ged, I never knew you were into that kind of thing."

"No," Geddy moans through laughter, covering his face with his hands. "I mean, all of this feels like a dream. Being with you... I've dreamed about this for a long time—"

"But I probably never looked like a fat slob in your dreams."

"Actually, yeah, you have, dickhead." Geddy smacks him lightly on the arm. "I've always thought you were beautiful, even when you didn't." Alex settles on top of him, gingerly, as though he's actually in danger of crushing Geddy, and kisses him. Geddy pulls him in tighter, wraps his legs around Alex's hips. "Will you do something for me?" he asks around Alex's eager mouth.

"You still want me to slap you?"

Geddy laughs. "No, I want you to get naked."

"In broad daylight? I think there are laws against that."

Geddy pushes his hands underneath Alex's shirt, skimming over his sides and noting the way Alex sort of shivers at the touch. "Mm, then we're gonna be wanted criminals pretty soon."

"'We'?"

"Well, I'm aiding and abetting your nudity," Geddy says, his hands sliding up the planes of Alex's back. "I'm basically driving the getaway car."

"And the car in this metaphor is my dick?"

"I think you lost sight of my main point here."

"Which was, what, you wanting me naked?" Alex says with love, stealing another kiss. He grinds his hips into Geddy's own, and Geddy can feel how hard he is. Geddy tears at the front of Alex's jeans, stripping them down his legs and gliding his hands over the back of his thighs. Alex makes a contented noise against Geddy's mouth and ruts forward. "Shit," he huffs, "you could probably make me come without even touching my dick."

"Sounds like a challenge."

"Not everything is a competition, y'know," Alex scolds, at which Geddy rolls his eyes and attempts to pull Alex's shirt over his head.

"Shut up and get naked."

"I knew you only wanted me for my body."

"Just a minute ago you were complaining about being a fat slob. I'm starting to think you know you're hot shit and just play the 'I'm so fat and gross' card for sympathy points." Geddy successfully pulls off Alex's shirt and discards it somewhere on the floor. "I'm on to you."

"Ooh, please?" Alex grins. "I love it when you're on top."

Geddy scoffs and pushes at Alex's shoulder, and Alex rolls onto his back. Geddy climbs on top of him, gleefully sticking his hand into Alex's underwear and toying with his cock. "You're hard for me already?" he coos, rubbing his thumb over the head.

"It's a safe bet I'm always hard around you, mostly 'cause I'm thinking about bending you over."

Geddy chokes on a breath, his stroke momentarily stopping while he remembers what it's like to give himself over to Alex's hands. "You don't like looking at me?"

"I like lasting longer than ten seconds."

"Mm, your lack of stamina makes me feel better about my own." Geddy folds over Alex and kisses him, swallowing his moans while he jerks him slow and easy. He's tuned in to the soft breaths and pleas Alex makes against his mouth, so it takes him a moment to notice the shrill electronic peal coming from the foot of the bed.

"What the fuck is that?"

"I think that's my phone." Alex moves to sit up, and Geddy slides out of his lap.

"Please tell me you're getting up to throw the damn thing against the wall."

"Hey, it might be important." Alex finds his jeans discarded on the floor and digs through the pockets while Geddy takes a moment to admire Alex's partial nudity. Geddy expects Alex to shut the phone off and climb back into bed with him, but he actually answers it. "Hello?" A smile of warm recognition spreads across his face. "Hey! How are you? Everything okay at school?"

Geddy figures it must be Adrian on the other end. With deductive skills like that, he ought to become a private investigator.

Alex chuckles. "Did he actually call it that, or are you being a smart-ass?" He drops onto the bed beside Geddy and curls an arm around him. "I think the 'crisis' part is a bit of a misnomer. I'm actually happier than I've been in a long time." Adrian says something that makes Alex laugh. "Have you and your brother been talking about this?" There's a long pause, then Alex says, "Well, tell Justin to pay up," and winks at Geddy. He covers the receiver with his palm and says, "Justin bet Adrian twenty bucks we wouldn't get together on this trip. Talk about backing the wrong horse."

It makes sense why Justin would see it that way. He'd moved out long before Alex's feelings for Geddy created fissures in his marriage. But Adrian was in the middle of it all, and maybe he was perceptive enough to pick up on how they felt about each other. Alex doesn't seem surprised that his kids have discussed this possibility between themselves, however, which raises the question of whether they've actually talked about it with him.

"No, we're in Calgary right now," Alex says, pressing the phone to his ear. "We're just sorta screwing around today."

Geddy buries his face in the pillow, because of course Alex would phrase it that way.

Adrian seems to be familiar with his father's questionable word choices, because whatever he says makes Alex laugh and answer, "Well..." Then he's chuckling again. "Yeah, he's right here. Which really isn't helping my case, but I think you're old enough to know what grown-ups do when they love each other."

Geddy's not going to blush and titter like a schoolgirl just because Alex said he loves him. He's not.

Alex's eyes widen a bit. "Well, yeah, of course," he says, like whatever Adrian asked was the stupidest question ever uttered by a human being. "Oh, absolutely. It's pathetic." He laughs again, and Geddy can't help but smile at the sound of it. "Alright, alright, here, talk to your new dad," Alex says before handing the phone to Geddy.

"God, I can't believe he said that," Geddy sighs into the phone.

"I can't believe you're actually sleeping with my dad," Adrian says.

"Yeah, about that... I'm sorry if this is weird for you." Geddy pulls the sheets up around his waist, suddenly uncomfortable with his own nudity.

"Dude, shut up. It's awesome. I mean, it _is_ weird, but in a good way. I can't remember the last time Dad sounded this happy. Whatever you're doing—please spare me the details—but keep doing it."

Alex drops kisses along the curve of Geddy's shoulder. Geddy does his best to stay still and not let his breathing hitch, because he doesn't want to scar Adrian for life by moaning into the receiver like a phone sex operator.

"Oh, and if you break his heart," Adrian continues, "I'll kick your ass."

Geddy chuckles. "I've been in love with your dad longer than you've even been alive. I don't think you have to worry about that."

"Holy shit. You guys are serious. This is awesome."

"I'm really kinda surprised you're okay with this."

"Are you kidding? If Dad ended up with anybody else, it had to be my cool sort-of uncle."

"Apparently your brother doesn't think so."

Adrian scoffs. "He just didn't think it would happen. When he told me you guys were on a road trip, I bet him twenty bucks you two would go gay for each other, 'cause what the hell else is there to do on a cross-country drive through Canada? It's not like there's a lot of shit to see, and you're trapped in a car for most of the trip, so you'd have to talk about your feelings eventually."

"That's... almost exactly what my plan was here," Geddy says. Alex chooses that moment to take Geddy's earlobe between his teeth and slide his hand under the sheets. Geddy yelps and jerks the phone away from his ear. "You wanna keep it in your pants while I'm on the phone with your son?" he hisses, at which Alex leans in to bite at his chin. Geddy makes a quiet noise of protest but lets Alex scrape his teeth over the line of his jaw.

Geddy pushes Alex away, and says, "I'm sorry, your dad's bothering me," into the phone.

"Gross. You should carry a spray bottle around and just squirt him when he misbehaves."

"I'm not gonna discipline him like he's a dog," Geddy says, and immediately covers Alex's mouth with his hand to ensure the inevitable joke stays within his head. Alex grumbles muffled protests and reaches for the phone. Geddy sighs. "I think he wants to talk to you again."

"Alright, whatever, put 'im on."

Geddy gives the phone back to Alex, who immediately tells Adrian, "Hey, so this should probably go without saying, but don't tell your mom about me and Geddy, alright? Please?" Alex pouts at whatever Adrian says. "I know, I know, but I really think she ought'a hear it from me first... Thanks, I appreciate it." He slides a hand under the sheet and squeezes Geddy's hip. "Well, listen, Geddy can't seem to keep his hands off me, so I think I'll let you go before we scar you for life."

"Asshole," Geddy laughs, and Alex just grins at him.

"And thanks for checking in on me, even if it was just to make twenty bucks," Alex says. "Love you. Bye." He hangs up and drops the phone onto the night table before stripping the sheets down Geddy's legs and sliding his warm hands over his bare thighs.

"Thanks for telling your son I'm the sex-crazy one in this relationship," Geddy says, pretending to be annoyed. "Which, by the way, is a total lie."

Alex pushes Geddy's thighs apart and insinuates himself between them. "Are you joking? Almost all the sex we've had has been 'cause you started it. You blew me first, then last night you rode my dick in the back seat of your car, which led to the cavalcade of boning that Neil was complaining about. And, oh yeah, you blew me this morning, too, and before Adrian called you were trying to get me naked."

Geddy scowls up at him. Alex just smirks and rests his chin on Geddy's bent knee.

"I think it's awesome," Alex says. "I mean, look at me. When I lie down I look like a melted candle, so—"

Geddy bursts into laughter at that mental image, and, oh God, he can't stop, and Alex is laughing too in between the kisses he's pressing against the tender skin of Geddy's inner thighs, and Geddy remembers how he used to steal sips from Alex's beers and wine glasses just to feel the lingering warmth of his mouth. But now he has it for himself, soft and wet and warm around his cock, and all he can do is thread his fingers through the hair at the back of Alex's neck and sigh.

* * *

"So... maybe we should eat something," Alex says, still breathing hard from his orgasm. They're lying together in bed, tangled amongst the sheets and blankets and each other's legs. The sun is beginning to set over the city, casting a soft, warm glow on the bed through the window.

Geddy sighs in absolute contentment and brushes his fingers over Alex's chest. "Mm, no." This is everything he's ever dreamed of having, just being with Alex in a space where nothing and no one can touch them but each other. "I like this."

"If we keep going, I won't be able to get out of bed in the morning. You'll have to carry me around, and I don't think you've got the upper body strength."

"Another fat joke?"

"It was more a joke about you having spindly arms," Alex says, trailing the tip of his index finger along the line of Geddy's arm.

"So now you've moved on from making fun of yourself to making fun of me?"

"I joke because I care."

Geddy hums a happy sound and flicks his thumb against Alex's nipple. There's a sharp intake of breath, and Alex wriggles in the sheets, desperate for more of Geddy's touch, and Geddy's happy to comply. He opens his mouth around the sensitive nub, and Alex arches his back and moans.

"You are absolutely the sexiest man I've ever been with," Geddy says with sincerity, his fingers splaying across Alex's doughy middle. "And probably ever even looked at."

Alex chuckles and covers Geddy's hand with his own. "I dunno about that. John was pretty ripped."

"John tried too hard. Don't you remember? 'Get out of its way, and perfection will come on its own.'"

Alex's smile never fails to make Geddy's heart trip over its beats. He laces their fingers together, and Alex's thumb brushes over Geddy's knuckles in a way that's impossibly tender. "We should take another trip sometime. But maybe with less driving. You ever been to Rio?"

"I try to avoid going places I can't drive to. Planes are dangerous."

Alex gives him a pouty look with angry eyebrows. "I can't even begin to explain how wrong you are."

"You're a pilot, so of course you're gonna be a little biased."

"It's not a matter of bias, Ged. It's facts. You're 65 times more likely to die in a car than a plane. Literally the most dangerous part of flying is the drive to the airport. The only reason flying seems dangerous is 'cause the news reports every incident. They can't do that with car accidents 'cause there wouldn't be time to talk about anything else."

Geddy never really thought about it that way before. "Well, shit..."

"How can you think airplanes are dangerous when I've survived every single plane ride I've been on over the last twenty-plus years?"

"Well, if this is a serious offer to take me on vacation sometime, I guess I wouldn't mind a trip in a giant metal death tube."

"You've flown before, you fool. Didn't you go to France with John?"

"I did, and he made fun of me for being afraid of some horrible air-related disaster."

"Probably because they're like a combination lock. A lot of factors have to be present to cause a disaster, and if you remove even one, there's no disaster." Alex squeezes Geddy's hand. "Trust me, babe, I'm an expert."

"You just want an excuse to have sex with me in an airplane bathroom."

"Have you seen the size of those things? I can barely fit in there. Besides, the Mile High Club's overrated anyway."

"So you've actually done it?"

"No, but you don't always need to do something to know it's not all it's cracked up to be," Alex says, his other hand carding through Geddy's hair. "Besides, Charlene refused to fly."

"Are you serious?"

"For our honeymoon, we just stayed at a super-fancy hotel in Toronto."

"So your kids have never been to Disney World?"

"Oh, they have. Charlene wouldn't go, though."

"Why would you marry a pilot if you refuse to fly?" Geddy wonders.

Alex volleys back with, "Why would you date one if you're afraid of flying?"

"Hey, at least I'm willing to try. But I'm not having sex with you on a plane."

"Fair enough." Alex hums in contentment as Geddy's hand glides over his thigh, and his hole is still slick with lube from their previous bout, so that's where Geddy goes next, easing two fingers inside and enjoying Alex's pleasured grunt. "Ged, I got nothin' left," he moans, lifting his hips into the stroke of Geddy's hand. "The well has gone dry." He bites his lower lip when Geddy's fingers tag his prostate, and laughs to himself. "This is actually the first time I've had so much sex I just can't anymore."

"And it only took you almost fifty years."

"Better late than never."

Geddy wants to see how far he can push this, if he can make Alex come even after they've lost count of their orgasms today, but a brisk knocking at the door interrupts them.

"God damn it," Geddy grumbles with a sigh. "What's the point of a 'do not disturb' sign if no one bothers reading it?"

"Then that must be Neil." Alex slides out of bed and snags a robe from the bathroom, concealing his nakedness. "Ow, ow, oh, shit, I'm already starting to feel it," he whines, and his gait is impaired by the soreness in his muscles. He staggers to the door and pulls it open.

Neil is standing on the other side, frowning at Alex's sex hair and the numerous red hickies that have bloomed on his throat. The robe probably isn't helping matters either, because no one answers the door in a robe unless they're about to shoot a porno.

"I'm trying really hard not to think about what you two have been doing in here," Neil deadpans.

Alex leans against the doorframe like he's trying to seduce Neil. "There's room for one more."

"I was wondering if you wanted to go out to dinner," Neil says, ignoring Alex's ridiculous advances.

Alex puts a hand to his chest and gasps. "I'm flattered, Neil, really, but I'm already seeing someone."

Neil makes a noise that might actually be a laugh, because he tries to cover it up by wiping his hand over his mouth. "'You' as in you and Geddy, you simpleton."

Alex is grinning when he glances across the room at Geddy. "What do you think, Ged?"

"Neil, what do you wanna do?" Geddy asks.

Neil sort of shrugs. "I've been out all day, so I'd really like to just order pizza and relax in my room, but if you guys want—"

"That sounds good. Maybe we could hang out together and watch TV or somethin'."

Neil smiles, like he's genuinely touched by the notion that Geddy and Alex want to spend time with him. "Yeah, I'd like that."

* * *

"This movie is awful," Neil announces, an hour into Twister. The trio is huddled together in Neil's room watching TV. Alex and Geddy are sitting on the bed, while Neil has pulled up a chair to join them. Alex has commandeered the pizza box, playfully slapping Geddy's hand each time he reaches for a slice.

"What was with the '90s and their raging hard-on for disaster movies?" Alex says.

"CGI pretty much ruined everything," Geddy says with a sigh. "So many hack screenwriters think if they cram their movie full of spectacular visuals it'll distract the audience from the boring characters and paper-thin plot."

"How did you even survive four years in Hollywood?"

"I've tried to block it out."

Neil steals a slice of pizza before Alex can stop him. "Why is the tornado vengeful?" he wonders, staring at the screen with a confused expression. "Was this originally a serial killer movie, and they just rewrote it to cash in on the disaster movie trend?"

"While turning it into an actual disaster," Geddy says.

"I feel like it would've been a more interesting movie if they made it about the game Twister," Alex points out.

"I still can't get over that they actually said the guy can read the tornado's mind. A tornado isn't a sentient being. It's a force of nature. You can't read its mind because it doesn't have one!" Neil shakes his head and chews for a moment.

A few minutes later, another tornado is wreaking havoc onscreen. "How many tornadoes can there be in one day?" Geddy wonders, throwing out his arms in disbelief. "God, this movie sucks."

"Ha!"

Geddy groans and slumps further onto the bed, like Alex's terrible sense of humor is giving him an ulcer.

By the time the movie's over, the pizza has been devoured, and Neil is drinking from his flask like the world's classiest alcoholic. Geddy and Alex are sort of slumped against each other on the bed while Alex flips mindlessly through the TV channels. "There's nothing good on," he whines.

"And that suck-fest we just sat through was?" Neil asks, lifting an eyebrow.

Alex laughs, because he genuinely enjoys awful jokes. He switches off the TV and says, "Alright, let's do something else. We could play poker again."

"Not with Mr. Competitive," Neil scoffs with a glance at Geddy.

"Am I really that bad?" Geddy looks to Alex for reassurance.

Alex smiles in a pained sort of way and rubs Geddy's arm. "Look, let's not dwell on the negative. There's plenty of other great things I love about you."

So that's a yes, then. Awesome. "I can try to play like a normal person."

Alex moves to get up. "I think we should give Neil his space."

"You don't have to leave," Neil says. "I like your company."

"So you actually like something else besides birds?"

Neil takes a long drink from his flask and twists the lid closed. "Being by yourself is good, but sometimes you need other people." He stares at the decanter in his hands. "I've been thinking about going home again, what it'll be like. I don't want to go back there, but I know I have to, even if it's just to sell the place and start over."

"Starting over is good," Alex says, reassuring.

Neil nods. "Sometimes it feels like a slight to them and what they mean to me. But in order to start over, I have to let go... And when I think about letting go, I feel guilty, and it's like losing them all over again."

"That's no way to live," Geddy says quietly, fearing Neil might lash out at him.

"Oh, I know. The tortured protagonist is a literary cliché, and while he might make for a heart-rending story, there's no honor in being him." A small smile forms at the corners of Neil's mouth. "I'm a fucking mess right now, but I won't always be. Someday I'll be okay. And as much as it will hurt to let go, I know it will hurt more to hold on. They wouldn't want that for me."

Neither Alex nor Geddy know how to follow that, and Neil seems to realize he's a bit of a downer, because he looks at them and asks, "What are you going to do when your trip is over?"

They look at each other, unsure of how to answer, because they've never talked about this yet. But now is as good a time as any, so Geddy says, "Well, I guess we'll start over. Together." Alex smiles and laces his fingers with Geddy's own. "I've had this long-standing dream of owning a vineyard in France, but maybe I could scale that down a bit and just open a wine shop in the city. I'm somewhat of a hoarder, so I could probably start by selling all the bottles I've collected in my cellar."

"Hey, that's new," Alex says. "How'd you come up with that?"

"I just thought it might work better for you."

"Ged, I'll follow you anywhere. Whatever you wanna do, I'll support you."

"Well, the good news is we don't have to figure this stuff out yet," Geddy reminds him. "Let's just get home first."

"We're still going to Vancouver, right?"

"Is there something there you wanna show me?"

Alex shrugs. "We're about ten hours away. Might as well make it there."

"Vancouver's nice," Neil chimes in. "You'll like it."

"You've been?"

"Briefly. I did a book tour there a few years back. The West End has some really magnificent scenery."

"Then that's where we'll go," Alex says, flashing Geddy an optimistic grin.


	9. Earthshine

Neil wakes them up bright and early the next morning, cheerfully rapping at their hotel room door. Geddy groans a long, pained noise and pulls the blankets over his head. "It's six in the morning," he drones into his pillow. "What is wrong with him?"

Alex chuckles sleepily, disentangling his limbs from Geddy's own. "Mm, you're dating a morning person now. Get used to this."

Geddy loves the way Alex's voice sounds when he wakes up, scratchy and rife with sleep. "You've never woken me up at six in the goddamn morning."

"Not yet."

Another sprightly knock.

"Make him go away," Geddy begs, snaking a hand underneath Alex's t-shirt to rub his belly. He has discovered that, when rubbed the right way, Alex responds to this much like a dog might, and his resulting leg twitch is hilarious and adorable.

"Alright, alright," Alex says through soft laughter. He flops out of bed and makes his way to the door.

"Rise and shine," Neil says once they're face-to-face.

"I thought you wanted to get some sleep."

"I did. Which, thank you, by the way."

"It's six a.m!" Geddy sort of shouts, though it's muffled by the pillow.

"It's also about a ten-hour drive from here to Vancouver, so it's probably a good idea to get an early start," Neil reminds them.

Geddy whines and smashes his face further into the pillow, as though doing so might make Neil disappear.

"I'll drive, Ged," Alex says, then in a quieter voice to Neil: "I'll give him a blowjob and some coffee, and he'll be good to go."

"I really did not need to know that," Neil says, and Geddy can _hear_ the frown there.

Alex grins and says, "Give us half an hour." Geddy hears the door close, then Alex is dropping next to him on the mattress. "Would you like the blowjob or the coffee first?"

As tempting as both of those are, Geddy would really prefer to steal an extra hour of shut-eye. "Sleep."

"Not one of the options." Alex attempts to unravel the mess of blankets and sheets Geddy currently has wrapped around his body like the world's most confusing burrito. "I know I'm not an expert yet at sucking you off, but how else am I supposed to practice?"

Geddy pries open one eye, watching Alex try to unwrap him as though he is a present, and Geddy remembers that this is the man he has loved for over twenty years, and someone who has quite possibly loved him just as long.

He lets Alex give him the blowjob first.

* * *

Alex drives when they get back on the road, because Geddy's still sort of sleepily hungover, and Alex's talk of how dangerous cars are made somewhat of an impact on him. He sips at his second coffee of the morning and watches the world roll by, trying not to think of how many hours it will take to get to Vancouver.

Apparently, all Alex needs to stay annoyingly chipper and alert is a can of Red Bull and some donuts, the latter of which he makes Geddy tear into bite-sized pieces and feed to him so he can eat and drive.

"Are we sure that's not gonna make your heart explode?" Geddy wonders, suspiciously eyeing the Red Bull can.

"I have mandatory health check-ups every two years. I'm as healthy as a horse."

"Why is that even a thing? Was there a point in history when horses were considered the epitome of health?"

"You could ask Neil. He seems to know stuff. Besides, these things only have about as much caffeine as a cup of coffee, and you're working on your second one right now, so shut your mouth and let me have nice things."

"I let you have nice things non-stop yesterday," Geddy reminds him. "Which still brings me to my point: when was your last check-up? 'Cause I feel like your health might have taken a downturn since the whole separation thing."

"Oh boy, I always wondered what it'd be like to date my mom," Alex jokes. "Don't worry about me, Ged. I went to the doctor last month, everything's fine. The psych test, however..."

Geddy scoffs a laugh and playfully shoves him.

"Wasn't John a shrink? He must'a been loads of fun."

"Yeah, he psychoanalyzed me a lot, but towards the end I guess he sorta gave up trying to figure out what was wrong with me."

"I'm sure he enjoyed a challenge, but you were just a little too much."

Just for that, Geddy steals for himself the donut piece he was about to offer Alex. "Prick," he says good-naturedly.

"Did he ever nail down a reason you hate your brother, or was that beyond him too?"

"I don't hate him," Geddy says slowly.

Alex lifts his eyebrows in a particularly incredulous way. "You call him 'Darth Allan'."

"That doesn't mean I _hate_ him. I just think he's a smug asshole who was possibly reconstructed by evil droids."

"I can only imagine how you talk about people you really hate."

Geddy sighs and takes another donut piece.

"Did you ever like him?" Alex asks. "I mean, Justin and Adrian had their problems, but they never outright hated each other."

Geddy knows there must be at least one good memory of Allan, but he can't remember any of them. "It was easier when Dad was around. But after he died... maybe my mother gravitated towards Allan 'cause he was the oldest and seemed like the son least capable of disappointing her. Or maybe Allan felt like it was his duty to be the man of the house in Dad's absence, which of course gave her even more reason to be proud of him in a way she would never be for me. And I'll never have a 'real' marriage or children of my own, so..."

"Shouldn't you be pissed off at your mom for picking favorites?"

"It's not that simple."

"Well, duh, clearly you hate yourself a little bit, too, but you're projecting it onto Allan 'cause he has all the things you don't." Alex laughs. "Could you be any more of a stereotype?"

Geddy rolls his eyes and flips Alex off. Alex sticks his tongue out at him.

"When was the last time you talked to Allan?"

"Let's see... when did I call you from LA lamenting about him setting me up on dates?"

Alex nearly slams on the brake. " _What_? That was, like, two years ago! Why can't you just call him up and apologize?"

"We're not exactly a family of communicators, Lerxst."

"It's just one conversation. All you have to do is say you're sorry. Y'know, he probably feels the same way, too, so you'll both end up shrugging and saying 'let's just call it even.'" Alex sighs, mindlessly tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. "What does your mother think of all this?"

"She's not exactly thrilled..." Geddy has literally been phoning in the last couple holidays and birthdays to prevent any awkward reunions with his brother.

"So you'd be fixing two relationships at once by just attempting to apologize to him," Alex points out. "If he doesn't accept, well, that's his loss, but at least you'll know you tried."

Geddy stares at the mountains and lush scenery breezing past them outside the window. After a moment of contemplation, he says, "Alright. When we get back home, I'll try to make things right."

"Wow, really? No 'I'll never join the Dark Side' bullshit?"

Geddy has held onto this grudge against Allan for so long because it lets him absolve himself of any responsibility for how his life has turned out. Apologizing to Allan means no longer blaming him. "Well, I have you now. Things are good for me. The past may have been a bust, but at least the future is promising."

"I didn't expect to be a good influence on you," Alex says. "I figured it'd be the other way around."

"And here I am corrupting you."

"In all the best ways. Most of them related to your dick."

Geddy smiles to himself and gazes out the window. He can feel things shifting inside of him, a sense that his life will be different now.

* * *

They make it into Vancouver around seven p.m., and Neil directs them to a Japanese restaurant with a dazzling second-story view of the city's nightlife. Neil is terrifyingly worldly, enough to actually place his order in Japanese, which takes Geddy and Alex entirely by surprise.

"Have I ever told you how much you frighten me?" Alex says, pouring himself a glass of sake. "How do you even know Japanese?"

"I travel a lot," Neil says, like that explains everything. "And in order to have an experience worth writing about, you usually have to stay long enough to pick up basic language skills. At least enough to order in a restaurant."

Alex shakes his head and downs his glass. "You're a constant surprise, man. I never know what you're gonna do next."

"Most people who know me say I'm rather predictable." A fond smile spreads on Neil's thin lips. "Jackie used to say I was kind of boring."

"How long were you married?"

"Twenty-seven years this year."

"Wow, was there something in the water in '75? That's how long I was married, too," Alex says with a small chuckle. "Or I would be, at least." He notices that Geddy has been quiet, so he glances over and says, "Sorry, Ged, somehow Neil and I just keep talkin' about stuff you have no experience with."

What an odd thing to apologize for, Geddy thinks. "Yeah, how dare you have friends other than me." But that might have been a point of contention between Alex and Charlene, the other friend in question being Geddy himself.

Geddy still doesn't know how to handle Alex's divorce. While part of him knows he's not responsible for the cracks in their marriage, the more irrational side of him can't help but feel that if he'd never moved back into that house, maybe they would still be together, and they'd be happy. This thought throws him into a bit of a funk, and he spends the next minute or two staring out the window at the twinkling headlights and neon signs below until Alex slings an arm around his shoulder.

"Make them bring our food faster," Alex whines, half-joking. "I'm starving."

"You're the one who ordered half the menu."

"I couldn't help it. I haven't eaten since we stopped at that gas station in Chilliwack."

"How is that my fault?"

"It's not. I'm just tryin' to get you to talk. You've been awfully quiet."

"Sorry." Geddy picks up his empty sake glass. "Alcohol makes me sleepy and sad, Lerxst. You know that."

"What are you sad about?" Alex wonders, seeming almost offended that something would have the audacity to upset Geddy.

"It's not important. Don't worry about it."

Alex slides a hand over Geddy's thigh. "Well, you're not gonna be too tired to... y'know, are you?"

Neil shakes his head like he's disappointed in both of them.

"If you touch me before the food arrives, we're gonna have a bad time," Geddy promises.

"And I'm pretty sure the restaurant has a 'no sex' policy," Neil says.

Alex just frowns and says, "I don't see a sign."

Neil makes a face.

"Just close your eyes and imagine you're somewhere else," Geddy suggests.

"I'm afraid to close my eyes around him."

By the time the food comes, Alex is ravenous, and he's popping takoyaki balls into his mouth like they're potato chips. He's also making some seriously inappropriate noises while he chews, which Neil finds particularly amusing. "Does he sound like that with you?" Neil asks, looking at Geddy with a small smirk at the corner of his mouth.

Geddy's face heats up at both the suggestion and the fact that Neil is asking, however jokingly, about his and Alex's sex life.

"Fuck off, Neil, I'm hungry," Alex says with his mouth full, moving on to sample the okonomiyaki next.

"You don't really want me to answer that question, do you?" Geddy thinks it's worth verifying.

Neil shakes his head and delicately pokes at his soba noodle soup with the chopsticks.

While Alex's mouth is occupied, Geddy thinks this is a good time to chat up Neil. "Now that you've reached Vancouver, where're you gonna go next?"

Neil chews thoughtfully and with great effort, dabbing at the corners of his mouth with a napkin to indicate that he will not be rushed. "My brother Danny lives around here, so maybe I'll stop in and see how he's doing. After that... I guess I'm going to keep driving. There's not much of a home for me to go back to."

"Shit, you might make it to Rio before we do," Alex says around bites of fried tofu.

Neil looks oddly interested in this. "You two planning a trip?"

"We were thinking about it, but it might be more prudent to go to France and check out some vineyards for Geddy's retirement plan."

"We don't have to do that," Geddy says. "I think I would be just as happy doing something more local, and you wouldn't have to relocate... or learn French."

Alex grins. "If we go to Rio, we can try sex on the beach."

"There are beaches here," Neil says, like he's making a helpful suggestion.

Geddy glares at him across the table. "Don't encourage him."

After dinner, Alex convinces Geddy to splurge on a suite since this is Neil's last night with them. Geddy doesn't mind shelling out the extra cash, because the room is spacious and the bed feels like sleeping on a cloud. Alex actually has to drag him off of the mattress so he doesn't fall asleep within seconds of lying on it.

Geddy takes a quick shower to wake himself up. When he's finished, Alex and Neil are sitting together on the couch, and Alex is typing something into his phone. Geddy eases into the space beside Alex and peers at the phone. "What're you up to?"

"Neil gave me his number so we can keep in touch."

"See, you're not as bad-looking as you think, Lerxst. You're still getting phone numbers."

Alex laughs, and Geddy never knew a sound could feel like home. "I already gave him yours," Alex says, answering Geddy's next question.

"Of course you have it memorized." Geddy makes himself comfortable and leans against Alex's shoulder. Alex winds an arm around Geddy's waist, holding him tightly.

Neil glances at them for a moment, and Geddy wonders what he sees there, if he resents their happiness. "It was really nice meeting you both."

"You're not leaving now, are you?" Alex asks.

"No, but I know how Geddy likes to sleep in." Neil smiles and sighs. "Would either of you mind if I included you in my next book?"

"No, but you have to mention my nine-inch cock," Alex says.

Geddy chokes on the laugh that bursts out of his throat. "Oh my God!"

Neil actually laughs, too, shaking his head in disbelief. "I can't see how that would pertain to the story."

"Did you forget how we kept you up the other night with our raucous love-making?"

Geddy buries his face in his hands, embarrassed that he's even listening to this conversation. "Neil doesn't have to know about our sex life to write a book."

Alex scoffs. "He does if he wants to write a good one."

Geddy playfully swats Alex's shoulder and peers around him at Neil. "You can write about me if you want, even if it's not very flattering. Is your next book gonna be about this trip?"

Neil nods. "I think it might be cathartic to write about what happened to me. But I still have plenty of miles to go."

"I don't think I ever really thanked you," Geddy says, because if Neil hadn't accompanied them, Geddy and Alex would probably still be awkwardly sorting through their feelings for each other.

But Neil is humbly clueless about his contributions. "For what?"

Geddy curls his hand around Alex's shoulder. "For this."

"I just gave you a little push. I didn't talk you into doing anything you weren't already planning on." The day Neil isn't self-effacing and gracious is the day the world spirals into the sun.

"Geddy didn't even do anything," Alex chuckles. "I was the one who said something."

"I would have!" Geddy protests. But maybe he wouldn't have said anything at all. Maybe he would have waited until the trip was over, until his feelings and yearnings solidified into a lead ball in his chest, and saying something would've been harder than ever, so he would have kept his mouth shut. He is stupidly grateful to Neil and Alex for getting them here.

"Of course you would have, sweetie," Alex says patronizingly, kissing the crown of Geddy's head. "Maybe in another twenty years."

One of the perks of upgrading to a suite is that there are two separate bedrooms, so Alex and Geddy don't have to worry about disturbing Neil too much. They lie in bed together, breaking off kisses every now and then to say something or just look at each other. Alex always ends up smiling and capturing Geddy's mouth, which makes Geddy smile and laugh, too, then the kisses fall apart and they're gazing at each other again.

"I'm really glad your kids are okay with this—with us," Geddy murmurs as Alex sneaks a hand underneath his t-shirt and traces the valley of his spine. "I wouldn't wanna come between you guys."

"Eh, they'd get over it." Alex's hand is warm and tender over Geddy's skin, and it makes him shiver. "Adrian was actually the one who suggested it, me and you."

"Really? Did he know you..." Geddy isn't quite sure how to phrase that, because he still doesn't know if Alex is attracted to men or if Geddy is simply the lone exception to the rule.

"He thought it would be a good idea. He said you were 'embarrassingly lonely' so I wouldn't have to fight off your hordes of suitors."

Geddy snickers, though part of him is saddened by the thought that even Adrian could see how empty Geddy's life has been until now.

Alex continues, "He said you'd probably like me 'cause you already like guys, and since we've been friends for so long... He thought we should give it a shot, at least. One date, and if it's too weird we'd go back to being friends."

Geddy's brow creases in disbelief. "Why didn't you?"

"It was too soon after the divorce. I figured you'd think I was just lonely and try to talk me out of it. Then I'd have to tell you how much I actually like you, and I thought it would scare you off."

"You could never scare me off."

"Well, I know that now," Alex says, rolling his eyes affectionately. "You've seen me naked and didn't run away screaming."

Geddy huffs and pushes his hand inside Alex's t-shirt, fingers skimming over his stomach. "Oh hush." He's fairly certain Alex's self-deprecating jokes are just a ploy to make him prove how attracted he is to Alex, but Geddy doesn't think it counts as manipulation when he'll happily screw Alex for free.


	10. Freeze

"Fuck," Alex huffs out, his body tense and shaking under Geddy's fingers as they move together, their hips joined in quick, frantic pushes. The first time they tried this, Geddy wasn't sure Alex would like it. But Alex takes his cock like a goddamn pro, his heels pushing at Geddy's ass in a silent plea for more. Whenever Geddy slows his pace, even for just a moment to fucking breathe, Alex whines and shoves his hips forward, trying to create a new rhythm.

"You're really into this, aren't you?" Geddy manages through fierce and urgent thrusts. Alex's hands dig into his back, and he's making broken, stunned noises with each shove.

"God, yes, fuck yes, you have no idea." His fingers press in deeper, nails scraping over Geddy's spine. Alex's cock is hard and tight, and Geddy's tempted to reach down and wrap his fingers around it, but Alex always swats his hand away when he does that, so instead he shifts one of Alex's knees up so he can plunge in deeper. Alex rewards him with a long noise of gratitude, and suddenly his hands are on either side of Geddy's face, pulling him in to kiss his gasping mouth. He lifts his hips to meet every insistent shove of Geddy's own, straining for the edge. But he's close; Geddy can tell by the way Alex is shaking and making soft little sounds against his mouth.

Then Alex's hands are moving, clutching desperately at every part of Geddy he can—his shoulder blades, the base of his spine, the curve of his ass—and he draws his knees in and comes, his voice raw and wrecked with need. It's impossible for Geddy to last very long after that, because Alex is so, so tight and burning hot inside, and his orgasm hits him so fiercely he thinks he's dying. A sharp, needy sound punches out of Geddy's throat as he crests, his fingers digging into Alex's hips, and Alex winds his arms around Geddy and pulls him close, holding him as they fall to pieces.

Geddy feels Alex's breath in his hair, then the warmth of his hand sliding up the back of his neck. They lie that way for a while until Alex says, low and shaky, "Did John ever let you do that?"

"Only on my birthday."

"No shit, really?"

"It was more frequently than that, but still less often than you'd think. He was more into dominating me." Geddy realizes how that sounds. "In a totally consensual, hot way. But I didn't really know how to ask for things I wanted. I felt like I'd be tempting fate, because John was way out of my league."

Alex makes a scoffing sound, his other hand spreading over Geddy's back. They lie together in the morning light, and Alex breathes soft and warm at Geddy's ear, occasionally tilting his head to press a kiss to his cheek. "I love you," he murmurs, and the words squeeze Geddy's heart like it's the first time all over again. "So, so much."

"You're just saying that 'cause of my nine-inch cock," Geddy jokes, burying his nose in the slope of Alex's neck.

"I think your measurement is off." Alex laughs when Geddy smacks his shoulder. "Why did that get a slap? I could've meant you're bigger than nine inches."

Geddy pushes himself up onto his elbows so he can look at Alex's gorgeous face. "Oh really? Is that what you were implying?"

"No, but you didn't _know_ that—Ow, don't poke my fat! I know that doesn't leave a lot of other places, but you can get creative."

Geddy covers Alex's grinning mouth with his own. "Why do I love you?"

"Beats the hell outta me."

By the time they get cleaned up and back into their sweatpants and t-shirts, Neil has already made himself comfortable on the couch with the TV switched on. He looks at them as they stagger out into the den. "Y'know, this might be a nice hotel, but the walls are still pretty thin."

Geddy feels the blood rush to his cheeks. He glares at Alex and says, "That was all you this time."

Alex just laughs. "We didn't keep you awake, did we?"

"No, you just made my breakfast want to come up, but I managed to drown you out with the TV."

"You ate already?" Geddy says, rubbing his sleepy eyes.

"If a hotel has a breakfast buffet, you can bet I'm willing to try it."

"A man after my own heart," Alex says. He follows Geddy to the kitchen area where he's digging out some leftovers from the tiny fridge. "You better step up your game," Alex teases, placing his hands on Geddy's hips and making him jump. "Neil and I seem to have a lot in common."

"I'm not gay," Neil insists.

"Neither am I!" Alex calls back. He chuckles and rests his chin on Geddy's shoulder, sort of latched onto him as Geddy reheats last night's dinner. "You gonna share that?"

"Maybe," Geddy says with a smirk. He starts brewing the coffee. "If you stop flirting with Neil."

Alex gasps like he's offended. "Neil, am I flirting with you?"

"You're coming on a little strong," Neil says.

Alex scoffs, his breath warm at Geddy's ear. "Oh, don't listen to him." He edges his hands underneath Geddy's shirt, skimming over his stomach. Geddy sort of jerks underneath his hands, still not used to this kind of affection from him.

"C'mon, share with me, Geddy," Alex begs. "If you don't, I'll end up getting those powdered donuts from a gas station, and you'll complain about how unhealthy they are, so it's really in your best interest to share. Besides, this was my food anyway."

"Once it's in the fridge it's fair game." Alex sighs a defeated noise, and Geddy can't help but laugh. "Did you really think I wouldn't share with you?"

"It crossed my mind, yeah."

"Idiot," Geddy says with love.

They settle in beside Neil on the couch for breakfast, sharing leftover sukiyaki. Alex kicks his feet up on the coffee table, his arm slung around Geddy's shoulders. "This is great," Alex says, plucking the plastic fork from Geddy's fingers and spearing a piece of beef. "It kinda feels like we're already home."

"And I guess Neil is our roommate?"

"I'm just pretending he's not here."

"You know, words hurt, Alex," Neil says.

Alex chuckles, resting his head on Geddy's shoulder. Geddy wrangles the fork back. "I can't wait 'til we get home and do this whole domestic thing for real," Alex says.

Geddy lifts an eyebrow. "It's not real now?"

"It is, but there's something about being away from home that makes everything feel surreal, y'know? Because you don't have to worry about anything. You can just kinda detach from your life and live in this fake, idyllic universe."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. That's probably how Vegas makes their money."

Alex steals the fork again for another bite. "Hey, y'know, since Neil's not gonna be here tonight, we can have a real date."

It takes Geddy a moment to realize they haven't actually had a proper date yet. The one day Neil gave to them they spent in bed. "You're right."

"We could make it a day-long date. There's some nice-looking beaches nearby."

"I'm not having sex with you on the beach."

"Did I say anything about sex?"

"You implied it," Geddy argues.

Alex huffs and looks at Neil. "Did you hear me say the word 'sex' at all or anything remotely suggesting it?"

"Your tone was pretty suggestive," Neil says.

"Why do you have to take his side?" Alex scoffs, shaking his head like he's disappointed with the world. "Well, Ged, if you object to the idea of beaches, there's plenty of wine shops around. We can pick up a few bottles for your collection. You hoarder."

It's true; Geddy really does have a problem. Alex steals another bite while Geddy's arguing with him. "Hey, that wine cellar is your fault," Geddy protests. "You're the one who introduced me to wine collecting."

"Yeah, I should've figured you'd get obsessive when I saw your baseball memorabilia room." Alex looks at Neil. "He's the only person I've ever met who has entire rooms showcasing his crippling hoarding disorder."

"Hoarding is oftentimes a coping mechanism for grief," Neil says to Alex, but he's looking right at Geddy.

This, however, isn't news to Geddy. "John may have mentioned that once or twice. But I'm not _that_ bad. It's just two rooms of very specific items. I'm not the kind of person who collects wine and never drinks it, and if I ever need some extra cash I can sell some of my baseball memorabilia. It's not hoarding; it's just collecting."

Neil lifts an eyebrow. "Keep an eye on him," he tells Alex. His mouth does a half-smiling sort of thing. He doesn't seem to be in any hurry to leave, which Geddy finds touching, in an odd way.

They spend a half hour on the couch, watching TV and feeding each other forkfuls of noodles. It feels like a little piece of heaven, and Geddy can't believe he gets to have this every day now.

Geddy turns his head and kisses Alex's flavorful lips. Alex grins and says, "You wanna get drunk?"

Geddy isn't sure what kind of reaction he's supposed to have to that except laughter. "What?"

"There's a distillery around here somewhere that gives out free samples."

"Pretty sure you can't get drunk off free samples."

"It's worth a shot." Alex is so goddamned beautiful and sexy and witty and fun. He is as bright as the sun, and Geddy is close enough to burn.

An obnoxious electronic ringing fills the air, and Geddy identifies the sound as that of Alex's cell phone. Alex slides off the couch and grabs his phone he'd discarded on the fold-out sofa last night. "Hello?" His expression almost immediately morphs into dismay, horror etched on his face. Panic churns in Geddy's stomach. "Oh, he did? ... Damn it, he wasn't supposed to—No, it's not like that! ... I swear, that's not what's going on. This is new."

Alex begins pacing the floor. "No! That's not how we—I'll swear on a stack of bibles if I have to. What do you want from me? How am I supposed to prove this to you?" He sighs, rakes a hand through his hair. "Look, I can—Why don't I just meet you and we can talk about this, okay? I'll tell you everything. ... Yeah? Okay, I can—I can be there tonight."

Geddy feels the earth drop out from beneath him.

"Alright, I'll see you then." Alex hangs up, and when he meets Geddy's worried gaze Geddy immediately looks away, like he's guilty of something terrible. He doesn't bother asking who was on the phone, because he already knows.

"I guess I jinxed it," Alex says with a forced chuckle. "Ged, I'm so sorry, but I'm gonna have to fly back to Toronto today. Charlene found out about us from Adrian, and I need to sort this out."

Geddy manages a nod. "You want me to drive you to the airport?"

"Jeez, no, it's way too far from here."

Geddy can't shake the worrying thought that Alex doesn't want to spend the extra time with him, because that's what Geddy's offering, more than just transportation.

But Alex runs a hand through Geddy's hair and kisses the top of his head. "Don't worry about it. You've got the room for tonight, so just enjoy yourself." He ducks into the bedroom to pack and change clothes, while Geddy feels raw and pulled apart.

"I wouldn't worry about it," Neil says offhandedly, attempting to be helpful. "Alex is probably just trying to do the right thing."

"What if the right thing is... not being with me? It can't be a coincidence that she called while we were talking about going home and living together."

Neil shakes his head. "We're so used to reading and watching stories with an interconnected narrative that we tend to draw correlations in our own lives. But real life rarely concerns itself with plot development or tying everything together. Alex said his son told her, right? So she would have called at that moment regardless of what you two were talking about."

That makes sense, but Geddy has always been somewhat of a dreamer, and believing in a higher power or a guiding hand—be it God or fate or destiny—adds a bit of mystery to the universe. But it's also majorly fucking him up right now, because fate might be telling them to pack it in here.

Alex emerges from the bedroom a few minutes later with his luggage. Geddy stands, awkwardly moving to help him out the door, and, Christ, it's like they're barely even friends anymore. "Can I kiss you goodbye, at least?"

Alex's nose crinkles when he laughs. "It's not goodbye. It's more of a 'see you later' kiss."

Geddy takes that as permission and closes the distance between them, covering Alex's mouth with his own. Alex's greedy hands clutch at Geddy's shirt for a moment before they break away. "We're still good," Alex reminds him. "This doesn't change what we are. I just—My divorce was full of all this infidelity stuff, and if Charlene thinks you and I were having an affair while I was married, she could really fuck me up. I want her to know exactly what this is between us and when it started."

Geddy nods in relief, absently toying with the buttons on Alex's shirt. "I love you," he murmurs.

"I love you, too," Alex says, like there could never be another way to follow that. He takes Geddy's face in his hands and kisses him again. It's soft and sweet and desperate, and Geddy wants to drown in it. "I'll call you when I get home, okay?" he says when their mouths are their own again. "Don't worry, Ged, everything's fine."

But it's not fine, because as Alex leaves Geddy doesn't know what to do next. This is the first time in ten days they've been apart, and it's probably going to take Geddy at least half as long to drive back to Toronto alone. He's trying very hard not to think about that, which isn't as difficult as it sounds, since Alex's sudden departure is the more pertinent issue.

Geddy hates the way Charlene seems to get under Alex's skin, like she broke something inside of him and Alex has to crawl off somewhere to deal with it. Even if he needed to go sort this out quickly, Alex has still left Geddy in a confused, hurt place where it feels like he's done something wrong.

Neil's voice comes as a surprise, because Geddy had forgotten he was even in the room. "Hey, you wanna get a drink?"

Neil is probably only offering as to not look like an insensitive asshole, but even knowing that, Geddy still finds himself moved by the effort. And he could really use the company.

"Sure."

* * *

"I thought you were leaving today," Geddy says, sipping idly at his beer.

Neil shrugs. "I can stick around for a bit. It's not like I have anywhere to be."

They're sitting in a sleek, trendy bar, getting drunk in the middle of the afternoon. Well, Geddy is getting drunk. Neil's just spiking his Coke with the occasional shot from his flask, presumably because he's the designated driver and can't afford to get hammered.

"You could visit your brother," Geddy says, suddenly feeling guilty about his own relationship with Allan.

"He doesn't know I'm in town. So it'll be a surprise."

"After that, where do you think you'll go next?"

"I have a friend who lives in California. Another motorcycle enthusiast. Maybe I could pay him a visit."

"That would be nice. How did you meet?"

"Through a book signing I did in Los Angeles. He owns a bike shop and offered me a discount." Neil jostles the ice in his drink with his straw. "I get the feeling you're only talking with me as a distraction tactic."

"Isn't that why we're here?"

"Maybe, but I didn't expect you to be so transparent about it," Neil says with a smile that lets Geddy know he's joking. "You're the kind of person who worries a lot, aren't you?"

"What tipped you off?" Geddy says grimly.

"From what I've seen, Alex really cares about you. Whatever's going on with his ex-wife, I wouldn't worry about it."

Geddy sighs and tries to collect his thoughts. "There's always been a sense of guilt under the surface, because it doesn't feel right that Alex and I get to be happy when we've hurt people along the way. Maybe it _isn't_ right."

"Everyone gets hurt sometimes, but we make the best of it. We keep going."

"C'mon, you're a smart guy. Doesn't it seem like we're profiting off of our exes' misfortune?"

Neil flashes him a tender look that lasts for a few seconds. "Y'know, oftentimes we're the only thing standing in the way of our own happiness."

"It just feels like a sign—"

"And I already told you there's no such thing. People misattribute meaning to things all the time. If it helps you out or gives you strength or courage, fine. If it doesn't, what's the point? It's all in your head anyway."

Geddy chuckles sadly and takes another drink. "I finally feel good and I have to feel guilty about it."

Later, Geddy expects Neil to drive them back to the hotel and take off on his bike, but instead he pilots the Mercedes into the West End and to English Bay, where there's an inukshuk statue standing tall against the cerulean sky and the glistening water. They grab lunch nearby and sit along the green, admiring the calm, lazy waves and the stone edifice.

"I don't get it," Geddy says after a moment of looking at the statue.

Neil huffs an amused sound. "You've never seen an inukshuk?"

"Not in real life." At Neil's questioning glance, Geddy adds, "I try not to travel anywhere I can't easily drive to. I have... sort of a fear of flying."

"Yet you're dating a pilot?"

"Alex has already pointed out the irony there," Geddy grumbles, because when are people going to stop making fun of him for that?

Neil takes a drink from his flask, as though he just cannot handle Geddy without alcohol in his system. "Y'know, inukshuk supposedly means 'likeness of a man.'"

Geddy squints at the statue through his glasses. "I guess I can see that. Like if you gave a kid a bunch of rocks and told him to build a man out of them."

"That's one strong kid if he can lift those." It's oddly surreal to hear Neil crack jokes, like watching what Doctor Doom does on his off days. Surreal, but refreshing, because Neil has come a long way from the stoic, monosyllabic answers he'd given last week.

"God, we've only known each other about a week," Geddy gasps in realization. "Can you believe it?"

"It feels so much longer."

"I know, and it's like—Hey, wait a minute!"

Neil smirks and gives Geddy a friendly nudge. "I meant it in a good way." He digs through the pockets of his leather jacket. "I was gonna share these with you and Alex, but I guess it's just you and me now." He fishes out two bent joints.

"Holy shit," Geddy exclaims. "You've been holding out on us."

"Since I'm likely going across the border tomorrow"—Neil offers Geddy a joint—"no time like the present, right?"

Geddy just stares at it like it might come to life in his hand. Neil produces a gold butane lighter from his jacket pocket and lights them both. He blows out a few puffs, exhaling a thin plume of smoke.

Geddy shrugs and says, "When in Rome," before taking a long drag on the joint.

"Or Vancouver."

Geddy breathes out smoky laughter and leans back against the bench. "I cannot think of a better way to end this trip."

"Yeah, ol' Neil isn't such a stick in the mud after all."

"I _never_ thought that."

Neil chuckles and takes another drag. "And I never thought you were a high-strung, closeted homosexual."

"I'm not closeted," Geddy argues instinctually, because there's no sense in denying that he's a tight-ass when most of his close friends have come to a consensus on the matter.

"Shut up and get high," Neil says with a smirk, and Geddy thinks that's pretty damn good advice.

They stay there until the afternoon light begins to fade into the soft pink hues of evening. The weed isn't as strong as whatever he and Alex smoked last week, so it unlocks Geddy's typical marijuana-fueled solipsism that Neil seems particularly interested in.

"Do you think alternate universes exist? Like, a separate universe exists for every potential decision you could possibly make? Maybe there's an alternate universe where Alex never got married. Or a universe where he never moved next door to me. A universe where I stayed with John." Geddy glances at Neil. "A universe where you never lost your wife and daughter."

Neil looks at the joint between his fingers. "Man, what's in this thing?" Geddy playfully hits him on the shoulder. Neil chuckles and takes another long drag. A clump of grey ash falls from the tip of the joint and settles in the grass beneath their feet.

"If that were true," Neil says, "wouldn't it make life meaningless? Because it wouldn't matter what you did. Decisions wouldn't be made by your own free will; those choices would've already been determined. Every decision would already be mapped out for you and everyone else. Your life would be inconsequential because there would be countless versions of you playing out each possible choice in exponential dimensions. You could cure cancer in one dimension, but there would be an infinite number of dimensions where you _didn't_."

"You've thought about this a lot, haven't you?"

"I've read my share of science fiction."

"You didn't really answer my question, though," Geddy says. "Do you think they exist? Because if they do, how would we know?"

"That, my friend, is the great mystery." Before Geddy can argue that Neil still hasn't actually answered the question, he poses one of his own: "Do you believe in God?"

Geddy sort of shrugs. "I guess I'm what you'd call a lapsed Jew. My father was the devout one in our family, but after he died my mother lost her faith. She couldn't understand why, if God existed, He would take her husband from her after all they had been through."

Neil gives him a curious look, so Geddy elaborates. "My parents were in a German concentration camp during World War II. After the war, they moved to Canada. Anyway, since my brother turned thirteen while Dad was alive, he had his bar mitzvah. I didn't, which, according to Jewish tradition, means I've never officially become a man."

"That explains so much," Neil says with a good-natured smirk.

* * *

They spend the rest of the night in the hotel room, sharing a pizza and watching TV. At some point, Neil retires to his bedroom and bids Geddy farewell in case their paths don't cross in the morning. Around eleven o'clock that night, Geddy is caught in the cusp between sleep and consciousness, dozing to the soft, dreamy sounds of music floating from the bedside clock radio, when his cell phone's digitized wail pierces the quiet like a siren.

He's still somewhat intoxicated from the day's consumption of liquor and weed, so it takes him a moment to pry his eyes open long enough to make locating and answering the phone possible.

The voice on the other end pours over him like molasses. "Is this the Rent-a-Stud hotline?"

"Lerxst," Geddy moans in sleepy, satisfied recognition.

"Oh, shit, I didn't wake you up, did I?"

"'S fine, 'm happy to hear your voice."

"Did you get drunk?" Alex snickers at Geddy's noise of protest. "I know what you sound like when you're wasted."

"Neil's got some good stuff."

"Is he still there?"

"Yeah, I guess he's leaving in the morning. You had me worried, y'know. You said you'd call when you got home."

"Oops," Alex chuckles. "Well, I didn't even get on a flight until about four, then when I got home Charlene wanted to talk to me immediately, which took up the rest of the night."

"So how'd it go?" Geddy says, attempting to urge Alex into talking about the elephant in the room.

Alex is quiet for a moment, and Geddy feels his pulse jump. "I'll put it this way: she's not thrilled, but she's not going to fight it. So that means no legal bullshit."

Geddy sighs out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "Are we still... whatever we are?"

"Of course, Ged," Alex says, light and airy. "I'm gonna let you in on a secret. Even if Charlene was completely against us and wanted to put me through the wringer and re-open the divorce, I still wouldn't give up on you."

No one has felt this way about Geddy before, or at least spoken it out loud. Geddy tightens his grip on the receiver and says, "Wow," because, aside from a self-deprecating response about how unworthy he is of Alex's love, it's all he can think to say.

"I know, pathetic, right?"

"That's not the word I'd use."

"What is it?"

"I dunno. Neil's more of a word guy." Alex huffs laughter, then Geddy detects another texture underneath it, something quick and ragged and almost kind of dirty, and Geddy _knows_ those sounds despite only having heard them over the course of this week. "Are you jerking off while you're talking to me?"

Alex sounds offended that Geddy would even ask. "Am I not allowed to jerk it to the sound of my boyfriend's voice?"

"You could ask first," Geddy says, because it's only polite.

"Ged," Alex sighs, his voice cutting out in his throat, and Geddy tries not to imagine what Alex must be doing to his own cock in order to sound like that. "Can we _please_ have phone sex?"

Geddy sputters on his breath, his face immediately flushing red. "Lerxst, c'mon, I've never—"

Alex jumps on that with glee. "You've never had phone sex? Not even with Mr. Adventurous?"

"We were never apart from each other that long to really..." Geddy trails off, looking at the glowing numbers on the bedside clock. "It hasn't even been twelve hours since you left. This is embarrassing." Alex makes a muted groan that stirs Geddy's anatomy, and Geddy finds his hand drifting into his lap and coaxing his erection. "But maybe we _could_..."

"Hey, that's the spirit! You don't have to be such a tight-ass, except, y'know, literally," Alex chuckles as though he's the first person to ever make that joke.

Geddy digs through his suitcase at the foot of the bed and finds the bottle of lube where Alex discarded it last night. He gets his hand down his sweatpants for a few slick strokes over his cock, then he's whimpering soft, quiet sounds that Alex seems amused by, because he breathes soft laughter and arousal on the other end.

"Shit, you're not even—put your fingers in."

Geddy feels a deep flush spread over his skin. "How do you know they're not already?"

"We've had a lot of sex in a lot of different positions. I know how you sound in each one. Don't try to bullshit me," Alex says around a laugh.

Something about that is so goddamn hot, that Alex knows the intricacies of his voice during various sexual acts, so Geddy slips two fingers inside of himself and can't stop the whine that leaves his throat.

"Told you," Alex sing-songs, his breathing wrecked by whatever he's doing to himself, and, oh fuck, he could be knuckle-deep the way Geddy is right now. Just the thought makes Geddy's fingers push and slide and curl and his spine arch and his hips lift off the bed to meet his hand. Alex sighs his name, his voice as shaky as Geddy's own body.

They don't need a lot of dirty talk—or much talk at all—to reach the edge. Alex's sighs and grunts are evocative in their own right, making Geddy's toes curl and his loins pull tight, like something blooming from the inside out. Geddy never anticipated enjoying something like this, because part of the fun is being able to touch your partner and seeing their reactions. But Geddy's vivid imagination gets a chance to work now, and if just the sound of his voice can draw these kind of noises out of Alex, maybe there's something worth exploring here.

"I'm coming," Geddy warns in a shaky breath, feeling held tight and pulled apart all at once. His fingers work in and out, wet and lavish, and he's going to break apart any second now.

Alex just makes a noise like he's dying, and Geddy crumbles, striping his chest and gasping his way through it. Alex is breathing obscenities cut through with Geddy's name while Geddy sinks into the mattress and tries to stop the world from spinning.

"Shit, that was pretty great," Alex says when he's capable of forming sentences. "Still wish I could be there."

"Yeah, it'd make getting in the shower a lot more fun."

Alex chuckles and sighs, and Geddy hears the nuances in his breath. "I love you. Come home soon, okay?"

"Yours or mine?"

"Ours."

* * *

In the morning, Geddy is alone. Neil has left a hand-written letter on the kitchen counter which reads:

" _A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it."_

_When I first began this trip, I felt alienated, disintegrated, and unengaged with life around me. To a degree, I still am. But meeting the both of you and becoming—dare I say it?—friends has helped me see other peoples' lives as substantial and real again. I relearned how to care about things, about people. My bitterness with the world, while still burning inside of me, is no longer a blaze, but an ember._

_At our age, you don't really expect to find love once it's gone, at least not the kind that makes you feel like it's the first time all over again. Watching you two clumsily discover each other has given me a flicker of hope that something akin to what you and Alex have could exist for me, too. I'm in no position to look for it, but I hope I'll know it when it comes. The world doesn't have to be filled with desolation and sorrow and grief and all these tearful emotions that exist within me. There is always beauty and happiness around you if you take the time to look._

_Thanks for all the memories. Good luck and safe travels. I wish you and Alex the best._

_Your friend, Neil_

_(P.S. Wherever you and Alex call home, I hope it has thick walls.)_


	11. One Little Victory

It takes around forty hours to drive from Vancouver to Toronto, which, diced into twelve-hour increments, takes Geddy about three days to accomplish. By the middle of day two, Geddy has done twenty-four hours of driving and he wants to die. If long stretches of highway were dull even with Alex along for the ride, taking them on alone feels like a direct challenge to Geddy's sanity. How do long-distance truckers even _do_ this?

On the third day, in a small town near the coast of Lake Superior, Geddy wakes up obnoxiously early to the sound of birds chirping outside the window of his worn, dated single room. He lies awake, pondering the possibilities. He could try to get a few more hours of sleep. Or he could see Alex in about ten hours, and the early start might ensure dinner at a reasonable hour.

He chooses Alex.

Geddy calls Alex as he's driving through Barrie. "Hey, sexy."

Alex blesses him with laughter, though Geddy's a little offended.

"What?"

"I'm sorry, Ged, but you're not really the swarthy, smooth-talking type."

"And you are?"

"I smooth-talked you to an orgasm last night."

Can't really argue with that. "You got lucky."

"You and me both," Alex says with a grin. "So where are you now?"

"I should be home in about an hour, maybe two."

"Holy shit! That's great! You're probably starving, huh? Want me to make something?"

"You don't have to trouble yourself—"

"Hey, this is the first time I get to cook for you now that we're dating. Like hell you're screwing me out of this."

"You want me to screw you in other ways."

"Goddamn it, I left myself open for that."

"Will you leave yourself open for me too?"

"Always!" Alex laughs, and Geddy is overwhelmed by the reality of reuniting with him. It probably says something very telling about Geddy that he can't handle seventy-two hours away from Alex, but odds are Alex feels the same fizzy excitement in his chest, so they'll just deal with the disturbing psychological implications later.

"Seriously, what do you want for dinner?" Alex asks with comfort, like they've always had this level of domesticity.

"Surprise me."

"Pig's feet it is!"

Geddy rolls his eyes and makes sure to laugh as fake and sarcastically as possible. "Ha-ha."

"Don't you fake-laugh me. We've been together all this time and you haven't made _one_ 'cockpit' joke yet? I trusted you, Ged, and you let me down."

Sometimes Alex says something or looks at him or laughs in a certain way, and Geddy feels his heart swell in his chest and thinks he might drown from how deeply he's fallen in love.

* * *

The sun has disappeared from the sky by the time Geddy arrives at Alex's house. He parks in his own driveway and doesn't bother waxing nostalgic or melancholic about his own house and how it may or may not look any different than it did when he left. Because Alex is waiting next door and Geddy has waited long enough.

All Alex manages to get out is a teasing, "Hey, sexy," before Geddy grabs his face and kisses his mouth. Alex purrs contentment and twists his fingers up in Geddy's hair. His mouth is like candy, sweet and tempting, so Geddy's a little perturbed when Alex breaks away to say, "I missed you, too." He briefly captures Geddy's lips before pressing kisses along the line of his jaw and up to his ear. Geddy hears himself whimper at the rasp of Alex's goatee against his skin.

"God, I want you so much," Alex murmurs. "Can we just—Five minutes, that's all I'm asking. Just take me upstairs and wreck me."

Geddy can't believe what he's hearing, because this is the kind of thing he's fantasized about for years. "Are you trying to distract me 'cause you haven't made dinner yet?"

"No, I totally have. It's on the table. Can't you smell it?"

"All I can smell is you."

"I hope that's a good thing."

"You smell like you took a bath in cologne, so it's a bit of both."

Alex is already fumbling with the clasp and zipper of Geddy's jeans, so Geddy steers him in the direction of the upstairs bedroom and fulfills his request. The sex is loud and reckless, upon Alex's urgings, but five minutes ends up snowballing into an hour, because after their first go-round they lie entangled on Alex's former marital bed, and Geddy wants the world to slow down a while so he can enjoy this moment. Then Alex pulls him into the shower to clean up and sneak in another bout of urgent boning. So by the time they make it downstairs to the kitchen, the food has grown cold.

"Well, shit," Alex chuckles. "I hope you don't mind sorta-leftovers."

"By now I'll eat anything, so if this was all part of your plan it worked brilliantly." Geddy sticks a fork into the tempting dish and takes a bite. "Oh my God. This mac and cheese is not fucking around."

"I'm so glad I live in a world where that sentence was just said." Alex pulls a wine bottle out of the fridge and opens it. He pours them both glasses and drops into the chair beside Geddy. Being here with Alex is surreal, and it still hasn't really sunk in yet that this is Geddy's life now. "So was your drive home just as boring as I think it was?"

"The worst. Well, wait, third worst." Geddy's counting his road trips to and from Los Angeles, because at least this time he had something promising to come home to. "I just kept seeing things you pointed out the first time around, and it made me sad 'cause you weren't there."

"Well, you made it," Alex says with a happy shrug before kicking back a long swallow of wine. "Now you're gonna be sad 'cause I _am_ here."

"Not gonna happen."

Eventually, they move to the couch, bringing the casserole dish and the wine over to the coffee table so they can eat and watch TV. Geddy ends up leaning against Alex's arm for a good while until they've polished off dinner and Alex gets up to fetch dessert.

"If you laugh at the delicious dessert I made for us, you're rescinding your right to eat any of it," Alex warns.

"Why would I laugh?"

Alex opens the refrigerator and pulls out a pan. "'Cause it's rainbow-colored in a way that makes it look like it fell out of a unicorn's ass. But I think that just adds to its charm."

"I'll be the judge of that."

The brownie-cookie monstrosity inside the pan is indeed swirled with more colors than a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper, but it tastes like marshmallow fluff, white chocolate, and sugar cookies had a delicious baby, so Geddy's not laughing because he's too busy making orgasmic noises around each bite. Alex is all pouts and frowns, like he thinks this reaction might be a bit patronizing. "It's not _that_ good," he grumbles, and Geddy doesn't know how it's possible for anyone to look annoyed while eating something so colorful.

"Lerxst, I promise," Geddy says with his mouth half-full, "I'll never make more pornographic noises for food than I do for you."

"Can I get that in writing? Maybe a sworn blood oath?"

A knock at the front door interrupts them, and Geddy sighs. "Why do we keep getting interrupted? Who the hell could it be at this hour?"

Alex slides off the couch and heads for the door. "Probably just a Jehovah's Witness with a caffeine problem."

But Geddy immediately recognizes the voice of their visitor when Alex opens the door, and his insides turn to ice. "Hey, you, um, you left your coat at my place. I thought you might want it back," Charlene says, soft and unsure, and her words drop away when she spots Geddy on the couch in what was once her house. "Geddy." She sounds uncharacteristically civil, and Geddy faces her and even manages some eye contact. He has no idea how to be around her now. How do you hold a conversation with the ex-wife of the guy you're dating, especially when you were a point of contention in their marriage? "I'd like a word with you," she says. "If you're not busy."

Alex looks from Charlene to Geddy, as though anticipating an eruption. "We were just in the middle of dinner."

"It's okay," Geddy says, getting up from the couch to approach her. "We can talk." He leads her out to the back porch, mostly to vent some of the nervous energy banging around in his chest cavity. The night air is crisp and smells like leaves. Geddy sits in one of the nearby chairs, and tries to remind himself that he had no part in whatever Alex did to his marriage, but he still feels guilty by association.

Charlene sits beside him and combs her hair back with her fingers, her expression inscrutable as she stares at the back yard. "When you and John broke up, he told me why."

Geddy feels like he's been dunked into ice water.

"No, I never told Alex. It wasn't my place."

 _But it was your place to cheat on your husband_? Geddy thinks angrily, but he doesn't say it. Wise move.

"But I knew," Charlene continues. "At least, I knew how you felt at that point in time. If you hadn't moved away, I'm not sure I would ever have figured out how Alex felt about you. And a lot of my suspicion was because I was unfaithful, too. Whether I was hoping he was cheating so it would justify my own, or if I was just projecting my own guilt onto him, I don't know." She takes a deep breath, and her eyes are filled with tears. "Do you want to know why I started seeing Rupert?"

Geddy scrunches up his face. "You cheated on Alex with a guy named Rupert? Isn't that the name of Stewie's teddy bear on Family Guy?"

"You've got no right making fun of someone else's name, _Geddy_."

Fair enough. "Alright, tell me."

"I was lonely, plain and simple. Alex was barely around, and when he was he spent more time with you than me. He looked happier with you, too, and I just felt unattractive and unwanted. But Rupert would flirt with me at the gym while I was working out, and I'd flirt back. It was harmless... until it wasn't. He looked at me like he wanted me. I'd forgotten what that felt like. Excluding the other night, I can barely remember a time when Alex and I had a real conversation. But Rupert and I could talk for hours." Her voice trails off, and she wipes her eyes.

Anything Geddy says here will undoubtedly be wrong, so he keeps quiet.

"Things with Alex wouldn't have been so bad if it started a year or two ago, but this was going on even before Adrian was born. Part of the reason we had another baby was so I could try to get my husband back. And it worked for a while, but that's how it is with Alex. You fall in love with him, but he's never around, and he breaks your heart." Charlene looks at Geddy, her eyes smudged with ruined mascara.

Geddy thinks he could say a million things here, but all he can manage is a nod and, "Thanks for letting me know, I guess."

"We used to be friends, remember?" She laughs a small, sad sound. "Maybe we can be friends again."

"Yeah, maybe," Geddy says, but he's not holding out much hope for that. He doubts it's easy to develop any conciliatory feelings towards someone who's fucking your ex-husband.

"I should go," Charlene says, getting up to leave. "I just wanted you to know I don't hate you. Or maybe I hate you a little less than before. Either way, it's progress, right?"

Geddy rises to open the door for her. "How long do you think we can fool Alex into thinking we're mortal enemies?"

"As great as I am at holding grudges, I'd prefer to be friends. Holding onto anger is a waste of time."

"That sounds awfully therapist-y. Have you and John been talking?"

"We're still friends," Charlene says with a laugh, like Geddy's an idiot for thinking otherwise.

"No shit? You think you could give me his number? At the very least, I owe him an apology."

"That's very mature of you."

They get inside, and Alex sees Charlene's smudged makeup and teary eyes and says, "Jeez, Ged, what'd you say to her?" He hugs her, protective and apologetic, and Geddy never really noticed how small she looks in comparison to Alex.

"Geddy was a perfect gentleman," Charlene assures him. "I just cry too easily."

"Bullshit, you never even cried at movies where the dog dies. You're heartless," Alex jokes, his hold on her tightening for a moment before he lets go. It's oddly intimate, and Geddy looks away, feeling like he's intruding on something private.

"Thanks for stopping over," Alex says, his hand still sort of lingering on Charlene's arm. "You know you're still family, right?" Charlene nods. "You're the only one who's willing to kick my ass when I'm out of line. It's not like Geddy's not gonna do it."

"Hey!" Geddy protests, because that's entirely untrue. "I kicked your ass into going on that road trip."

"I wouldn't say there was a lot of ass-kicking going on there. More persuasion than anything else."

Charlene giggles and pats Alex's arm as she turns to leave. "I'll let you two sort this out. Lord knows we'll be here all night." Alex shows her out, and Geddy is stricken by how much Alex still seems to care for her. It gives him hope they can reach a rapproachement of sorts and end this long-standing battle between the three of them.

"So you don't think I can kick your ass?" Geddy posits when Alex closes the door.

"There are lots of things you can do to my ass, Ged, but that's not one of them." Alex laughs at whatever Geddy's face is doing and moves over to him, easing his arms around Geddy's waist. "Give it a few years. You'll be sick of me by then and willing to call me out when I'm being an asshole. But right now you're too in love." He drags out the last two words, teasing, and settles his forehead against Geddy's own.

"You're being kind of insufferable right now."

"Wow, five seconds! That's a record. It took Charlene at least five years, but I was even cuter back then." Alex bats his eyelashes in a way that makes Geddy snort laughter.

"I have a proposition for you," Geddy says, finding Alex's hands and taking them in his own.

"Does it involve handcuffs or comically-large sex toys?"

Geddy just stares at him for a second. "What is wrong with you? No, be serious. I did a lot of thinking on the drive home, and maybe it would be a good idea if we didn't cohabitate in the same house where you and Charlene spent most of your marriage. You could move in with me, and we'd have sort of a fresh start." Alex is making his thinking face, and Geddy fears he may have overstepped some invisible boundary here, so he adds, "Just—just something to think about. You don't have to..."

"I'll think about it, if you think about this," Alex says, squeezing Geddy's hands. "One of the big reasons my marriage failed was 'cause I wasn't home that often. So what if I was?"

"What do you mean?" Then it dawns on him. "Please don't tell me you're thinking of quitting your job for me."

"Not quitting, just"—Alex searches for the words—"finding a different one? I could be an air traffic controller or work in flight training. There's things I could do that would mean I get to come home to you every night."

"But you shouldn't have to—"

"You compromised for me with the vineyard. So now it's my turn." Alex captures Geddy's parted lips under his own. "Just something to think about." Geddy smiles, and Alex steals another kiss. "You sure you've got enough room in your place for all my junk?"

The inside of Alex's house is pretty drab and basic, since Charlene took most of it with her when she moved out. "I think I can find some space." Geddy lifts an eyebrow. "Does that mean you're thinking about it?"

"Not much to think about, except all the different rooms we can have sex in."

Geddy would roll his eyes, but when was the last time he was with someone so into him? At his age, he never imagined finding someone who couldn't keep their hands off him. Alex has exceeded Geddy's expectations in every way.

"I never knew you were so obsessed with sex."

"Just with you," Alex says, his mouth at Geddy's ear, and Geddy shivers.

* * *

_One week later..._

John's office building is located in a downtown Toronto high-rise with a stunning view of the waterfront. The reception room interior has been redecorated since Geddy's last visit, which, considering that was over ten years ago, is probably for the best. Geddy fights the overwhelming impulse to flee, reminds himself that it's been over ten years and John probably isn't going to punch him or yell at him. Everyone appreciates an honest apology, and it's not like someone has died, thereby making this _mea culpa_ too little too late.

When Geddy slinks inside the office, John's sitting at his worn oak desk, flipping through some paperwork. His hair is shorter now, his face a little rounder than it once was, but otherwise he looks surprisingly unchanged.

"Hey," Geddy says, sheepish and nervous.

John's head jerks up, his eyes wide with surprise behind the sleek, stylish glasses age has dictated he wear. "Geddy? Wow, it's been, what, ten years?"

"Give or take."

John smiles and self-consciously removes his glasses. Seeing John now is like a gun in Geddy's belly that he never knew was loaded. Regret rips through him, as well as other feelings he doesn't have a name for. "I figured you'd need psychiatric help eventually, but I didn't think you'd actually come to me for it."

"I got plenty of that from you when we were dating," Geddy says. "But I think it's finally starting to sink in. I just wanted to say I'm very sorry for what I did to you. I was an asshole, and you didn't deserve that."

John considers him for a moment, a teasing smirk on his lips. "Step nine, huh?"

"What?"

"You're on the 'making amends' stage of the twelve-step program, right?"

Geddy feels the corner of his mouth pull into a grin. "No, you prick, I'm genuinely sorry. For everything. For hurting you, for taking ten years to apologize for it." He notices the silver ring on John's left hand. "You're married?"

"Yeah. Five years now." John smiles and flips around a framed photograph on his desk so Geddy can see. The picture shows a pretty blonde woman and a young girl around seven or eight years old. They look happy, and the similarities in their features suggest they're mother and daughter. "That's Eva, and our daughter Tamara."

Geddy pushes back the wave of regret building in his chest. While Geddy did nothing with his life, John got married and had a daughter. Despite how happy Geddy is to be with Alex, he can't help but feel a pang for all those wasted years in between.

"I'm glad you're happy," he says instead.

"You thought I'd be in some deep depression, drinking myself to death because of you?" John snickers. "That only happens in bad movies, Ged."

Geddy shrugs and sits in one of the leather chairs across from John's desk. "So how come you never invited me to the wedding?"

"Would you have come?"

Geddy doesn't know.

"Besides, it's bad form to invite your exes to your wedding. I had a feeling it would have hurt you more than helped."

The sad thing is that John's right.

John folds his hands on his desk and leans forward. "So now that we've talked about me, it's your turn. Has life been any better to you since we split?"

Geddy wonders if it's a good idea to mention Alex here. He errs on the side of caution. "Things are looking up. I'm happy."

John hears the implication there and nods slowly, as though it's pretty much what he expected. "It's about time. Is it Alex?"

Geddy's momentarily surprised, but he shakes it off. "Yeah."

"Damn. He left his wife for you?"

"Yes and no. It's complicated."

John checks his watch. "I've got time."

They start talking then, catching up on the years. Geddy tells him about Los Angeles, about Alex, about the road trip. John tells him about his new family, about his wife's high-end clothing shop off King Street. Before they know it, an hour has passed, and it's time for John's next appointment.

"Thanks for coming," John says, hugging him good-bye. Geddy can smell John's cologne, and it's the same scent he used when they were together. "You look good. Alex is a lucky guy."

"So am I."

* * *

_**December 2002** _

Four months later and Alex and Geddy have managed to achieve cohabitation in Geddy's home. Alex's house sold pretty quickly, and he used the extra money to do some renovating at Geddy's. They added a sunroom in order to expand the kitchen, which ended up appropriating most of the dining room space. The colors are a mix of dreamy whites and soft golds. The windows are shuttered with an elegant arch. Adorning the walls are weathered, vintage paintings of French landscapes and villas.

So by the time the renovations have been completed and Geddy and Alex can actually relax, the winter holidays are beginning to wind down. Today is Boxing Day, and Geddy has invited his mother—and, vicariously, Allan—to have dinner with him and Alex. Alex has also invited Justin, Adrian, and Charlene, but Adrian is the only one who's shown up so far.

"Wow, this place kicks ass," Adrian says while Alex is busy in the kitchen making seafood-stuffed shells. "You got rid of the whole dumpy, depressing bachelor pad vibe."

The kitchen is elegant and spacious, with a huge island and workspace. A wrought-iron light fixture hangs over the island, and there's more cabinet space than either Geddy or Alex knows what to do with.

"How much did this cost you guys?" Adrian wonders.

"Significantly less than buying a vineyard," Geddy chuckles. "Which I'm sure your dad was happy about."

"Only because I got to do something nice for you," Alex cuts in, faking exasperation, like they've had this conversation a million times. "Adrian, did your mother say anything about whether she was coming?"

Adrian shrugs and digs into the chips and dip laid out on the island. "She didn't say she _wouldn't_ , so I dunno. This dip is awesome, by the way."

"Don't eat it all," Geddy scolds, stricken by how much he sounds like a dad. "I know my mom and brother are coming by, so save some for them."

"What about Justin?" Alex asks. "Have you heard from him?"

"Yeah, he called me while I was on the bus. Said he'll probably be here tomorrow, then his phone died. Guess he doesn't love you enough to show up tonight like I do," Adrian jokes, but Geddy hears the subtext there.

"Y'know, if there's one thing I'm qualified to talk about, it's resenting my parents for allegedly preferring my brother over me," Geddy says.

"I don't resent Dad," Adrian says, presumably because Alex is right there. "Or Justin. I just... feel kinda lame sometimes in comparison."

"You're not lame, kiddo," Alex assures him, sliding the pan into the oven. "You're brilliant. Justin didn't get into university on a scholarship like you did."

This must be news to Adrian, because he whirls around and looks at Alex with a stunned expression. "No way, seriously? How come you never told me that?"

Alex shrugs. "I thought I did."

"Oh my God, so, wait, I didn't wreck you and Mom's marriage? 'Cause you had to pay for Justin's tuition which probably made you and Mom fight about money?" Adrian fist-pumps the air. "Yes!"

Geddy and Alex exchange confused yet charmed glances. "I'm not sure that's entirely accurate," Alex says, "nor the lesson I was hoping you'd take away here, but, hey, if it makes you feel better..."

Geddy smiles sympathetically. "Adrian, now that I'm your sort-of dad, can I give you some unsolicited advice? Try not to hold any grudges against your brother. I know it's not easy, but I promise you if you do, you'll regret it."

Adrian nods and says, "I'll think about it."

"I'm so glad you and Allan made up," Alex says as he gets to work on preparing dessert.

Geddy feels the need to correct him. "Actually..."

Alex freezes, giving Geddy an incredulous look. "Don't tell me this was all a ruse to get him over here so you could apologize?" When Geddy doesn't answer, Alex sighs. "It's been four months since you said you'd make up."

"We were busy," Geddy whines. "Besides, it's better when you do it face to face."

"I dunno, sometimes I like it from behind—Oh, wait, you're talking about something else," Alex says with a grin.

"Nice, Dad," Adrian groans, rubbing a hand over his face like he's trying to scrub the mental image out of his brain. "That's totally what I wanted to think about before dinner. I'm gonna go watch TV so I don't have to listen to you two being gross." He pilfers the chip bag and the dip, and no one stops him. He's suffered enough.

An hour later, Alex has finished preparing all the food, and Mom and Allan have arrived. Mom kisses Geddy's cheek after wrapping him in a warm hug. "You look beautiful, _bubbe,_ " she says.

"So do you."

"Where's this Alex I've been hearing so much about?"

"You've met him before, remember?"

"That was before you started dating him. I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't make sure he's good enough for my boy."

Geddy sighs, but he can't fault her. "He's in the kitchen. Go on." Mom hurries away to meet with Alex.

Allan is knocking snow off his boots on the front doorstep when Geddy approaches him. "Hey," Geddy starts. "Thanks for coming."

"Thanks for inviting me. I wasn't sure you would, y'know, since..."

"Forget about it. I was an asshole, and I'm sorry. You've always been a good brother; I was just too wrapped up in my own misery to see it." Geddy offers a hand, but Allan pulls him into a full-on hug, and Geddy lets it happen. He can't remember the last time he hugged his brother, but it's been too long.

They eat in the sunroom, which has been arranged to serve as a makeshift dining room, with a long white wood table and rustic, worn benches for seating. The inside of the room is decorated with an array of fake plants, ranging from potted to hanging to climbing. The sliding glass doors provide a picturesque view of the back yard, which isn't much to look at yet, but the moonlight glow gives the room a romantic, dreamy feel.

"Your house is so lovely," Mom says over dinner. "I don't remember it looking like this the last time I was here."

"Alex and I did some remodeling after he moved in," Geddy says. "He's pretty artistic when he wants to be."

"And the food is fantastic, too," Allan adds. "On par with some of the best restaurants in Los Angeles."

"Blush, blush," Alex says, feigning modesty. "Ged, you never told me your folks were so flattering."

Geddy could make a snarky comment about how they never flatter him, so how would he know, but he's making a concentrated effort to be less of a cynical douchebag. So he says, "Were you actually worried they wouldn't like you?"

"Yeah, a little," Alex admits.

Mom gasps. "What's not to love about you, Alex? You're wonderful. Your son is, too. I'm honored to have both of you as part of my family."

Alex smiles sheepishly, humbled in the face of her appreciation, and Geddy off-handedly wonders how Charlene's family received him. "I'll do my best not to let you down."

"Well, I think you're off to a good start already," Mom says, finishing off the wine in her glass. "I've never seen Geddy so happy or willing to be civil with his brother."

"Yeah, Lerxst has been somewhat of a good influence on me," Geddy says.

Alex is about to say something when his cell phone rings. He murmurs, "I'll be right back, babe," at Geddy's ear and excuses himself from the table, disappearing into the house.

"Ged, how long have you two been together?" Allan wonders.

"About four months." Geddy feels compelled to say more, because moving in with someone so soon sounds like he's latching on to the first person showing him any affection at this stage in his life. "But we've been best friends for over twenty years, so..."

Adrian jumps in with, "Yeah, Ged's been like my sort-of uncle ever since I was born, and now he's my sort-of dad, so that's kinda weird. But it's cool. Dad's really happy, for the first time in a long time. So, yay, Geddy, I guess."

"Was that your audition for the wedding toast?" Geddy teases, and Adrian scowls and goes all blushy the way his father tends to do.

"I was trying to help you out, man. You gave me the 'I'm drowning, save me' look."

"That's just how my face looks. You know that."

"I'm really happy for you, Ged," Allan says, with no traces of mockery.

Geddy smiles, at a loss for how to answer that. There isn't even a sarcastic comment floating around in his brain.

Alex returns a few moments later, wearing one of his 'up to something' smiles. Geddy is suspicious but doesn't think much of it.

About an hour later, they're eating dessert in the living room and raving over Alex's mint brownies when someone knocks at the front door. Geddy's got nothing else to do, so he gets up to answer it. He's expecting Justin or even Charlene on the other side, but definitely not the six-foot-plus frame of Neil standing there. His beard is gone, and his face is oddly rounder than Geddy expected. He's wrapped in a motorcycle jacket, worn jeans, a scarf, and a doofy-looking winter hat. He looks, in a word, adorable.

"Alex told me I was invited to your little soiree," Neil says, his cheeks rosy from the cold.

It takes a moment for Geddy to figure out what's happened here, then he's grinning like a fool and saying, "Of course, come in! He didn't make you come a long way, did he?"

Neil stomps the snow off his boots and steps inside, shedding his jacket on the coat rack. "No, I called and said I was in the neighborhood. I was gonna ask if I could stop in and say hello, but Alex invited me before I could get a word in edgewise." Neil takes in Geddy's bewildered expression. "I'm guessing he didn't tell you I was coming."

"Lerxst can be very secretive when he wants to be."

That's when Alex rushes into the foyer and greets Neil with a bear hug. Neil is clearly unaccustomed to this kind of affection—and probably uncomfortable with it—but he's tolerating it for Alex, who looks overjoyed that he's here. "I can't believe you actually showed up!" Alex says when they break away.

"I needed to make a pit stop anyway," Neil jokes, clapping a hand on Alex's shoulder. "Nice place you got here."

But Alex is dragging Neil into the living room, announcing, "Hey, look who showed up!" and Geddy has no choice but to corral his boyfriend before he embarrasses Neil too much.

Later in the evening, after the party has died down, Neil and Adrian are the only remaining guests, and the four of them are gathered on the living room couch, eating the rest of the brownies out of the pan. "You're pretty good in the kitchen," Neil says after his second brownie.

"That's not the only room I'm good in," Alex says, elbowing Geddy and earning a groan from him and Adrian.

" _Dad_! Seriously?" Adrian shoots Neil a glare. "You set him up for that. I'm blaming you entirely."

Neil chuckles. "I had to listen to them moan and shriek and bang the headboard against the wall for three hours. Nothing fazes me anymore."

Adrian sighs an exasperated noise, wobbling a bit on the arm of the couch. "Dad, I'm making you and Geddy pay for the therapy I'm gonna need after this."

"You're the one who wanted to crash here for a few nights," Alex reminds him. During the renovations, the baseball memorabilia room was turned into a hybrid guest room, so Adrian is spending three nights here before going back to school. "Remember the waiver you signed saying you wouldn't hold us responsible for any psychological scarring?"

"Read the fine print next time," Geddy says. "That's where they get you."

Adrian huffs. "Fine, but if I can hear you all the way in the guest bedroom, you're doing it wrong."

"Or very, very right," Alex says with a grin. Geddy laughs a small sound and leans his head on Alex's shoulder, squeezing the fleshy part of his hand.

" _Anyway_ , off the topic of my parents' sex lives," Adrian starts.

Alex picks up that conversational baton. "Neil, what happened to your beard?"

"I shaved it."

"Smart-ass. I meant why?"

Neil shrugs and makes a face Geddy's never seen him make before. It's almost like he's avoiding the question. "It just felt like time to shave it. And I was looking too grizzly and mountain man-ish for my tastes."

"Since when do you care what you look like?" Alex teases, then: "Did you meet someone?"

Neil's round cheeks flush pink, giving him away.

"You totally did!" Alex slaps him on the back, encouraging. "That's great! I'm proud of you, man."

"Tell us about her," Geddy prods. "Or him. If—if you want to."

"I feel like I'm at a sleepover," Adrian says, rolling his eyes, though he makes no attempt to leave.

Neil nods as though considering what he's about to say. "Her name is Carrie. She's a photographer in Los Angeles. She makes me happy. I didn't think I could feel happy again." He stares at his hands in his lap, as though imagining the ring that was once there. "We're taking things slowly. But... it's good."

Alex is grinning like the goddamn Cheshire Cat. "That's so great, Neil. I couldn't be happier for you. You deserve this."

"When I get back home, I think I'll start writing about my journey," Neil says. "It will help me keep them alive, and maybe writing it will make it easier to let go. We'll see." He looks at Alex. "Last chance if you wanna back out of being in the book."

"No way! I'm excited to see what you write."

"It's not all going to be flattering," Geddy says.

"So what? Neil's a funny guy. Whatever he writes about me will be hilarious, even if it's mean." Alex stifles a yawn, and Neil rises to leave.

"I didn't realize how late it is," Neil says. "I should get back on the road and let you guys relax."

"What—No, there's no sense in paying for some crappy motel when you could stay here." Alex looks at Geddy for back-up, or perhaps to see if he's frowning in disapproval at this suggestion. "Ged, what'd'you think? He can sleep on the couch, right?"

Geddy shrugs. "It's fine with me. Adrian, what about you?"

"Now it totally is a sleepover," Adrian chortles. "Whatever, man. I don't mind. Neil's cool."

Alex gives Neil a challenging look. "Are you really gonna refuse our holiday goodwill?"

Neil stares at Alex for a moment or two before sighing. "Fine, let me get my stuff."

When the house has gone quiet and dark, Geddy and Alex settle into their bedroom. The walls are covered in textured, soft patterned cream-colored wallpaper. The floor is a dark hardwood with an ornate rug sprawled beneath the bed. Geddy's still getting used to it all, to the way his house barely resembles the 'dumpy, depressing bachelor pad' of yesteryear.

Geddy's lying under the covers when Alex slides in beside him, smelling spring fresh. Alex sighs happily and sinks into the mattress. "Man, I forgot how long it's been since I've done the whole holiday cooking thing. I'm exhausted."

"Aw," Geddy pouts. "Well, g'nite!" He reaches to switch off the bedside lamp, but Alex stops him.

"Whoa, whoa, I'm not _that_ exhausted. Let's not get crazy here."

Geddy snickers and rolls onto his side facing Alex. He hooks an arm around Alex's waist and fights the urge to kiss his endearing mouth. "Since Neil's all freshly-shaven, when are you gonna shave that thing?" He pokes at Alex's goatee, in case Alex didn't know what he was referring to.

"When it stops making you scream," Alex says with a leering grin that makes Geddy's loins ache.

"Well, now that we have Adrian and Neil to worry about, you should think about shaving it."

"Or you could think about maybe not being so loud."

"Now you're just being unreasonable."

Alex's fingers tease along the curve of Geddy's spine. "Is it really that hard for you to be a little quieter when we have sex? I'm not saying I don't think it's hot, but how did you and John ever get away with banging in public places if you're incapable of a little volume control?"

Geddy flushes pink and ducks his head, but Alex tips his chin up so he can see the way Geddy blushes. "It's just—It's different. When you're at home or in a private room, you don't think about things like that."

"Guess we'll just have to do it the old fashioned way and shove your face into the pillow," Alex says, grinning at how Geddy blushes even redder. "Look at you, you're like a little strawberry."

"Fuck off, Lerxst," Geddy whines, burying his face in Alex's chest.

"No way. You're stuck with me." Alex wraps his arms around him, holding him close, and Geddy has never felt more at home than he does right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the fic! I quite enjoyed writing this one :)  
> Fanmix here: http://8tracks.com/sodium-amytal/don-t-drive-me-home


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